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Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to
find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6
seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there
was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom
scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

---

Red Skeleton's Recipe for a Perfect Marriage


1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

---

So yeah, funny stuff, post it!

:lol: Excellent jokes Luca, the first one just about made me spit my coffee all over the place. I'll have to dig through my older files to see if I can't find my list of jokes I saved, will get back to ya soon as I have them.

Great jokes and a good idea for a topic.

Anyway, a husband-and-wife joke I just read today:


Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again
although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Haha...that was great. I'll find something funny when I get home...class starts in a few minutes.

I came across this NEW work out plan, to build muscle
strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems fairly easy, so I thought
I'd pass it on. The article suggests doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of
room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you
can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that
you can hold this position for just a bit longer.


After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks.


Then 50-lb. potato sacks; then eventually try to get to where you can
lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for
a full minute.



Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack

---

A priest, rabbi and minister all buy the identical model Cadillac. They each want their car to be the best on the block, so the minister goes out and says a blessing on his car.

Not to be outdone, the priest goes out and sprinkles holy water on his car.

Not to be outdone, the rabbi goes out and snips an inch off his car's tailpipe.

Hah!

A new preacher was visiting in the homes of the members. At one house, it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote, "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message: "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins, "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

(EDIT: D'oh! DBFO! I just got that, wow...*ugh*...heeheehee...okay...need to write essay and go to sleep now...)

To keep this on topic:

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

- Unique up on it!

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

- Tame way, unique up on it!!

:-D

that's was soooooooooo hilarious. it made me laugh sooo hard!

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Knock knock.

Who's there?

The FBI.

The FBI who?

We found various pirated material in your computer's database. You will be fined and sent to prison for up to five years.

HAR HAR HAR.

Wait - I don't get it.

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave side service for a derelict man who had died while traveling through the area with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country. This man would be the first to be laid to rest at this cemetery. As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost. Being the typical man I didn't stop for directions. But I finally arrived an hour late, I saw the crew and backhoe, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.The workmen were eating lunch. I apologized to the workers (who looked puzzled) for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, to find the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them long, but this was the proper thing to do. As the workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say...... "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," (they must have all been Baptist). I preached and I preached, like I'd never preached before. I began from Genesis all the way to Revelation. I preached for two hours and 45 minutes. It was a long and lengthy service. I closed in prayer and it was finished.

As I was walking to my car, I felt that I had done my duty and all would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of my tardiness. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen anything like this before."

In today's metropolitan area, Paul Revere would have never made it all the way to to Concord.


Ten Commandments of Boston Driving (from throughout the The Boston Driver's Handbook, by Ira Gershkoff and Richard Trachtman):
1: Thou shalt reach thy destination as quickly as possible. Everyone and everything else be damned.
2: Honor thy vehical and keep it "holey."
3: Thou shalt ever resist the temptation to put thy trust in street signs.
4: Lead thyself through the Callahan Tunnel if thou art low on fuel.
5: Thou shalt look both ways before running a red light.
6: Thou shalt not yield
7: Fear not the merge into heavy traffic, for thine enemies will turn chicken and be vanquished.
8: Steer clear of potholes, for they are the portals of hell.
9: Thou shalt grab the first parking place thou seest, for a second chance will never come to thee.
10: Tread not in the pathway of a taxicab, lest its driver wreak vengeance upon thee with a tire iron.

The Internet:

Where Men are men, women are men, and Thriteen year old girls are FBI agents.

a man walks up to a tombstone, it says:
here lies William, his last words were a shame,
"there's a light at the end of the tunnel"
unfortunately it was a train.

(yes, I know, it sucks, but i find it funny)

More of a picture but it's still funny.

New York to Paris according to Google Maps!