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The Five Gods
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 2:32 am 
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Citizen
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Joined: Fri Jun 16, 2006 3:30 pm
Posts: 88
Location: Drawing
Chapter Fifteen:

Click for Cast Sketches

------------
Note1: Sorry about the lack of formatting... Forums suck for posting long stories... >.>
You can also read it on FictionPress here: <http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2447546/1/>

Note2: The more comments, the sooner the next chapter comes! <3





— — — — — —
The Five Gods: Chapter Fifteen
By: Jae
— — — — — —





_____ ‘Kira,’ Ookami said softly, ‘I think now might be a good time to visit the Dragon’s Castle. You need to get out of this house for a while, and I need to find out what I can about Lord Tatsu. We’ll go alone; just you and me.’
_____ Kira nodded and turned to TJ who was still sitting on the couch on the other side of the living room. “We’re going to Lord Tatsu’s castle. You can stay here until I get back. You need to rest, don’t you?” She said the last part in a cold voice, hoping he would get the hint.
_____ He did. TJ quickly turned to hide his face, “Be careful, Kira. I’ll be here waiting until you get back. I promise.”
_____ Without a word, Kira was out the door and transforming into Ookami’s dire wolf form. He trotted into the safety of the forest so no humans had a chance to see him.
_____ “I, as well as the other gods, can cast a spell to teleport myself to the castle. However, I will have to run the trip home. It’s not a very long run,” he grinned, “Not for me, at least.”
_____ ‘If you could do that, why haven’t you gone before, Ookami?’ Kira asked.
_____ “The Princess told us not to. She said that Lord Tatsu didn’t want us to return until the battle was done and there was a true winner to be rewarded,” he sighed, “And we blindly obeyed that order.”
_____ The wolf’s body was engulfed in a pale white aura as he let out a thunderous howl. A strong wind circled them like a tornado, blowing leaves and flower petals into the air around them. Before Kira could say anything about the beauty she saw, the forest surrounding her became blurred and faded. The aura around Ookami became more visible, blinding her until she saw nothing but white.

— — —

_____ “What is this?!” Ookami growled.
_____ Kira’s vision was suddenly clear; through Ookami’s eyes, she looked at her new surroundings. Large chunks of strange white stone were scattered across the area. The land was flat, as if the zone was once livable, though what might have once been a castle was overgrown with long grass, and tall plants. Vines covered the tallest of the stones, and what wasn’t hidden by the grass was covered in moss. Ookami described a beautiful white castle, but this was barely recognizable as it’s ruins.
_____ Ookami’s jaw had dropped open from shock as he skimmed the ruins, unable to move. “What… happened here; where is Lord Tatsu?!” His voice was frantic, speaking almost too quickly for Kira to make out his words, “Where is the castle; where is our home?!”
_____ Slowly, Ookami walked forward, carefully stepping over debris as if touching it would destroy this once sacred place even more. He forced himself to look around every corner, though it was clear how painful it was for him. Kira wanted to comfort him, but she couldn’t think of a way. Seeing this was even painful to her.
_____ Does this mean Lord Tatsu is really gone? Kira thought to herself, Is that why he hasn’t stopped the curse? Is that why Liz is able to be so cruel to the gods without punishment? She sighed, but if that was true, then where would he have gone? Maybe to that ‘Inanis’ place Ookami had talked about? How could he just abandon them like that? If Lord Tatsu was ‘God,’ then how could he be so cruel?
_____ “Lord Tatsu!” Ookami called out, “Are you here? Tatsu!” The wolf quickly turned in half-circles, looking for any sign of life. He kept his ears and tail low, his golden eyes soft. “Where could he be..?”
_____ A sudden crash sound made Ookami jump. He turned to see a stone had crashed to the ground, dust clouded the ruins.
_____ “Lord Tatsu?” Ookami asked weakly, raising his ears the slightest bit.
_____ A faint cough echoed from behind the cloud of dust and debris. “Who… who’s there?” asked a weak, male voice; a voice that sounded as if it were once very powerful, a wise voice. Though at the same time, whatever made those words sounded young; older than Kira, but not by much.
_____ ‘Is that him, Ookami?’ Kira asked hopefully, ‘Is that Lord Tatsu?’
_____ Ookami sniffed the air briefly, then a low growl rumbled deep in his throat. “Show yourself, Demon! Wyrm!” he ordered through bared teeth.
_____ Out of the rubble stumbled a long snake-like beast. His scales were bright red, with a dark gray mane going down his back. A feathery bit of the same colored hair fluffed over the tip of his tail. He flapped his two small, faded-red wings in an attempt to raise his head up, arched over his coiled lower body.
_____ “Ookami?” asked the Wyrm, “You’re really here?!” A long smile spread across his short snout, “Five thousand years of trying to contact you and finally you’re—”
_____Silence!” Ookami barked, ears pinned and tail high.
_____ “Ookami?!” the Wyrm asked, shocked, “Ookami, it’s me! Tatsu!”
_____HOW DARE YOU!!! ” Ookami snapped, “Of all the lies I’ve heard by the tongues of Wyrms, this is by far the most insulting! How dare you, Demon!”
_____ ‘I don’t understand, Ookami,’ Kira admitted, ‘what’s going on? That’s not him?’
_____ “Of course not!” the wolf scoffed, “He’s a Wyrm! Wyrms live through their lies; some even manage to convince themselves that their crazed fantasies are truth!” He let out another growl, “I thought all Wyrms were extinct; apparently a lucky few were able to keep their race alive.”
_____ “What? No! Ookami, it’s really me!” the frantic Wyrm cried, “I truly am Tatsu! Please, Ookami, I need your help!”
_____That’s enough!” Ookami barked, charging the Wyrm.
_____ The serpent was barely able to react before Ookami closed the distance between them. He rammed the side of his large head into the Wyrm and easily sent him flying, crashing hard into the ground several feet away from the ruins. Ookami walked after the beast, snarling through bared teeth.
_____ As he approached his pray, Kira saw through his eyes that they were on some sort of mountain, high above everything else in sight. Though the strange hilltop was large enough that she wouldn’t have noticed the drop if Ookami hadn’t gone closer.
_____ “Never return to this sacred place, Wyrm,” the wolf ordered, “If I ever find out that you do, know now that your death will be justified.”
_____ Ookami bit deep into the tail of the serpent and threw him over the edge of the mountain. The Wyrm let out a cry of pain as his blood dripped from his wound through the air behind him. He frantically flapped him small wings in vain, trying to soften the blow of the fall.
_____ A jolt of pain shot through Kira’s heart, and at the same time, Ookami let out a yelp. The wolf quickly recovered himself and snarled towards where he’d thrown the Wyrm.
_____ “Damn demon! Must have cast some sort of spell,” he growled under his breath, “Sorry about that, Kid.” He slowly turned towards the ruins and sighed. “I don’t think there’s anything left for us here,” a high pitched whine escaped his throat. “Let’s… go back.”
_____ Before Kira could think of a way to comfort him, he was running. Galloping at full speed in the direction she assumed would bring them home.

— — —

_____ The doorbell’s cliché chime interrupted Kira’s train of thought. She sat on the couch, with TJ at the far end. Both sat in silence ever since she’d gotten home from the incident at Lord Tatsu’s castle. They were both in their Bestia forms, and so heard whoever was coming before the bell had even rung, however they didn’t pay any mind to it until now.
_____ “I’ll get it,” Kira groaned, knowing it’d be strange if TJ answered her door. She half-ran the door, partially in an attempt to get further from TJ. “Who is it?” she asked, pulling the stubborn door open. As soon as the door was wide enough to see her visitor, Kira wished she had looked out the window first.
_____ “Hi there, Ookami!” grinned Liz, leaning against the doorframe.
_____ Liz. The cause of Kira’s torment. The source of the explosion that’s pushing her friends apart. She turned them against each other; made them see their friends as enemies. Liz was the true enemy! A low growl escaped Kira’s throat as she rapidly transformed into her full-lycanthrope form. The form of an anthropomorphic wolf; a werewolf; a beast Kira hoped was stronger than the Princess. Kira thrashed her clawed hand towards Liz. Grabbing her by the collar of her shirt, she pulled her inside and slammed the door shut; shoving Liz into it to do so.
_____ “Unhand me, Dog!” Liz screeched, “Ookami! What is the meaning of this?!” Her eyes flashed towards TJ, who was now approaching the two. “Kitsune, do something!”
_____ ‘Kira, no! Don’t do this!’ Ookami begged, ‘Let her go! We don’t have proof that this is her fault! I can’t let you harm her!’
_____ “Let her go.” TJ said flatly. Kira looked at him, a bit confused, and instantly noticed his bright orange eyes. It wasn’t TJ; it was Kitsune using TJ’s body. After a moment of Kira staring, Kitsune stepped closer and grabbed her right hand, pulling it away gently. “Now the other one, Kira,” he added, motioning towards her left hand with his head.
_____ Kira looked back to Liz, who stared coldly back at her. The wolf-girl scoffed and dropped her arm; Liz grinned wickedly.
_____ “Ah, Kitsune,” Liz said calmly, turning all attention away from Kira, “Just the fox I needed to see.”
_____ “What did you need to see me for, Princess?” the fox asked.
_____ “To congratulate you, of course! What else, you silly fox!” she smiled and patted him on the head; Kira glared, “Just yesterday you defeated Taka, and now you seem to be here for Ookami. He’s been a very bad dog this time around.”
_____ Kitsune scoffed and looked apologetically at Kira, “Thank you for the reminder of my regret, Princess.”
_____ “’Regret?’” Liz asked, coldly, then turned to glare at Kira, “So, Ookami, you’ve corrupted him too? You’re just trying to ruin this tournament for me, aren’t you? Tatsu won’t be happy about this.”
_____ “Please, Elizabeth,” Kitsune interrupted, repositioning himself to be slightly in front of Kira, “You’ve been asked to call him Lord Tatsu, and it would be wise to do so.” The slightest growl escaped his throat, “You are still a mortal human, Princess. Tatsu is a Dragon-God, and you will use the proper respect when speaking of him.”
_____ A chuckle rumbled behind Liz’s grin, “You’re wrong. Mortal humans can’t do what I can. Mortal humans can’t use… Arcane Magic.
_____ ‘It’s not fair,’ Ookami growled, ‘Nor does it make sense. Why is she able to do that? Why does Tatsu allow her to use his magic?’
_____ Kira took a breath to respond, but before she could, Liz held one finger towards her face, gesturing for her to be silent.
_____ “Kira,” Liz said warmly, “I have a… question for you.”
_____ “What?” Kira asked, exhaling her deep breath.
_____ Kitsune gave a worried look, but backed a few steps away as Liz waved her hand towards him; motioning for him to leave.
_____ “You seem very unhappy, Kira. Don’t you like being with Ookami?” she frowned, “Would you be happier if you could go back to your old life, beforeyou were linked to that wolf’s soul? Would you like to go back to being friends with your current rivals? Please; tell me the truth.” The frown turned smug, “Did you know I have the power to do that for you? That I have the power to free you, if you wished to be freed?”
_____ “I would…” Kira stuttered, “I would give anything to go back to that..!”
_____ ‘Kira, no! Wait, don’t listen to her!’ Ookami warned.
_____ “Alright then, Kira,” Liz grinned, “Have it your way.” The princess’ body began to glow a strong white color. “But I expect the gods to continue their fight without you,” she grinned towards Kitsune who gasped. Kira and Kitsune both began to glow with the same white aura as Liz, and their surroundings began to blur.
_____ “What’s going on?!” Kira asked, shielding her eyes from the blinding light.
_____ “You wish,” Liz grinned, “It’s about time it came true!”
_____ ‘Kira! No!!!’ Ookami howled; his voice fading further and further away.



— — — — — —
The Five Gods: Chapter Fifteen
END
— — — — — —


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 8:17 am 
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The Inkwell Coyote
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Joined: Wed Aug 09, 2006 4:28 pm
Posts: 7495
Location: 44°39'54"N 90°10'33"W
You have a fairly good grip on dialogue and how it should be laid out, but I would really try to develop more setting. The last thing you want is for your readers to have to build the stage themselves, and find out they're wrong in the next few paragraphs. Build the world around your characters so they don't end up floating in the void.

:) I'm off to class, good luck.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 9:03 pm 
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Citizen
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Joined: Fri Jun 16, 2006 3:30 pm
Posts: 88
Location: Drawing
Chapter Sixteen:

Click for Cast Sketches

------------
Note1: Sorry about the lack of formatting... Forums suck for posting long stories... >.>
You can also read it on FictionPress here: <http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2447546/1/>

Note2: The more comments, the sooner the next chapter comes! <3



— — — — — —
The Five Gods: Chapter Sixteen
By: Jae
— — — — — —





_____ The following morning, Kira woke up in her own bed, in her human form. She grunted briefly as she rubbed her eyes. Slowly, she stumbled out of bed and walked towards the door. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught sight of herself in the mirror. A quick gasp escaped her as she looked herself over.
_____ “What’s happened?!” she asked the reflection.
_____ The girl blinked again and again to be sure her eyes weren’t playing tricks on her. When the image staring back at her didn’t change, she began frantically touching her face; her hair; her arms.
_____ “This can’t be… real,” she stuttered, “I’m… a…” She tried to finish the sentence, but was incapable of doing so. All she could do was let out a loud, ear-piercing scream of terror.

— — —

_____ Far away in a dark forest, Ookami awoke, exhausted and confused. He was near a small pond in a clearing, alone. He grunted briefly as he stumbled to his feet. Slowly, he stumbled towards the pond for a drink. Through the small ripples, he caught sight of his reflection in the water. A quick gasp escaped him as he looked himself over.
_____ “What the hell?! What happened now?!” he asked the reflection.
_____ The wolf blinked again and again to be sure his eyes weren’t playing tricks on him. When the image staring back at him didn’t change, he began frantically pawing at his snout; his ears; his forelegs.
_____ “This… is impossible,” he stuttered, “I’m… a…” He tried to finish the sentence, but was incapable of doing so. All he could do was let out a loud, ear-piercing yelp of terror.

— — —

_____ “Kira?!” Keno called, bursting through the unlocked door, “What’s wrong?!”
_____ “I- I’m- I’m HUMAN!” she managed to say through her shock.
_____ Again, she looked herself over. Her hair had returned to its original light brown color, and her body was defiantly human with no features suggesting otherwise. Somehow, she had been moved to her bed and changed into her light green pajamas, but she couldn’t recall any of it. The last thing in her memory was being in the living room, confronting the Princess. A low growl rumbled in her throat as her attention returned to the mirror. The slightest bit of relief warmed her as she noticed her bright golden eyes.
_____ “Kira, that’s great!” Keno cheered, “You’re not a wolf anymore!”
_____ “No,” she said flatly, “That’s the problem, Keno. I am a wolf.” She glanced at the confused boy, revealing her strange eyes. “I’m not Kira. She’s gone,” he sighed, “I’m Ookami.”
_____ “What?” Keno gasped, “What did you do to my sister? Where is she?!”
_____ Ookami broke Keno’s stare and turned back to the mirror, “I simply woke up this way, but she is gone. I can’t transform into my own body either. Something has gone horrible wrong, I have to find the other Gods. Maybe this affected them too.”
_____ Keno couldn’t look away from Ookami; his face was blank except for the fear in his eyes. “You have to find her; she has to be safe. I…” his voice broke, “I can’t lose her, Ookami! Please, promise me you’ll find her! She told me she trusted you; can I trust you to bring her back to me?”
_____ Ookami sighed, looking down at his small, human hands, “I have no powers like this, and I have no access to my true form. For all I know, I’m mortal.” He sighed again, “But even if it kills me; I’ll find her, I’ll make sure she’s safe, and if I’m able, I will return her soul to this body.”

— — —

_____ “Wha- What happened?!” Kira stuttered, glaring at her wolf-like reflection. “Ookami? Liz?! TJ?!!” she barked, looking into the dark forest. “Why do I have Ookami’s body? And his voice?” she asked her reflection; her blue eyes simply stared back in silence, “Where is everyone..? What… happened?”
_____ Kira turned around in circles, trying to find any signs of life. In her panic, she lowered her ears and tail and let out a long howl.
_____ “Not hard to find you, is it?” asked a cocky voice from behind.
_____ Kira jumped as she turned towards the familiar voice. Kitsune stood before her, his brown eyes soft. The warmth of comfort flowed through her at last.
_____ “Kitsune!” she smiled, “It’s me, Kira; I need your help!”
_____ “I don’t know how much help I’ll be…” he admitted, “I’m TJ. Kira, what happened to us?”
_____ The comforting feeling quickly turned to the cold anger Kira remembered so well. The true reality of TJ’s crime stampeded into her mind, crushing her more recent fears of being alone. Her ears pinned themselves back and her tail raised straight up. Kira’s hopeful smile turned to a cold glare and her fangs appeared, releasing a snarl.
_____ “Kira, please; don’t do this,” TJ sighed, unafraid of his potential attacker, “We have to stick together; we have to fix this.”

— — —

_____ Ookami knew he had to find the other gods, but he had no idea how to contact them. With this body, he couldn’t even let out a hopeful howl. Keno suggested going to school to look for them; maybe they would do the same. The thought of going to a human school in this body made him shutter, but he couldn’t deny that it was the best and only choice he had. Reluctantly, he found Kira’s school uniform and began to change, but he refused to wear the short skirt that was issued to the girls of that school. After searching through the mess of a closet Kira had kept, he managed to find the winter skirt; a long pink skirt that would at least be slightly less humiliating. Ookami had taken control of Kira’s human body before, but had never given a second thought about it. This time it truly was his body that was female. Of all the insults this curse had brought, being both Human and female was by far the more embarrassing.
_____ But he had no other choice. As soon as he was dressed, Ookami began running to the place he’d seen Kira run for the bus. It wasn’t far, but the damn shoes he had to wear with the uniform made it a much harder task than he’d assumed. Suddenly, the reason Kira was always late became perfectly clear. He managed to make it just before the bus left him behind, painfully climbing the stairs with only the hopes of sitting down driving him.
_____ As soon as he was inside, he skimmed the bus, looking for the familiar face he’d hoped for. In the very back of the bus, he saw TJ; hopefully with Kitsune still within him. He walked down the narrow isle, never breaking the fox’s stare, until he was close enough to notice the boy’s orange eyes.
_____ “You’re… Kitsune,” he sighed. This had affected the others too.
_____ “Ookami,” the fox nodded, “I’m glad, yet slightly surprised you came.” He snickered, “You’re a female now, after all.”




— — — — — —
The Five Gods: Chapter Sixteen
END
— — — — — —


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 12:44 am 
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Citizen
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Joined: Fri Jun 16, 2006 3:30 pm
Posts: 88
Location: Drawing
Chapter Seventeen:

Click for Cast Sketches

------------
Note1: Sorry about the lack of formatting... Forums suck for posting long stories... >.>
You can also read it on FictionPress here: <http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2447546/1/>

Note2: The more comments, the sooner the next chapter comes! <3



— — — — — —
The Five Gods: Chapter Seventeen
By: Jae
— — — — — —





_____ Petra awoke in a tree, in the dark forest, alone.
_____ “Ngh,” she moaned, “Neko..? Where are we?”
_____ She hopped down to the ground, quickly realizing she landed on four paws. It only took a moment for her to become aware of her cat-like body. Panic spread throughout her as she frantically called out for Neko. Her voice echoed back to her; mocking her.
_____ “Neko… you… left me,” she cried.
_____ A twig snapping was just enough to make her jump. She turned to face the darkness, hoping that somehow it was Neko, coming to save her. To her disappointment, she was instead confronted by a large brown bear; Robbie.
_____ “K- Kuma! What are you doing here?!” she hissed.
_____ “I have no idea,” he sighed, “And you… Petra?”
_____ The cat gasped.
_____ “Lucky guess,” Robbie chuckled, “Petra, it’s me … Robbie. Kuma is gone, and I assume Neko is as well?”
_____ “Robbie,” she whimpered, “Where’s Neko? He left me… I have to… find him.” Her hazel eyes began to water.
_____ The bear cautiously approached and sat next to the sobbing feline. Instinctively, she buried her face into his shoulder and began to weep.
_____ “Petra, please, listen to me. Neko is… using you. He’s been lying to you this whole time!” He paused to calm his tone, “I’m not saying he’s evil, Petra; he probably doesn’t even know the truth; but if you follow him long enough, Petra… He’ll kill you as well!” he noticed her glaring at him through her tears, but still continued, “I’m not trying to turn you against him, I’m just trying to save you. I care about you, Petra; I don’t want to lose you.” He rubbed his large head against hers, but she quickly pulled away.
_____ “Shut up,” she murmured, “I don’t want to hear this. Not from you. Neko is always so nice to me; he gives me the respect I deserve,” she paused, “No; he gives me more. He treats me like royalty, Robbie. You have no idea how happy that makes me. I don’t have to worry about going home to an empty house anymore. Being linked to Neko… I’m never alone anymore.”
_____ “But he’ll kill you,” Robbie whispered.
_____ “I don’t care,” she explained, “I really don’t.” Again, she buried her face in his shoulder, “He told me first off what would happen if the fight took too long; that’s why I was so eager to help him.”
_____ Robbie stared blankly at Petra, “You… knew?! And you still-”
_____ The cat smiled faintly, “I’m sorry; I’m not going to change just because you know. As soon as I find Neko, I am going to continue fighting his cause. I’m… sorry.”

— — —

_____ “Alright, Kitsune,” Ookami said as the two stepped off the bus, “Just act like a human, it will be easy; we’re gods after all!”
_____ “We just need to find Kuma,” Kitsune added, “That shouldn’t be too hard.” A chuckle rose from his throat, “Wouldn’t want him to miss seeing you like that!
_____ “Focus, you damn fox!” Ookami snapped, “I didn’t come here to be a part of your fun! I don’t know how close you were to your human, but I was to mine, and I intend to find her.”
_____ “Sorry,” Kitsune breathed, “It’s just that…” his voice cracked and he burst into laughter, “It’s just that you look so great in that pink outfit!”
_____ Ookami rolled his eyes and continued walking towards the school, leaving Kitsune behind. The fox recovered from his laughter and realized he was alone. He quickly located his departing companion.
_____ “Eh?! Ookami! Don’t leave me!” he cried, running after the wolf.

— — —

_____ “Robbie,” Petra sighed, breaking the silence of her wandering, “Please, quit following me. I need to find Neko, and when I do, I’m going to start fighting again.” She grimaced, “That includes you, Robbie, so go away!”
_____ “No way,” he said flatly, following a safe distance behind, “When you find Neko, I’d like to have a word with him if you don’t mind.”
_____ Petra growled and turned to confront him, “And what do you need to tell him that’s so important?”
_____ “I thought that’d be obvious,” he smirked, “I need to scold him for abandoning you.” He chuckled sarcastically, “He’s the one person you trust and he left you alone and unguarded in the dark, dangerous forest? I won’t allow that.”
_____ Petra’s eyes tightened as she swallowed a growl.
_____ “And to think, if I hadn’t found you, who knows what could have happened?” The bear continued in his sarcastic tone, “You could have gotten hurt or something, and Neko wouldn’t have ever known.”
_____ Petra bared her pearl-white fangs and let out a fierce hiss.
_____ “Just tryin’ to make conversation,” the boy said with a sigh.

— — —

_____ “Neko, you have to help us; it’s hard enough without Taka… without you, it will be impossible!” Kuma begged.
_____ “Until Tatsu himself recalls his orders, I will not stop,” Neko snapped. He flinched slightly when he saw Ookami and Kitsune approaching, “Either Tatsu’s word, or proof of Elizabeth’s corruption. Those are your options.” He glared towards the other two as they came closer, then left without another word.
_____ Kuma scoffed and turned to greet his allies, “I’m glad you came; Ookami, Kitsune. I hope one of the two of you knows what’s happened to us. Why are we human? Where are our partners?”
_____ “I believe it was the Princess who did this,” Ookami said coldly, “I think she was trying to separate us from the humans and, needless to say, something went wrong with her spell.”
_____ “Why would she do that?” Kuma pondered.
_____ “Ookami’s human decided to taunt her,” Kitsune said with a glare, “I thought she’d let it go, but evidently, I was wrong.”
_____ Kuma gave a disappointed look to the wolf and sighed, “As bad as this is, that fact might actually help my case with Neko.”

— — —

_____ “TJ,” Kira said coldly, “I don’t think you have any idea where you’re going. Why don’t you ask for directions?”
_____ “Ask who?” TJ laughed, “The tree?”
_____ “No, actually, I was thinking more along the lines of the fox that’s been following you,” she said sarcastically.
_____ TJ glanced behind and noticed the Red-Fox vixen that was a short distance behind. She had similar markings to his, but with a much darker shade of red fur, and her white markings covered less of her face and more of her chest. TJ’s face brightened when she met his glance.
_____ “Mora!” he cheered, “Mora, what are you doing here?” he let out a happy laugh and approached the fox that seemed to be hiding behind a tree trunk. “Mora,” he laughed again, “Why are you hiding?”
_____ “Lord Kitsune!” the vixen said, trembling from fear, “Watch out! Lord Ookami is right behind you! He could attack at any moment!”
_____ “Who me?” Kira grinned, her tone still sarcastic, “Not unless he gave me a good reason to- oh wait.”
_____ “Give it a rest, Kira,” TJ sighed. “Mora, I’m not Kitsune; I’m TJ. You remember me too, right?”
_____ “Of course I do,” she said, her fear dissolved, “What happened to you? That’s Lord Kitsune’s body!”
_____ He lowered his head to Mora’s level, “We’re not exactly sure what happened… could you help us though? We need to get out of this forest; he need to get home… well, to Kira’s house, actually,” he sighed, “My house isn’t exactly an option.”
_____ “I don’t go near humans often, TJ. I try to avoid them,” Mora admitted, “But I’ll try my best to lead you there.” She smiled warmly, “It’s an honor to serve you, TJ; you and Kitsune both.”

— — —

_____ “Petra…” Robbie sighed.
_____ “What?! You’re still here?” she snapped.
_____ Robbie sighed again. He’d been following her this whole time and was beginning to think they were going in circled. As time went on, Petra became more and more irritable. At first she’d cried for Neko, not hiding anything from him, now she just yelled at him and tried to get away from him.
_____ “Do you have any idea where we are? Where we’re going?” he finally asked, though he assumed how the girl would react.
_____ “I don’t have a destination. I’m looking for Neko; that’s all that matters to me right now.”
_____ “Fine, I’ll bite; why would he be way out here?” Robbie dared to ask.
_____ “Because he’s looking for me too,” Petra murmured, “I know he is.”
_____ A low growl rumbled in Robbie’s throat; a growl he wished he could have contained. But how could he not be angry? How could he let his friend knowingly face her death? Especially when the friend was someone he cared for more than anyone else. Someone he once loved; someone who once loved him.
_____ “Petra,” he whispered, “don’t do this.”
_____ Memories flooded both their minds; memories of themselves, together. Their relationship was always changing, switching from love to friendship and back again. But they were always happy. Not like they were now; with the gods asking them to fight. They had once promised each other that they would always be friends, if nothing more. Did this curse cancel that out? Because of the gods, they have to be enemies?
_____ “It’s not fair, Petra,” Robbie said, his eyes tense, “Why does Neko’s word trump mine? You’ve know him, what? A week? How does that even compare to our years?!”
_____ Petra growled, fighting back tears. Robbie help his ground.
_____ “Robbie..!” she growled, unable to respond to his argument.
_____ The bear cleared his throat and held his head high. Just as her tears began to fight back, Petra sprinted away into the safety of the dark woods.
_____ “Don’t follow me!” she cried, refusing to look back.
_____ “Petra…” Robbie sighed, sitting alone in the silent forest.




— — — — — —
The Five Gods: Chapter Seventeen
END
— — — — — —


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 1:44 am 
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The Inkwell Coyote
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Posts: 7495
Location: 44°39'54"N 90°10'33"W
The story doesn't hold my attention, mainly because it's so heavy on dialogue and sparse on everything else. Your settings should be more than a few sentences long if you're describing someplace we've never been before. The dialogue itself needs work, too. You write a lot of "he chuckled, he laughed, he muttered, he whispered, he said softly, he said harshly, he said angrily, etc etc etc." Dialogue tags are meant to be invisible to the reader. They only serve to tell us who said what. You can get away with one of these in very rare occasions, but right now you're relying too much on them. The dialogue itself should tell us what emotions or tones of voice your character is using. That's another thing you need to work on.

You should also practice a lot on your ability to show us something, as readers, rather than telling us. Your intro especially, when you say "There was this, then there was that, and in the middle there's that." Kick all of that out, and anything like it. Exposition without any kind of interaction is what history books are for. Try integrating these places with some kind of action that's happening at that moment. Don't randomly point the camera at something that needs to be explained. Have a reason for looking in that particular place. Otherwise the story reads like a tour guide.

Other than that, I really don't have much else more important than the above. Thus far, the story isn't holding my attention. I apologize if this comes off as harsh, but I'd be lying if I said anything else.

Good luck with revision, though. Always room for improvement.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 10:20 am 
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Citizen
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Posts: 88
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Thank you for your critique; I really am trying to put more into description, but I keep going back to dialog (that's the curse of having a webcomic too; you get used to relying on dialog).
I'm going to consider what you've said while writing the next chapter, but I think what I really need is a Beta... I haven't had one since chapter 8 or so.
And, as a side note, the prologue is supposed to give the feeling of a history book or the way someone would tell a legend. A narrative and nothing more. The rest of the story, of course, should be different... descriptive. But as I said, I'm still trying to learn how to write descriptions and settings.


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