Twokinds ARCHIVE Forums

I'm not the person to ask about the last two questions, but I can give imput on the first.

Try and release it in smaller chapters. Not only will there be more time to think about the other chapters, but you will also have more time to edit and evaluate the one you are working on at the moment. Additionally, peer review would probably be pretty helpful for somthing like this.

I think you should post it here in chapters. Those who don't want to read it until it's completed don't have to, while the others get what they want. Also, I believe it may be easier for you to find motivation when you have a thread full of us in your neck, longing for continuation :P

Chapters

Laura's a spinster

Natani/Stalker.


:wink:

I apologize for the delays, but I've got my editors (hopefully) looking at first chapter of the next section, Desire For Orders: Submission to Authority. I'm hoping to get it released later this week, but it all depends on what they say. After months of not being able to get the sexy to come out right, I think I over compensated, so this chapter might need some more reworking (Keith and Natani fantasize about each other about every third paragraph :P). We'll see what they tell me.

Just for a warning, since the asides add a lot more time to the production time of the fiction, I'm going to be leaving them off at first, and will add them back in later after I have the chance to draw them. The "complete section" version will include them as the last one did.

:D :D :D :D

The first chapter of the second part of Desire For Orders is available now! HTML and PDF versions available. These are not the "final" version of the fiction, and small changes might yet be made before the second part is completed. Asides will be added in later (I know what this one is going to be, I just have been having trouble getting the characters drawn right).

Thanks again to my editing team (and for the team members who didn't get back to me before I rushed this out, please, let me know your thoughts anyway, and I'll incorporate them into the final revision of the complete section). I hope everyone enjoys it. Yes, there's no sexing in this bit, but it establishes some things for the overarching plot, and there's going to be more sexing soon. ;)

You'll note that this section is subtitled "Submission to Authority," which is a much better title than "Desire for Orders, " and I really really wish I'd thought of it originally. :? Oh well.

It is very well written, of course, and that's about all I can say. However, I don't want Natani to have sex, since of the three male characters I like, one is currently trapped as a girl with Evals, one is, in your story at least, pretty evil and wants Keith to kill her, and the third is her brother, who is too far away to be of any use. And I'm not sure if you'd be willing to write that last one anyways; a lot of people would think it's weird...

Now, a little homo-secks with Nat would be good, but really the only candidates would be Laura or Lady Nora (L.N./Nat' would be awesome, by the way). Neither of these is likely, and since you've ignored my victory over Keith and made her into a him, there goes that too.

Also, I just realized that that may be involved in the plot at some point; they see Mike is a girl and find out that Lady Nora did it. Naturally, not realizing that it was only illusion, Natani will ask L.N. to change her. Disappointment will follow. Everyone will feel sorry for Nat' and be glad that she wasn't killed off like some people seem to want, if the Comic Discussion is to be believed. Ingrates.

D: So short...

But character and plot development is good. Now onto the sexxings yes? |D

You misunderstand, Sable, Alaric isn't evil in the least. He's just cold and calculating, and has to expend some amount of effort to maintain his position. In the first part, he suggested Keith take advantage of Natani because he didn't realize at the time that Keith shared Natani's feelings. Don't worry, all will be revealed. ;) And you're forgetting the Stalker, who's the only female character I've seriously considered for a lesbian scene with Natani. Of course, that whole topic is so far out of my depth, I'm not sure I want I want to end up attempting that and drowning.

Not quite yet, Dogman, but soon. Soon. :P

It's a nice little tidbit, especially with the little intrusions by Zen. I'm not sure what you might be looking for by the way of a critique, seeing as it's really only a scene meant to build up tension for the next. But from what I can say, the dialogue does feel a bit too similar between the characters. It'd be nice if there was an easy way to differentiate between their different voices, but that's always going to be a challenge. I'd work on that first and foremost, seeing as you're dealing with three characters. Try to add some rigid, feminine, or playful qualities to them. Heck, I want to see either Keith or Natani smile. Small emotions like that add layers, :)

I'm a little in-between on Natani fantasizing about having manbits, though. I know there's that whole gender confusion on her part, but making it immediately sexual just threw me as it being something there for the sake of being there. Rather than adding parts, why not remove them? Fingers through the fur on her (his?) chest? It's sensual, but not overtly pornographic. Dip your toes into the water before diving into the pool.

Setting, I'd work on too. Build this room up and let's explore it. I don't know if you plan on having Keith & Natani shack up with one another in the next installment, but even if you aren't, build up the scene anyway. The webcomic always gives this very basic image of a bed, wood floors and walls, and that's it. I challenge you to give us more than that. Show us things in the room that might evoke an emotion, add to the mood, or even spark the imagination of any of the characters. It'll give the story more depth than just a lead-in to sex.

But yeah, it's a nice cool-down after the first chapter. Kudos, :)

Well, I guess 'evil' wasn't quite the right word. He just seems rather, well, cold, as you put it. However, if he does not continue to attempt to get Keith to kill Natani (or to kill her some other way), Alaric would once again be a contender for hot Natani-sexing (and I use that term by both definitions, for I am evil).

I didn't forget the Stalker; I consciously chose not to include her, as it would involve yet another person knowing her identity, and then covering it up afterwards. It's possible, but if it ever come down to it, I will always vote for Lady Nora & Natani. I'd offer to help you with a lesbian scene, but I've probably got as little experience with the whole thing as you (or less), so it's not like I'd be a great deal of help.

And you should attempt it; if not officially, then unofficially; outside of the fanfic. You should always be willing to try new things. you never know; it just might be that you yourself are a latent lesbian. It's possible; you could be from the island of Lesbos. It's a Greek island; look it up. Really. I'm not lying.

I'll save my critique for the finished version. :wink: But keep up the good work!

Thanks, FC. See, that's a good bit of what I appreciate, so you're doing very well. The reason Natani's fantasy is written the way it is is to tie it to the sensations she's feeling, mixed with memories of what she'd just witnessed (look it up, Keith does some of that with Alaric). The repressed sexual tension, for both Keith and Natani, is still running pretty close to the surface. She's actually reacting physically to the sensation of the cold air getting through her fur; it's being filtered through her fragmented psychology to produce the image there. When it comes to real fantasy, which we'll see more of in the next chapter, it will be of a more sensual nature. In fact, "more sensual" is a good way to describe much of what I've got planned for the next chapter.

...I just realized that I probably used the wrong terminology there though...Since "breathplay" actually involves asphyxiation now that I think of it.

I apologize about the setting. The problem with covering ground that's already been the setting for the comic for the past several months is that I neglect to establish it myself. That will be fixed. I will also see what I can do about the dialogue.

Sable: Did you hear that the Lesbians lost their court case to keep lesbians from using that name? I've been trying to keep up on it because it's amusing. However, I've got no Greek blood in me, so it's very unlikely I'm even a little bit of a Lesbian. Using the Stalker would make more sense if you know what I've been considering for the character (the Natani x Stalker scene might even be bribery/blackmail fodder to get the Stalker to keep Natani's secret...I dunno...Like I said, I'm very unsure if I want to try such a thing).

I'd initially wanted to end things cleanly with Keith falling asleep happily at the end of the third section, but that obviously can no longer happen. Now that I've introduced a plot, I'm going to have to deal with it all. I suppose I'm going to have to follow the comic a bit again, and have Trace abducted. I just don't know how I'll fit all that in...


Oh, I see how it is. You're one of the voices calling for me to release this in little chapters instead of massive completed sections, and then you won't comment on them. You're such a tease. :P

Well, it was really just an excuse not to comment. I'm doing other stuff at the moment. Other... Horrible things...

I'm completely out to sea on the whole Isle of Lesbos thing, if that's what you're talking about Av. I'm pretty sure I'm not a lesbian...