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PostPosted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:29 pm 
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Grand Templar
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So is this guy going to become a Berserker like in Canis Lupus?


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PostPosted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:36 pm 
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Not sure what you mean by Canis Lupus, but no, he is not going to go berserk. I'm saving that for this one other character later in the story. He is a gray-wolf Beastian. There, I spoiled something, but then again I guess one spoiler is enough for now.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 4:19 am 
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Oh my god. This freaking chapter took up six pages on Word. I certainly hope I didn't miss anything important, or else I'm going to be toroughly pissed at the computer and myself. Please enjoy. Remember I welcome any feedback at all, good or bad.

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Chapter 3: An Escape and A Choice

A headache, a sore body, and the desire to eat raw meat. All of these things came to Alex’s mind as he woke. He felt groggy and hungry he opened his eyes. The green water still surrounded him, and arms and legs were still held down. He looked around in the room out the tanks window. The same mirror-window reflected the pure white room before. He tried, his eyes still unfocused from his past trauma, looking at himself in its reflection. He couldn’t make out what it was he saw. Second by second past as eyes began to focus, and his vision becoming more unblurred. His vision, now able make things out, saw what he had become. His body resembled that much like a white tiger in human form. Fear and anger rushed through him. What Garret did was unforgivable, at best inhumane. His anger towards Garret seared through him could put him past rationality, but his fear of what others might think of kept him in his right mind. He wasn’t sure what to do. The only thing on his mind was that he wanted out. He wanted to get away from where he was now, and stay far away. It was then he realized that the braces on his arms were a little looser, not by the fact his wrist a little smaller, but that the brace looked like it could be broken off. He pushed his left arm forward with all his might. The brace loosened more and more until it finally gave way. His left arm free, he started working on getting his right arm free, which took a little less time than it did with his left. He then freed his legs from their constraints. Floating in tank, he faced the window. He tapped the glass a few taps to test if it was breakable. He threw a mild punch at it. It didn’t break. He began to think of what to do, seeing it wouldn’t break. It then came to him.

If he couldn’t break the stupid glass, then he should push it out. He then positioned his back on the tanks metal wall, and his feet on the glass. He took a couple of breaths from the oxygen mask, and started pushing with his legs. He kept pushing on glass surface until something moved. The door slowly started to lower as he kept pushing. Water started to slowly pour out of the tank as door kept opening. Suddenly the door gave way and lowered to its fullest, making water rush out and taking Alex along with it. The oxygen mask flew of his furry face as he landed hard on the cold, now soaked, floor. “Ow, that didn’t feel good,” he said, “Ok, I got to get out of here- whoa.” He tried to stand on his feet, but fell backwards and landed on his tail, letting out a loud yelp. He was on the brink of tears as he rubbed the sore part of his tail. “Guess I need to start thinking about some other parts of this body.” He tried standing up again, only this time more slowly. The weight of his tail kept making him unbalanced, and almost fell back down again because of it. Finally able to steady himself, he walked slowly to door. He opened the door, to his surprise, and found a dimly lit room behind it. Most of the stuff in the room that he saw didn’t even look recognizable. Most of it actually looked like it belonged in some sci-fi movie. He moved himself to a desk that faced the window. He was shivering as his fur was wet with cold water. He looked around the room, and saw, to more of his surprise, his clothes hanging from a rack. His plain blue shirt, and black pants. He quickly pulled them on, finding some warmth from them as they covered his body. The pants didn’t want to fit right because of his tail. He turned his attention back to the desk again. It had a few buttons here and there, and a flat screen embedded in the metal.

He stepped up to it, and examined it. There was no keyboard in sight. He touched the screen, and it responded. “So it’s one those, huh. Ok, I can work with that,” he said. He then started tapping furiously at the screen, trying to hack into the bases main computer. He had no luck in hacking in so he decided to hack into the security and the file storage. “Success, looks like I got into both. Now let’s see what the doc is cooking.” The security cameras showed that there was no one guarding the door outside the room he was in, and files showed that there more people like him, except as different animals. He tried going further into the files to find out what why Garret was doing this, but his every attempt was blocked. He was sure the others wanted out of there prison too, so he set to work to free them. He found that the only way to release the others was to go to the control, and release them from there. He made his way to the door, and it slid up. “Ok, I got to admit. That was cool.” He peered out of the door, and checked to see if anyone was waiting at either end of the hall. No one was there so set about trying to find the control. Walking down a hall he saw a map up on the wall to his left. The shape of the place on the map was circular with straight halls. Everything he saw seemed pretty detailed considering the place looked more like a base on the inside. Every hall he had walked through was white. He found the location of the control room, and headed in its direction, making sure that no one was around each corner he across. It was odd. He didn’t see a single person on his way as he approached the control room. The door didn’t open automatically like the one before. There was a small keyboard and screen located to the left of the door. He knew it needed a password right away. Trouble was he didn’t know it. He hacked into the small computer, trying to override the lock. His luck was running farther today than it usually did any other day. It unlocked itself, and slid up to admit him in. The room he was standing in now was familiar. It was the room that Garret had talked to him from over the computer.

His tail was now wagging due to his achievements as far. He approached the electronic desk with its many buttons. He found the button the professor had pressed by accident. He pressed and the same screen that turned on before awakened. He saw the same creature with its long, silver flowing hair. Now having a better look, he noticed it was a woman that resembled a tiger. He looked back down at the desk to look for the button that turned on the rest of the monitors. He found it at the top of the desk, and pressed it. All the screens awakened this time, showing the others that Garret experimented on. He looked at another particular screen, and saw two girls, who of both which looked like foxes, in separate tanks. His hand curled up into a fist when saw them. His anger towards Garret increased even more. “It’s bad enough he experimented on adults, but this is too far. He experimented on children,” he said to himself. His anger towards Garret seemed to be turning into hatred towards the mad scientist. He scanned the desk, trying to locate the button that would set them all free. Not a lot of them were labeled, but he actually found one that said release. Hoping the button didn’t mean something else, he pressed it and looked back up the monitors. The tanks on each of the screens opened on the cameras view. All the different people turned animal hybrids looked around for a sign of their rescuer. The only one that didn’t seem to open was the one with the woman with silver hair. She looked to be asleep. He scanned the desk again, and found a button labeled ‘speaker’. He pressed it, and spoke “Can everyone hear me?”

All of them seemed to as the gray wolf man from the monitor at the top right said, “Yeah, I can hear you.” All the others seem to have heard him as well.
“Cool, it seems like you all are ok. I’m in the control room, and I just released you,” Alex said.
“Well thank goodness. It’s about time someone released us. I hated that tank,” the same wolf said.
“The door isn’t opening,” said a fox woman in the center of the screens.
“Hold on, there must be a button for that,” Alex said, rescanning the desk again. He found the button and pressed it. The doors on all the screens seemed to have unlocked as they were exiting off the screens. The two fox girls didn’t seem to have moved though. “Um, miss fox woman?” Alex called.
“It’s Julia, sir.” Julia replied.
“Miss Julia, It seems as if two fox girls haven’t moved yet. Could you go get them? They are in room,” he stopped, reading the location number, “A-23.”
“Sure thing, sir. I’ll go get them now,” Julia replied.
“Everyone, the exit is located at the south end of this building. Go there, and get out of this place.” Alex said. A man who looked like a brown bear hadn’t left the room yet, but was pacing around as if looking for something better to do. “Mister bear?” The bear man looked up at the camera and said, “Hector,”
“Hector, please proceed to room,” Alex looked at the monitor with the tiger woman, “B-02.” Hector stumbled out of sight of the camera. Alex felt it best to leave the control now, so proceeded to the room he just mentioned. He didn’t have to walk too far before he arrived. He waited for a few minutes before Hector arrived. When he saw Hector approaching, Alex noticed that he didn’t have much of a problem walking around. He just now noticed that the others didn’t have the same he still had. It was quite hard to keep balanced on two feet with a tail sticking out you backside.

Hector stopped right in front of Alex. He was taller than Alex by a few feet, and was wearing a brown shirt with blue jeans. The door didn’t slide open automatically like the others did. Together, they grabbed the bottom of the door, and lifted it open. As they entered the room, Alex went straight to the touch screen on the desk. He fiddled here and there on it before he finally over rode the lock to the white room. Hector went in first, followed closely by Alex as they approached the tank. The tank seemed to have a thumbprint scan on it. “Damn, it’s a scanner. I bet the last good thumbprint is probably gone by now. Looks like this needs a more direct approach,” he said, and nodded to hector. They both dug their claws into the cracks of the door, and tried to open it. The door started budging immediately with their combined strength, and soon opened with green water rushing out. The tiger woman nearly fell out, but Alex caught her in his arms. It was strange to him now that he realized he was the only one who had his arms, and legs forced down to the back the tank. “Hey, Hector. Were your arms and legs forced to the back of the tank? I mean before you were transformed?” he asked.
“Yes, but I didn’t want it,” Hector replied.
“Good, then that must mean everyone else was forced into this also.”
“That’s my assumption.” Alex was still wondering why the woman hadn’t woken up yet. He shook her a bit trying to wake her up. She stirred a bit in her sleep. Hector moved up to the tank sniffed the inside of the oxygen masked.

He immediately moved away, shaking his head. “Sleeping gas. It was easy to tell. I felt drowsy the moment I sniffed it,” he said.
“Aw, so that’s the problem. Quick solution,” Alex said, then he yelled, “WAKE UP!” With a snap, the woman opened her eyes. She looked at her surroundings before she focused on Alex. She lifted a hand to her head as she sat up and said, “What happened? Where am I?”
“I’m not sure. I was kinda hoping you could tell me that yourself?” Alex asked. She looked at him with a curious look and said, “Oh, you’re one of the poor souls that Garret experimented on.”
“Yeah, I guess you could say that, but then I also guess you’re one of us poor souls too.” he said.
“What are you-“ she cut off and looked down at her arms, legs, and body and found she was covered in orange fur with black stripes. “Damn that [censored]! He did it to me too.”
“I’ll assume you have been asleep this whole time.”
“I suppose so. Do you know what day it is?” she asked.
“I think it might be the 15th.” Alex replied.
“Well that’s not so bad. That would make it a few days of sleep.”
“Of June.”
“Oh, well then. That makes it a few months.”
“Well then, you’re going to have trouble standing. We need to get out of here. Think you can to do it?” he asked.
“Hah, can I do it? I can get used to any- whoa!” she said, but fell backwards just as he did earlier. He gave a little chuckle, and then said, “I’m having trouble standing too. It’s not easy, that’s the truth. Here I’ll help you.” Alex said, offering his hand to her as he stood up. She took his offer and slowly stood up this time. At first it seemed like she was going to fall again, but she managed to keep her balance. “Alright then, let’s get out of here,” he said. The three of them exited the room, and got her dressed in the clothes that hung on the rack, a black long sleeved shirt, and black pants. They headed to the exit the place in a somewhat quickened pace.

They reached the exit and found the rest of the people bunched up at the exit. Alex pushed his way past the people to find out the problem. The gray wolf man was at the front fiddling with a small computer on the wall beside a large set of doors. He pushed the wolf away so he could hack it. It took him only a couple of seconds before the doors slid to either side, opening to outside. The light outside wasn’t too bad to adjust to. Everything inside the building was brighter than outside. Everyone behind Alex rushed out of the building, nearly knocking him down and trampling him in the process. The last ones to leave the building were Hector, the tiger woman, and Julia with the two fox girls. He followed them after making sure everyone was out. The doors shut with a slam behind him, nearly capturing his tail. He took a look at surroundings, and saw that a forest surrounded them. The earth started shaking terribly under his feet, and looked back at the base. It was starting to rise up off the ground. “Ok, now that is impossible. There is no way he could do that,” Alex said, utterly bewildered by the sight happening in front of him. It was impossible, yet here it was, rising slowly into the air. He rubbed his eyes in the disbelief of it all. This had to be a dream. Nothing like this was possible unless it was in a dream. A speaker screeched to life as Garrets voice spoke, “So, how do you like my movable base? Bet you don’t believe it’s happening?”
“Damn right, I don’t believe it. This is just impossible. Technology hasn’t come this far to lift a building up out of the ground. It’s preposterous,” Alex said, sounding as if he was trying to convince himself rather than someone else.”
“Oh please, you don’t really believe the government do you?”
“Well, no, but I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”
“The government hides things from the citizens all the time. That’s one fact you should know is true. Now, we must be leaving. The law will be here any second. If you all want to try going back to civilization, be my guest. Bye.” And with that, the base flew off past the mountains and trees. Alex turned back to the group. None of them seemed to know what Garret meant by his last statement. Alex certainly knew what he meant. There was no way the world would accept them as they were now. The only others that seemed to understand this was the tiger woman and Hector. Just then, the gray wolf shouted, “Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m going back to society. No way am I going to live out in the woods.” Some of the others started to agree. Alex wasn’t sure what to do; all he could do was continue his disbelief of what happened to him so far.

It was then that Hector put his large paw on Alex’s shoulder and said, “Lead.”
“I can’t lead people. I don’t have the qualities for something like that. Besides, if I did I would probably end up failing,” he said. He knew as much that he couldn’t do something as noble as leading people. “I will follow.” Hector said plainly. Alex looked up at the brown bear face of Hector. He could tell Hector wasn’t lying when he said it. He still wasn’t sure. It seemed like he could do it, considering what he had done so far. The tiger woman then spoke up, “I’ll follow you too.” What was going on here? They wanted him to lead? It didn’t make sense to him at all. Then Julia spoke up and asked, “Are you the one who released us?” She was wearing a yellow tank top with jean shorts. The two fox girls were dressed in matching outfits of white t-shirts, and green dresses. They barely came up past his waist. “Yes, I did release you,” he said to Julia.
“Thank you. You don’t what it was like while being in there. As long as you know what you are doing, I’ll follow you,” she said. This was unexpected to Alex. Three people wanted him lead. He looked at the ground deciding what to do. He wasn’t sure what he was getting himself into, but he lifted his up and started moving the large group people. He made his way to gray wolf standing at the front, and heard somewhere far off in the distance the sound of sirens. Alex stood there in front of the group, all of them wondering what he was doing. He turned to them, and said, “Everyone, please pay attention to me? This is important for to hear,” the group fell oddly silent as he went on, “We have to move away from here. It’s not for us to stay here.”
“Oh, yeah and what makes think that?” the gray wolf asked. Some of the others started to stir as the question was asked.
“What makes me think that is that we are going to be shot if we stay,” Alex said, some of the group gasping at what he said, “I know what you are thinking. You’re thinking the law will listen to us, talk to us, hopefully even see what we went through. You can’t be more wrong though. They won’t listen to us. We will be seen as monsters, and shot down without a chance to explain.”
“And just exactly how did you come to this conclusion?” the gray wolf asked him again.
“Because if it were me, I would shoot you too,” Alex said, not trying to sound mean. But he did anyway, and many of the others started backing away a bit. “Listen, if we move out into the forest we will have a better chance at surviving. I’m certainly not going to give up, and neither should you.” The words came to Alex out of nowhere. Why they were coming to him, he certainly didn’t know. But there they were. Coming to him as if he had said these his whole life. The part of the group that seemed to want to stay before now seemed eager to get away area now. “Okay, now hold on a minute.” He looked back at the way the sirens were coming from. They were closer now. Probably ten minutes away. He looked back at the group and said, “We are going to have to stick together. If we split up we won’t have a chance.” He looked at the gray wolf who questioned him and asked, “You coming?” The gray wolf looked around at the group, and saw that they were all eager to move. He nodded his head. Alex turned to his left, and walked straight into the forest, followed closely by the group of animal. The gray wolf caught with him and asked, “What should we call ourselves? We just can’t go around calling the others fox boy, or dog girl. That wouldn’t be right. We need a name for ourselves to be called. What do you think?” Alex thought about it for a minute, and then said, “Beastians. That’s what we will be known as.”


End of Chapter.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 5:45 am 
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Couple errors that I noticed.
"No one was there so set about trying to find the control."

"He just now noticed that the others didn’t have the same he still had. It was quite hard to keep balanced on two feet with a tail sticking out you backside."

Also, it seems that your characters accept everything too easily. Pace your story out, don't try to cram too many events into just one chapter. Let the characters examine their situation and display their emotions and reactions. At the same time, watch how your characters speak. Imagine if you were speaking the dialogue at the same time. Would it sound stupid or boring coming out of your mouth? If it does, there's probably a better way to write it. For example:

"He immediately moved away, shaking his head. “Sleeping gas. It was easy to tell. I felt drowsy the moment I sniffed it,” he said."

Very few people would explain exactly how they knew it was sleeping gas, and even less people would care at all. It is more or less a given that sleeping gas makes you feel drowsy, so either Hector's being long-winded or he thinks Alex doesn't know what sleeping gas does.

You also seem to dabble in clichés a fair bit too, but I won't chase you for that. Instead, try to justify the clichés instead of simply using them as plot tools. Alex seems to have a problem with leadership. (Most first-time leaders do, especially if they're fictional.) Build around that. Why does he feel that way? Is it because of his past? Does he get over it, and how or why does he get over it? Is it a major weakness that is exploited by the big bad?

Lastly, watch your punctuation, especially around apostrophes. Split your dialogue up, don't put more than one person's speech in the same paragraph or line. If necessary, poke around a few sites and tighten your format up.

Man, I sound like my old English teacher. :? Keep posting, I enjoy reading this. I'm interested to see what that Ninja tiger does next.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 10:04 am 
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Damn, I knew there were a couple of things I missed. :P Those errors with the grammatical problems will be fixed. I'm glad you enjoy the story, Fatacrash.

Fatalcrash wrote:
At the same time, watch how your characters speak. Imagine if you were speaking the dialogue at the same time. Would it sound stupid or boring coming out of your mouth? If it does, there's probably a better way to write it. For example:

"He immediately moved away, shaking his head. “Sleeping gas. It was easy to tell. I felt drowsy the moment I sniffed it,” he said."


Weelll, I plan on explaining on how Hector knew about the sleeping gas in one chapter down the road.

Fatalcrash wrote:
You also seem to dabble in clichés a fair bit too, but I won't chase you for that. Instead, try to justify the clichés instead of simply using them as plot tools. Alex seems to have a problem with leadership. (Most first-time leaders do, especially if they're fictional.) Build around that. Why does he feel that way? Is it because of his past? Does he get over it, and how or why does he get over it? Is it a major weakness that is exploited by the big bad?


I guess you could say it was because of his past. I didn't exactly put it down in the explanation part. I'm glad I didn't too. Would reveal too much of his skills.

Fatalcrash wrote:
Lastly, watch your punctuation, especially around apostrophes. Split your dialogue up, don't put more than one person's speech in the same paragraph or line. If necessary, poke around a few sites and tighten your format up.


Now here is something that I seem to trouble with. I need an exmple of this cuz' I think I'm doing that a lot.

Fatalcrash wrote:
Man, I sound like my old English teacher. :? Keep posting, I enjoy reading this. I'm interested to see what that Ninja tiger does next.


Well, that's also something I'm thinking about. I'm sure that there effects of sleeping gas when used on a longterm use. I'm guessing that it would be around muscle tiredness. Also, a little tid bit of information I've always wanted to know. How deep can rivers get. I've always guessed it to be around 60 feet deep.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 8:03 pm 
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Quick question for those who read or even glanced at this story. I'm looking for a name for the gray wolf character? I had the name Arcturus in mind, but I don't think it will play out. Any suggestions for a name would be great. I really do want to hear suggestions.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 8:55 pm 
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Please don't use that name. Every time someone so much as utters it I immediately remember this guy.

Um... William?


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 9:46 pm 
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i just finished reading the three chapters and i give you pass for your story if i was a teacher C+ or a, B. but I'm a story critic almost as harsh as Yahtzee
when it comes to video games.

i have read most of the story's here and passed them off but yours has got my attention for now anyways.

i have sent you my critic words to you though massager so i don't have to say them here where people can yell at me

all up keep up the OK work

as for the wolf name Shepperd would be a good one


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 9:59 pm 
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auronblades wrote:
i just finished reading the three chapters and i give you pass for your story if [u]i was a teacher[/u] C+ or a, B. but I'm a story critic almost as harsh as Yahtzee
when it comes to video games.

i have read most of the story's here and passed them off but yours has got my attention for now anyways.

i have sent you my critic words to you though massager so i don't have to say them here where people can yell at me

all up keep up the OK work

as for the wolf name Shepperd would be a good one

You're right. People would yell at you. I'm sorry, I'm being mean, I know. I can't help it. I'm sure he has his reasons and at least he read the story first. I take it back.


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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 10:56 pm 
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Fatalcrash wrote:
auronblades wrote:
i just finished reading the three chapters and i give you pass for your story if [u]i was a teacher[/u] C+ or a, B. but I'm a story critic almost as harsh as Yahtzee
when it comes to video games.

i have read most of the story's here and passed them off but yours has got my attention for now anyways.

i have sent you my critic words to you though massager so i don't have to say them here where people can yell at me

all up keep up the OK work

as for the wolf name Shepperd would be a good one

You're right. People would yell at you. I'm sorry, I'm being mean, I know. I can't help it. I'm sure he has his reasons and at least he read the story first. I take it back.


he asked me to read his story and give my critic opinion
i know my spelling is bad you don't have to underline it for people to know and i don't care that it sucks.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 2:17 am 
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auronblades wrote:
Fatalcrash wrote:
auronblades wrote:
i just finished reading the three chapters and i give you pass for your story if [u]i was a teacher[/u] C+ or a, B. but I'm a story critic almost as harsh as Yahtzee
when it comes to video games.

i have read most of the story's here and passed them off but yours has got my attention for now anyways.

i have sent you my critic words to you though massager so i don't have to say them here where people can yell at me

all up keep up the OK work

as for the wolf name Shepperd would be a good one

You're right. People would yell at you. I'm sorry, I'm being mean, I know. I can't help it. I'm sure he has his reasons and at least he read the story first. I take it back.


he asked me to read his story and give my critic opinion
i know my spelling is bad you don't have to underline it for people to know and i don't care that it sucks.

Relax, I'm only kidding around. Actually, your spelling's pretty okay. No need to get so defensive.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 2:34 am 
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I'm not trying to be defensive it more of a reflex after having people attack most of my life.
half the time i don't now that I'm doing it my mum hates it


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 4:26 am 
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auronblades wrote:
I'm not trying to be defensive it more of a reflex after having people attack most of my life.
half the time i don't now that I'm doing it my mum hates it

Welp, so long as it doesn't make you sound like that guy from ctrl-alt-del, I'm fine with that.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 4:31 am 
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something tell me that I'm glad i don't know that what ever it is


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 11:39 pm 
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Still wondering how deep rivers can get.


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