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 Post subject: I finally finished a piece!
PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 5:03 pm 
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Templar Inner Circle
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Location: Somewhere in my pants.
Two, actually. They're both very short. I'm terrible and dialog and such, but I like writing these short, descriptive writs. Here are the two I've finished recently. Both are posted on FictionPress.com.

The first is called Inexorable advance.
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2522038/1/

The second is calle Very, very clear.
http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2529440/1/

Opinions and constructive criticism are very welcome! ^_~


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 7:25 pm 
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Templar Inner Circle
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Well, I'm frankly envious of your ability to be consise. Your words are very efficient; they paint a surprisingly complete picture without waste. It's something I'm (obviously) very weak at. There are a few things I feel as though I can make note of, but on the whole, I'm really impressed how you took such a few number of words and gave us a remarkably clear window in on a world.

In Inexorable Advance, in the line "They surged forward, taking a turn as the heads-up display shown in their helmet advised them," it feels to me like it should be "heads-up displays, shown in their helmets," since you're referring to the helmets worn by each member of the team. Later, "As the cannons rose above the snow, they revealed to the corridor’s end their control systems," reads somewhat awkwardly, but I actually wouldn't change it -- it's both poetic, and clearly establishes "the corridor's end" as an actor (well, it's the soldiers at the corridor's end), so it's clear that it's not just that you could see the control systems from there, it's that they do.

In Very, Very Clear, you've got a couple typos. In "Like a damn charing beast," in the first paragraph ought to be "charging beast," and in "The fist he had raise fell hard against her face," in the last paragraph, it should be "raised" rather than "raise." I believe that "Mother" should be capitalized, as it is used as a proper noun, in "I will remember mother's words very, very clearly." Grammatically, there ought to be a comma in the mother's speech, offsetting the subject of the imperative: "I'll bury you the very next day, you son of a [censored]." However, since it's dialogue, you can probably get away without the comma; it makes the the dialogue rushed and breathless, a rapid explosion of terse words. The comma drags it out, and moves the emphasis. Like I said, you can get away without perfect grammar in dialogue, and you might want to here.

But that pretty much taps me out for useful critique. I don't have much ability in using a few words and using them well, so you've already strode beyond my capability to offer anything there, beyond that I find it very impressive.


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 7:28 pm 
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Templar Inner Circle
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Thanks for pointing out the grammatical things. It's always helpful to be able to fix things like that. And thanks for the positive thoughts. That makes me happy. ^_^ Now if only I weren't so terrible at logn plots and dialog.


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