Twokinds ARCHIVE Forums

Here is where you can discuss The Absolution Chronicles. Ask any questions you want and I'll do my best to answer them.

Constructive comments, suggestions, complains, questions are very welcome. I want to improve the story as much as possible and the best way to do that is from feedback from the readers.
Flames (non-constructive) and spam you can keep to yourself.

If you for some reason don't want to post here, I can be reached by either PM or email. My email address is: zaragor DOT mh AT gmail.com (no links means much less spam).


Next update are scheduled Sunday April 13th. Stay tuned!

-Zaragor

I like the explanation you made. It's very detailed and to the point. I certainly hope this will turn out to be an excellent story.

Your story reminded me of another one that died a while back. This one.

The background story is really similar, but since I haven't talked to Tom in detail how his story is going to eventually end (because I'm afraid to ask mostly), I made the background kinda ambiguous so there wouldn't be any conflicts. Happy I'm not the only one interested in a mix of sci-fi and fantasy xD

The background itself shouldn't have any impact on the story itself, however.

Added a small sneak peak, first chapter schedules for Sunday.

-Zaragor out

First chapter is up!

On the first chapter:
Your story has an interesting premise, but try to pare your sentences down--drastically. For example:

You could easily eliminate "right now," the second "just," the first "just," or both justs altogether.

You could delete the bolded words, in my opinion.

The first four words could easily be condensed into one ("that's"), and it's kind of unecessary to remind readers about the smoke.

May I suggest: "That's what you get for using void energy!" Or something similarly shortened.
Just a few tips. ;)

Thanks for the comments, and also for moving your comments to this tread xD

I've changed all of the sentences that were faulty, as I completely agree with your arguments.

I don't know, but writing this story 4 am in the morning might not be the best time. :lol:

And comments on the story itself, like the content etc?

Also, when quoting, it's often wise to disable html in the post, as keidran speak (<> tags) is often mistaken as html code. It took me some time to notice that when I was posting my story. I was like "wtf? why is my story shorter than usual? and why did some of the conversations disappear?!"

-Zaragor

<> is fairly easy to put in the forum, but DA is a [censored] with it.

Ok, realizing that chapter 1 was kinda long, do people want me to stick with that kind of length or post shorter sections at a time (faster updates!)?

Just curious, since I got some comments saying the story was kind of long to read in one go.

-Zaragor

Wow, feeling like I'm having a monologue.

Story will be delayed due to a stupid English paper and programming assignment.

2nd part is up, although a bit shorter. Sorry for late update!

-Zaragor out

umm one word summary... AWESOME
i'd say more but i'd be going on for ages about how awesome i think it is so far

Alrighty then, my first thought:

That first post you have where you explain all the rules, regulations, and physics of your world? Delete it. You should be teaching that to us in your story, not outside of it. This not only gives you the freedom to make alterations to the rules without having to edit that post, but it also forces you to develop a lot more from scratch. You should know this world like the back of your hand, and that should fluidly transfer over to the reader as events unfold.

Also, I have a problem with a class of ship being named "Corvette." It's too awkward. Like naming a naval ship the U.S.S. Ford F150.

Alright, onto the story:


First off: you need to work on setting. Right now, I don't know where the characters are. You obviously have a good idea of what's around them, but you need to show us that. Before all of the fighting, character dialogue, and all that, you need to give us a portrait of this place we're in. Is there an advanced weapon in a glass case somewhere? Does the navigational officer have to sit on a loofa because of a phazer wound to his arse? Does Zeth have a coffee cup on his chair that says "I <3 Coffee?" Things like these need to be shown to us if they're going to be used in the story.

That brings me to another point. You need to show us what the characters look like. My rule of thumb is to pick three perfect details that show more than they show. Does Zeth have a tattoo under her naval that disappears ever-so-sexily below her waistband? Does she have an eyepatch? I don't know what she looks like in the beginning.

(Sorry for all the harping, but this is what I love getting in response to my fiction.)

Mm, at a sentence level, things need work as well.





Starting a sentence without a subject can drive readers crazy. For one, nobody talks like this. It doesn't sound natural or look natural. This sort of writing was only popular in Victorian literature, and it makes this story appear very writerly. You don't want writerly if you want your readers to believe in you as an author. The third sentence that begins with Nodding, you do it twice. The longer it takes us, the readers, to know who is doing the action, the more apt we are to get confused and have to backtrack. I do it too sometimes, and I have to rearrange things.

Also, you write a lot of "she yelled, murmured, demanded, or voice rang out" and "said pleasantly, confidently, angrily." Dialogue tags are meant ot be invisible. You should be conveying all of these extra adverbs you have in the dialogue itself, and with the actions your character takes before the dialogue begins.

-- Sarah's back scraped against the damp bricks. She knew she was cornered. A pile of loose trash to her right, the dumpster to her left, and the wild grin of her attacker warding off any escape. "Please, don't," she said.

Sorry, I whipped that out of my arse just now. Even so, you can tell by the frontloading that she's not yelling, or demanding, or stating. She's scared [censored], assuming rape is on the way. She's going to be whimpering. The audience should pick up on that as they read the dialogue, not after.


Those are the main points I think you need to work on. Beyond that, the story's all your's. Good luck, mate, and hope I helped! :)

I like to keep stuff technical (I am an engineer after all, or at least trying to become one) so I think i'll keep the stuff at the start. Corvette is a designation used in the game, and I really like it.

oh, just a side-note Zeth is a he, not a she :p It's his short name. His real name will be revealed later.

Your comment is exactly what I was hoping to get, someone commenting on my writing style and gives suggestion on how i can improve the story. GIEF MOAR OF THESE!

Yes, I am aware that I have been slacking a bit on the description part, but the first chapters were mainly focused on story development. I won't make any changes to the first 2 chapters yet, but I will make sure to include more descriptions in any other chapters that I write. When i re-read through, I just realized how dry the story is.

Yes, character descriptions are coming up in the next chapter along with some more character development!

Again, thanks for the comments, I was really depressed by the amount of comments I got and was considering to simply stop writing the story for a while.

-Zaragor

Feedback is writer-fuel. If you can't find it in one forum, I suggest trolling many more.

Whenever you get into college, I demand you take Creative Writing courses. It's just too much fun, if you're willing to have people gather in a room to talk about your fiction while you're there. And it can be brutal.

But you really do need character descriptions in Chapter 1, in the paragraph they first appear in. You don't have to say, "He has blue eyes. He had a hawt body. He was blonde." You can just as easily show us these details as the character either interacts with them, or simply exposit them to us.

Fun thing you'll learn as a writer: it's 1% cool ideas, and 99% being able to sit your [censored] in the chair and write them down.