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Well, last night, when I normally read before sleeping, I pulled up my laptop, and instead of reading something, I pulled up my text editor, and started typing. 90 minutes later, I had the following story.
I know it needs a lot of work, and isn't nearly done, but that was all I could do last night. So, here goes.
The description box has the contents of a small text file I typed up a while ago, "charsnip.txt", which has some info about my char, some ideas , and a few questions. Make what you will of it.

Also, a couple notes, first off:
I am trying to portray Joseph(the 'Cubi scientist) as sort of crazy, and when he concentrates, he ignores everything else, which is why things happened as they did.
I also figured that my character, who comes from an alternate-Earth, has read enough books that he wouldn't be as surprised by *some* things, and, like me, when confronted by something completely odd, his first reaction is "cool!", and the second is "I wonder who did it, and if I can do it". Also, from reading all those books, he knows that, in a situation that you are trapped in, its best to play along as best you can, until you know you can get out of it(don't try futilely to escape, or fight unless you have been attacked).


Description:


Story:
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RobbieThe1st's Adventures in the land of Furrae.

By RobbieThe1st


Chapter 1:
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Now, the trouble all started when I was fourteen; I was at the age where most men start to really wonder about other universes and such, and most aren't too comfortable with their form at this point.
In retrospect, I figure this is most likely the reason I went with Joseph when he was looking for a volunteer.

Let me explain. I lived at the time on a small ranch out in the country, with an older house, a barn, and trees surrounding our ranch. I had just come home from school one summer's day, and after dropping my backpack in the house and getting something to drink, I headed out the back door and into the woods to cool off. I found a nice tree, a Maple I think it was, and hoisted myself up onto a low branch. After a couple hours, things had started to cool off, and I was thinking about going in for the night, when I heard some crunching noises off to my left. I stopped and listened carefully, and yes, there it was again. It sounded sort of like footsteps, but sounded...odd somehow. I can't quite remember what I was thinking, but I quietly slid off the branch and started carefully working my way towards the footsteps, carefully walking from tree to tree. I stopped behind a large tree, a Fir I believe it was, when the footsteps sounded like they were coming right for me.

Now, as the footsteps came closer, I became worried that whatever was making the noise might find me - as I said, I don't remember quite what I was thinking. Now, hearing the footsteps quite close now, I figured I had better get out of there. Looking around however, I saw that I was in the best hiding place around and I realized I would have to wait it out and hope the person making the footsteps passed me by. I figured this would probably happen, what with all the low hanging branches protecting me from prying eyes.

I had sat down with my back to the tree, and was wondering how long it would take for whoever it was to go past me and then leave. Suddenly the branches were thrust apart, and I was about 3 feet away from the strangest creature I had ever seen. Well, strangest real one, anyway. I was no stranger to the Internet, and had come across all manner of fantasy and science fiction stories, and, as I loved to read, I had read all sorts of things - some good, some not so.

Now, as the creature that appeared before me looked very odd indeed, I was sort of frozen, as it had not moved in any aggressive way. After a few seconds of my brain attempting to figure out what this thing could possibly be, I finally decided it had to be some sort of hologram. It looked somewhat like a anthropomorphized canine, and it had white wings flecked with blue, so I didn't think it could be real. He(as I realized) had gray fur with black specks in it. Now, from my internet experience, I knew that Furries were an odd bunch, and some furry inventor coming up with a hologram generator wouldn't be extremely outlandish. That solved, I still had another two problems: One being what this guy was doing on our property and the second was what to do next. After a few more seconds, I shyly said "Hello."

Now, as I figured that this guy was a human, when he spoke English right back to me, I never gave it a second thought.

He, after a couple more seconds, replied "Hello."
I, realizing that I would have to say something more, said carefully: "Er... Hi! This is our property, and I am curious as to what you are doing here."
"I am an experimenter, and I was testing something out. I am sorry that I trespassed. I will be off now."
I stood up, and after he started walking away, I called after him "Wait"!
He stopped and turned back around, then replied "Yes?"
"Well, I was wondering how you do that, first of all."
"Do what?"
"You know, look like that."
He gave me a half-smile, "Do you really want to know?"
I thought it over. I loved the idea of a hologram generator, and would love to have one myself, or at least know how it worked, so I said "Yes."
"Follow me," he said, and started walking back the way he had come.

I started following him, and, looking at him as he walked, I noticed that he carried himself like a scientist of some sort. I figured that he most likely wasn't going to do something like knock me unconscious and take my money or anything, and as we were heading deeper into the woods, I had no real doubts about following him. Ah, how wrong can you be..

Anyway, after about fifteen minutes of walking, he called back to me "Are you sure you want to know?"
"Yes, definitely."

A few minutes later, we rounded a patch of dense brush, into a clearing, and what I saw amazed me all the more.

In this clearing, I saw the usual stuff you expect to see, you know, trees at the edge and grass and flowers in the center where the light shines down. However, I saw something I most definitely did NOT expect to see: It was a round circle, about eight feet in diameter, and pure black. I, wonderingly, asked him "So, your workshop is right through here?"

"Yup," he replied.
I figured the clearing contained his workshop, covered by a hologram or something.The black thing I decided was in front of the door, so I never expected what came next. In retrospect, I never should have gone through it, however, whats done is done. To this day I still wonder what possessed me to go through it. I figure it must have been a combination of emotion manipulation, making me trust him, and an overwhelming urge to find out how to do something no one else could. Anyway, whatever the reason, I stepped through the circle.

As I stepped through the ring, It felt very very cold for a couple seconds, and just as I was getting worried, everything brightened(and warmed) up.
I came out onto a metal platform, approximately ten feet wide and about four long, about 10 feet off the ground. It had guard rails running the length of it. At the front of it, in the middle was a metal stair down to the ground floor. I was awarded a very nice view of a very large, factory like building. It really looked like a factory, what with all the machinery about, and all of it humming, whirring, or clanking along. And just then I noticed all the people moving about below in tight-fitting overalls appeared to look like the guy I had just met. I started to wonder just what the **** was going on, and, panicking, stepped backwards into the ring - or, more accurately, where the ring had been, as instead of going through the ring, I whacked into the metal wall, and fell down. After standing back up, I looked over at the guy I had just met with my expression a mixture of shock, awe, wonder, and fear.
"You like it?" he asked.
"Um, whats going on here?" I replied.
"Oh, just my small workshop."
"Small??"
"Yes, well, getting test subjects from other dimensions takes a lot of work."
"Oh..Ok..WAIT, other dimensions?"
"Oh yes, you see, people around here aren't too happy when I take people from amongst them to use as my test subjects... and that can be hazardous to my health."
I, obviously, wasn't thinking too straight, and all this was a bit hard to swallow, so I leaned on the railing for a minute.

I heard the clacking of claws on the stairway, and, turning around, watched as he started down. I realized that I had better catch up, as he was the only person I knew around here so I ran after him. As he walked along the ground floor, I asked "Um... 'test subjects'? What type of tests are you doing?"
"Oh, nothing bad, we are just doing some tests on how we can 'Cubify people"
"'Cubify? whats a 'Cubi?"
"Someone like me."
Thinking on that, and wondering what I was going to do, I followed him. He walked to one machine after another, checking the screens on each, moving levers and pressing buttons. I happened to look down, and noticed what appeared to be liquid-metal tentacles were coming out from between his feathers, and going in front of his wings. I couldn't see anything else.
"Um, sir? You seem to have tentacles coming out from your wings..."
"Yes, I do... its not that odd, we all can do it."
Having my question answered that way threw me off balance, and so I walked behind him for a few minutes on autopilot, trying to make sense of the situation.

After a while, we went over to the edge of the building to a door set in the metal wall. He swiped a card he had in a card-reader off to the left, opened the door, and we went inside. I never wondered where he kept his card, and also never noticed that he only had four fingers until much later.

As he walked inside, I looked around and noticed that the ceiling in this building was only about one foot above my head. Also this area had a tile floor, as apposed to the smooth cement floor back in the factory room. I surmised that this must be an add-on building. I then heard the door *click* locked.

After noticing that, I looked around the room for the first time, as the guy was now not blocking my view, and I was worried by what I saw.

Looking around, I saw rows of cages, each approximately six feet wide, and perhaps eight feet deep. I couldn't tell for sure, as I was nearsighted(Well, I still am) and didn't have any glasses with me at the time.
As I looked, I saw the guy walk over to the first cell, and as he neared it, I saw a hideous creature throw itself at the cage door, shaking the building. All I could see was odd patches of bright orange fur, and something that looked sort of like liquid mercury wrapped around the door. I, freaking out, jumped in surprise, then quickly glanced around to make sure there were no cages near me. Fortunately, I was in the middle of the room, more or less. Note that I was running completely on automatic, and wasn't reasoning very well. I probably would have broken down and cried or something, but the fear of that creature coming after me, and having a lot of adrenaline in my blood probably was the reason I did not.
I looked back towards the guy(I still did not know his name at this poing) saw something that made me even more worried. I saw that the guy had a cattle prod like device, which had two prongs glowing blue, and he was jabbing it into the monster. I then realized that said monster was screaming inhuman screams, and I heard whimpers and screaming from all the cages around me. Looking furtively around for a way to get the hell out of there, I noticed a second door. It was on the other side of the room for where we had come in, and, hoping to get out that way, ran over to it, and attempted to open it. It was locked however, and after pounding on it a couple times, realized that I wasn't going anywhere without him. I turned around then, and saw that he had finished zapping the monster, and, key-card in hand, was obliviously walking towards the door I was at. I, sort of shell-shocked, simply waited there at the door, as he walked up and opened it.

After the door had closed, with a *click*, like the last two times, I asked the guy "Wh...What was back there?" pointing to the last room.
"Failed attempts," he answered, as he walked across this room, which, thankfully, did not seem to have cages in it.
I, worried, but not so frightened now that there was a good, solid-seeming door between me and the creature, asked "So, you have me. Now what?"

He walked across the room, footsteps muffled by what appeared to be carpet. I was just about to repeat my question, when he stopped in front of a door, a cheap-looking wood one. Opening the door with the same key-card, he turned around and faced me. He then asked me "Well, now that you are here, you aren't going home until we have finished our test. You now have a choice to make: You can cooperate with us, and stay here, or, if you give us trouble, you will end up in one of those cells. Which is it going to be?"
Shell-shocked, I didn't answer, so he then said "Come on, come on, we don't have all day. Are you going to cooperate or not?"
I am not the fighting sort, at 5' 10" and only 130lbs, so I said "Y...Yes."
He said "Alright then, here is your room. Please do not attempt to escape," and then, after giving me a small push through the open door, he closed the door, which promptly locked.
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I am thinking of having him stay along, cooperating, as he ends up getting turned into a 'Cubi, then ending up escaping, once he learns that the real purpose for this entire thing is to gain cheap soul energy from other realms, as well as get the most out of each test subject.

A note is that my crazy scientist is sort of based on Tapewolf's ideas, however, he doesn't consider killing beings(or lesser anything) wrong, which is why things are happening as they are.



I want all sorts of input, the more detailed, the better. Note that this is my first real creative writing assignment in a long time; I have always been able to wiggle out of it somehow, or write some complete bit of ****... so I don't have much experience in the matter.

I do not know much about the DMFA, but this does a good job as remaining a story in itself.

You did a good job at telling the story in the main characters point of view. Showing his unrestrained curiosity, and also his very technical way of thinking (such as telling the exact dimensions of a room), helped add the personality of the character.

By the way, what is the DMFA all about anyway?

The first 70 comics are one of the major reasons I haven't read it all the way through. It's filled with too much wtf is going on-ness. Entirely too frustrating and amateurish to devote large periods of time to. Add that to the alarmingly frequent comics devoted to sniveling about how bad her art is or how lousy an artist she is and I politely say 'no thanks.'

As for input on the story: Spaces, please! Between paragraphs. It's already hard to read large blocks of text on the computer, if you take away breaks between paragraphs it gets ridiculous. I know it makes for a longer document, but the increase in user-friendliness is so worth it.

There are many very long sentences, to the point of being run-ons:

"Now, as the creature that had appeared before me looked very odd indeed, to my eyes, I was sort of frozen, as it had not moved in any aggressive way."

"After a few seconds of my brain attempting to figure out what this thing could possibly be, I figured it had to be some sort of hologram, as it looked somewhat like a anthropomorphized canine, and he had white wings flecked with blue, so I didn't think it could be real."

"I realized I would have to wait it out and hope the person making the footsteps passed me by without seeing, which I figured would probably happen, what with all the low hanging branches protecting me from prying eyes. "

There are many, many more. Periods are your friends.

Plural of "Furry" is "Furries."

Quit starting paragraphs with 'anyway,' 'now,' and 'I,' please. It shouldn't be noticeable that your paragraphs are all starting the same, aside from the word 'the.' And the word after 'the' shouldn't be the same either.

Cubify... that sounds like being made into a cube. I guess this is out of your hands but it's a grating thought to have my geometry so violently displaced by your work of fiction.

I hope some of that helps and if you have any questions you can ask me. I don't particularly enjoy the subject matter or genre, and first person isn't my favorite narrative style, but fellow writers have to stick together. Good luck.

I am sorry to say that I am not the much of a good at correcting papers :( . It seems that Durandal know what he is talking about. Though, I do not see the big problem with spaces between paragraphs.

I do not think I will begin reading DMFA now. I already spend too much time on the computer, and I do not want another webcomic to get in the way of college. I am one of those people that once they start reading a good book/webcomic/graphic novel I cannot put it down :? .

Realistically, having pride in your accomplishments is many, many times better than whining to gain pity.


As for the revision: Ahh... mental sigh of relief. It's so much better and easier to read with spaces. Sorry Wanderer, it just is.

On the repetitive paragraph starters: I know exactly what that's like. Typing along and suddenly, 'hey! My lexicon is a lot smaller than I remembered it!' O.o 'oh yeah... it's 2:00 in the morning.' ^.^;


I have something else to bring before you though:

"Hello.".

There are several dialog constructs of this nature, and they are incorrect. Allow me to point you to a wonderful, absolutely wonderful resource on dA about punctuating dialog: http://wordcount.deviantart.com/art/Pun ... e-73936110

This article is immensely helpful, and I recommend you (and any starting writers) read it before writing another part of a conversation. It'll help, trust me.


I'm sorry I'm not really commenting on the subject and more on the way you present it. The content is important too, so hopefully someone can help you with that.