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 Post subject: A Hole in the Ground (Requiem FINISHED as of Sunday)
PostPosted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 10:39 pm 
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traveler
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Posts: 20
Hello, welcome to my writing stuff. I have written a lot a poetry, which I like to think is above the angsty teen standard. Here's the poem the name for this thread comes from

My Own Personal Hole in the Ground

I sit in a pit
Of unspeakable black
With no way to go
Either forward or back.

I shout, "let me out"
As the people walk by,
But the wall is too tall
For my pitiful cry.

I sink in a drink
of a murky black hue;
I'll drown underground
In this unholy goo.

I need to be freed
from my prison of muck,
But it's true, sure as glue
I am thoroughly stuck.

You now ask me how
I was trapped in this place
with these flies in my eyes
and this mud on my face?

Please let me ease
Your inquisitive mind;
I created my state
With this shovel, you'll find.

Here's some free verse.

Undarkness

The moon has gone.
Clouds fill the sky.
Darkness should crush our city.
Yet, there is no such thing
As darkness.
The clouds reflect the streetlights
And we bathe in recycled brilliance,
Washed in the glow
Of an eerie red sky.
The world is strange
On this night.
Not dark, but not bright either.
It’s hard to believe in anything
On such a night.
Nothing is solid, nothing is real.
Do you stay indoors?
Or do you go out to walk
Amid the wonders and horrors
Of Undarkness.

Here's one I really like

Day and Night

Knife of dawn for all our sakes
Come cut the night the shadow makes
And clean the wounds of our mistakes
Before the morning breaks.

Raise your hands to greet the dawn,
Forget the night; the memory’s gone;
Daylight’s footsteps marching on,
The moon is far outshone.

Dance of spheres unyielding to
Such silly things as me and you;
Though now the sky is clear and blue
The darkness is soon due.

Greet the night with boundless fright
And chase the sunset’s failing light;
Flee the dark; the cold will bite,
This happens every night.


Some school assignment asked me 'Who are you and why should someone care what you have to say?' Naturally I leapt into action and wrote this.

Student of Incomplete Wisdom

I am a student of incomplete wisdom.
I am a sailor on oceans of light.
I am a dreamer adrift in the heavens.
I am a star in the brilliance of night.

I am a walker on paths well established.
I am a map-maker sitting at home.
I am a gazer who sees from a distance.
I am preceded wherever I roam.

I am a spinner of shadows; a weaver.
I am a wordsmith; a forger of truth.
I’m a magician, a worker of wonders.
I’m an apprentice, an untested youth.

I am a wanderer far from the city.
I am alone in the midst of the crowd.
I am a silence when thunder is crashing.
I am a voice in the silence, unbound.

I am a nothing; all vacant and empty.
I could be everything, boundless and full.
I have a dream of a future that’s gleaming.
I am in dread of one listless and dull.

I am no more and no less than a person.
I am a song that deserves to be known.
I am a poet; my words hold a power.
I will have strength and speak out on my own.


And finally, I give you a poem that actively attempts to make the reader nauseous.

Spinning Around

I’m stuck and I’m spinning.
This ride is grueling,
But it’s still speeding;
It’s never ceasing
And still increasing,
Each new turn’s bringing
More speed as it spins.

Defiant, I’m finding
That all this whirling
Is so soul sapping.
My eyes are burning
From so much turning;
Means no more seeing
To help me to find.

Ongoing not slowing
I know I’m showing
That my fear’s growing.
At last the grinding
And the unbinding;
Freed from my fearing
I think now I’ll go.

If you liked those there are more at my deviantArt page.and also some mediocre artwork. I have some prose as well, but the one I would post is sixteen pages long, depressing and completely devoid of talking animal-people, so I don't think you people would like it much.

...apparently I'm not trusted to not be a bot yet, so my deviant art is white-curtains if you want to look it up.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 12:36 am 
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Master
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Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2008 10:32 pm
Posts: 341
Location: *******... WHUT? DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND AMERICAN?
Wow, a PW... Never thought Id see the day... Good job I guess, but Spinning Around? Weak... Need be grapic!
Seriously, I dont know anyone prone to that. (Well they ARE combat trained and two of em do something that would make anyone blow chunks...)

As for bot, did you post in newb board? I think you shouldnt not do it... (Lets see a bot cal dual neggies! (If he is bot, no point typing so it can read without)human check-up)


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 12:42 am 
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Grand Templar
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Posts: 1489
Location: Singapore, which contrary to popular belief is not actually part of China.
Wow. You've got talent there. Some of the poems ('My Own Personal Hole in the Ground' , 'Student of Incomplete Wisdom' and 'Spinning Around') are pure gold, the others pale in comparison. You've definitely got the wit and skill to pull a successful poem off, but now you need to focus on things like your imagery and experiment with rhyme schemes and stanzas.

'Student of Incomplete Wisdom' is my personal favourite, although there were things I would have changed.

[edit] What kind of bot would post poetry and link to a deviantart page?


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 12:44 am 
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The Inkwell Coyote
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Location: 44°39'54"N 90°10'33"W
I tried to write poetry once, but people threw things at me. I was one of those people, :)

I enjoyed the second one the most simply for the repetition of statement of existence. I am, I am, I have, I will, etc etc... simple things amuse me, kudos. I write fiction rather than poetry, so my expertise for anything other than prose is third-rate at best, :)


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 12:50 am 
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Templar Inner Circle
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Posts: 2522
Location: The Ruins of Sturmhalten
My frothing hatred for poetry not withstanding, these are pretty good. I prefer prose, but you know what? You've got some talent.

of course it's still poetry...


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 12:51 am 
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Grand Templar
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Location: Singapore, which contrary to popular belief is not actually part of China.
I think Fastchapter means the second last one. I've got a sneaky suspicion he was reading the post backwards from the reply screen.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 12:54 am 
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The Inkwell Coyote
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Location: 44°39'54"N 90°10'33"W
I'm an English major. I don't care for your fancy numerals and decimals.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 9:08 am 
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Grand Templar
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Location: Singapore, which contrary to popular belief is not actually part of China.
fastchapter wrote:
I'm an English major. I don't care for your fancy numerals and decimals.


As a... Maths major, I don't give a decimal about your fancy words and letters. Have at you, good sir! *brandishes calculator*

Is not really a Maths major, in case you're too thick to realize.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 5:52 pm 
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traveler
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Posts: 20
Flying Cats or Ion or whatever I'm supposed to call you: what do you mean by PW? Also, bot cal dual neggies? You sound like you're speaking some other language. And incidentally I didn't not post there.

Fatalcrash: I try my best--weird rhyme schemes and formats are hard. It's always tempting to spend about ten minutes on a free verse poem rather than a few hours tinkering with rhymes and metre. I'll work on imagery; I know I'm weak there.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 8:58 pm 
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Grand Templar
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Posts: 1489
Location: Singapore, which contrary to popular belief is not actually part of China.
Okay, the itch is getting to me. I must post this.

'Student of Incomplete Wisdom', 5th stanza. 'Full' and 'Dull' don't even half-rhyme.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 9:09 pm 
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traveler
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Posts: 20
Huh? I rhymed 'drown' with 'underground' and, worse, 'crowd' with 'unbound' and you're complaining about the difference between a ŭ and a ʊ? I don't know about you, but the way I pronounce those sounds you can barely tell the difference.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 9:09 pm 
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Master
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Location: *******... WHUT? DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND AMERICAN?
Alias Pseudonym wrote:
Flying Cats or Ion or whatever I'm supposed to call you: what do you mean by PW? Also, bot cal dual neggies? You sound like you're speaking some other language. And incidentally I didn't not post there.


Just talking jargon jic you were a bot.

Nevar.
Trust.
"Unknowns".


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 11:18 pm 
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Grand Templar
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Joined: Wed Feb 21, 2007 6:23 am
Posts: 1489
Location: Singapore, which contrary to popular belief is not actually part of China.
Alias Pseudonym wrote:
Huh? I rhymed 'drown' with 'underground' and, worse, 'crowd' with 'unbound' and you're complaining about the difference between a ŭ and a ʊ? I don't know about you, but the way I pronounce those sounds you can barely tell the difference.
Those are both half rhymes, whereas I can't even begin to imagine how you pronounce 'dull' and 'full' to make them sound familiar. Maybe it's because you place the stress on the 'l', instead of how I tend to take the word as a whole when rhyming.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 11:55 pm 
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The Inkwell Coyote
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Location: 44°39'54"N 90°10'33"W
Fatalcrash wrote:
fastchapter wrote:
I'm an English major. I don't care for your fancy numerals and decimals.


As a... Maths major, I don't give a decimal about your fancy words and letters. Have at you, good sir! *brandishes calculator*

Is not really a Maths major, in case you're too thick to realize.


Without English, your calculator would be labeled in French. And then it wouldn't bother to do calculations for you because it has better things to do with its time.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 12:20 am 
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Citizen

Joined: Tue Mar 18, 2008 7:44 am
Posts: 77
fastchapter wrote:
Fatalcrash wrote:
fastchapter wrote:
I'm an English major. I don't care for your fancy numerals and decimals.


As a... Maths major, I don't give a decimal about your fancy words and letters. Have at you, good sir! *brandishes calculator*

Is not really a Maths major, in case you're too thick to realize.


Without English, your calculator would be labeled in French. And then it wouldn't bother to do calculations for you because it has better things to do with its time.


Actually, math is the same in french. It's still called sin, cos etc and all the signs are the same (from the greek alphabet) :p That's why Math and Science are so great. We can actually apply it to everything!


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