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How it started. Yes, let's begin from the beginning.
My name is Seth D. Gillian, I'm a Belgian student in Antwerp.
I was fifteen years old when it happened. Firstly, before it happened,
I was the average student with average grades and some friends.
I'm still trying to find out if this was a good or bad turn of events. Listen to my story...or better to say, read my story and judge for yourself.


.........
-12th October 2012-

I stood up to the ringing of my alarm clock, had breakfast and brushed my teeth. The average morning on the average day I guess. I waved my aunt goodbye and left for school. It's a public school about 2 blocks from where I live. Walking into the gate, I greeted my friends and we talked about our classes for today.

On the left there was Emma, a girl with a tough character. Her favourite hobby is kickboxing and her practice target is usually me. She's average size I guess, her big dark brown eyes and copper short hair finish her cute look. Quite misleading.

On the right, Vanya. He's pretty shy and fragile, preferring sports of the mind. He helps me with my homework and I help him talk to people. The perfect system.
He's tall, thin and has long dark hair and grey-green eyes.

They're fifteen along with me and have been with me for years. Me?
I'm quiet average in size, dark brown hair and blue eyes. I've got a piercing in my left ear and a scar across my face from an accident during a fencing match. Oww yeah I fence by the way. Anyways..

The day was normal un till we heard the fire alarm go off the fifth hour.
The teacher looked surprise and stood up and grabbed his coat. "This isn't a drill, walk orderly in lines towards the nearest exit, down the hall left."
The students walked accordingly and gossiped like a fisherman's wife.

"I wonder if this really isn't a drill" I asked and Emma answered short after. "It's probably a drill Seth, they just want us to think it's real."
I looked at Vanya and he simply raised his shoulders. When we got outside we were surprised. Huge amounts of black smoke was rising out of the gym. "The gym? No class has P.E. right now, the P.E. teacher has already left for home." Emma said with her 'thinking' face. "Yea it's weird..CRAP!" "What" Emma asked surprised, Vanya turned around to see what was the matter. "My wallet, it's in my coat. Someone will probably steal it if I leave it alone!"

"Seth, don't be stupid! If you go now.." I didn't really listen and just ran towards the building, the teachers were too busy with crowd control to notice me. I walked into the hallways, sure the fire didn't already spread there. It didn't. But...

I was almost there, one more turn, I sighed and prayed that my wallet was safe, I worked all weekend to get that amount of money you know!
Anyways, I was suddenly surprised to fell down on my back and grunted in pain. It was then i probably noticed someone run into to me. My eyes adjusted and I was staring into eyes of another person. A girl, she had shoulder cut silver hair and strangely enough yellow eyes, and the pupils looked really weird, I was practically drowning in them.

She ignored me stood up and walked a few paces from the way I came and stopped. She turned an walked back. I wanted to apologize but I was suddenly lifted by my colour by her, she lifted me high with one arm. "You. The location of your house." I was still shocked of the girl's strength when Emma walked in the picture. "Hey you! Leave my weak friend alone!" ..She actually said that. But the girl holding the handsome lad wasn't paying attention to the tough girl, which pissed her off.

She charged in, raised her fist and was suddenly shocked when the girl holding me planted her foot in her stomach. The speed was amazing, I didn't even see it happen. I called out to Emma as she fell knocked out.
And then another dynamic entry. Windows broke as several armed men jumped in and raised their guns against the girl and me.

By this time I was almost crapping my pants in fear. What the hell was happening? I thought to myself. Then the toughest looking in the bunch opened his mouth. "Amaya, come back with us. You can't keep running, face the facts." The girl finally released me and I regained balance.

She finally spoke again after some silence., I now noticed the softness in her voice.
"I can't. It isn't just. I won't go back there, and will terminate anything connecting me and that place." Then I saw something rolling followed by a flash of light, one of the armed men had thrown a flash bang. I crawled blind on the floor as I heard gunfire and screaming.

I regained my vision, I was in front of my coat, I reached into my pockets and put my wallet back in my wallet, relieved I turned my head to see what had happened. The armed men all dead. Amaya was standing in their middle. They looked as if something had cut them apart.

"What..ohh." I fainted, yes I fainted. What did you expect? That was really scary! But when I woke up, I was in my room to my surprise. Amaya was on her knees un top of me, something sharp pointing at me, connecting to her wrist. 'A blade coming out of her wrist?! What is she!' Were my thoughts at the time. "I searched my GPS for the address on your ID card. I will hide in here and you will not complain, If I notice any irregularity in your behaviour, I will dispose of you with force. Am I clear?" I swallowed and nodded slowly. This girl had a cold face and after what she did to those men and I'd better believe it.

She crawled of me and stood up. She had changed what she was wearing before, she had a black t-shirt with an eagle and a wolf on it and a blue jeans. I then noticed I had the same clothing in my closet. "Why are you wearing my clothes..and what did you to with Emma." She stared at me as
my t-shirt lowered a little, it was a bit big. "I placed that girl in a safe place. I'm sure she won't remember anything or if anyone would believe her. I'm quiet tired and worn down." I scratched my hair and nodded, "You can have the bed." "I don't need a bed. What I need is.."
She walked over to a socket out let and sat down in front of it. She placed her left hand against the outlet and closed her eyes. I just wanted to go to bed and ask it tomorrow..and so I did.

End First day.

Hmm...a science fiction eh interesting...

I just have a few comments about it. I think it would be better if you explained the setting more. I am having a hard to time to picture where events took place.
Also, in some areas, the writing was very techicnical and to the point. Try to describe things a little bit more give it a little more..."fluff."

However, this mostly took place in the beginning. Toward the end, I like it alot more.

darnit E.W you beat me to the post again! oh well i like a little bit and i cant see anything but besides what E.W has already mentioned. (although i generely don't like science fiction)

Nice. I like it. Just one question though. Do you think can manage two stories? Hope you can. Well until the next time I post here, which won't be very soon, keep up the work.

What the hell are dumps?

While I still dislike the characters in both of your stories, I'm willing to say that this story is interesting enough. The plot is rather weak, and your language is still kind of bad [though not as bad as before], but you haven't lost me yet.

Seriously though, what the hell are dumps?

Whoops should've gone through a grammar check there XD

I tried to write in the Main Character perspective though this proves to be difficult to get a feel your inside the story.

From now one I'll just write the story without Seth's comment on everything.
Though what do you think about it?
And I know my english isn't the best there is X X
I'm gonna edit the thumbs part, yes it should be thumbs, I don't know how I came with dump.
I'm gonna change it..but I'll do my best to explain the characters a little more, though Vanya is difficult since he's the silent type.
Anyway..A lot more explaining about the mystery girl will come in.

Is the plot that weak DX? I tried my best to make it a little believeable.
Guy goes back for wallet and finds strange girl that kills a .... okay, I see your point. But it should be acceptable :p

This will be different then the high fantasy Mirku story, and hopefully atleast as good.

Hmm..I'm gonna continue writing from Seth's point of view, un til we reach the point where he started writing, it won't be too long from now.

-13th October 2012-

Do you know why most people used to be so sure the number thirteen meant bad news? I don't, but I'm starting to believe they were right.

So I embraced those seconds of ignorance as I woke up in my bed, my eyes slowly adjusted to the sight of Amaya, standing over my bed. "AHHH!!! What the hell do you think you're doing?!" "It only takes five hours to charge up, I've been waiting for you to wake up." I placed my hand on my chest and tried to calm down. I remembered yesterday and now wanted to ask the questions of which the answers should reveal the truth about Amaya.

"Umm..Amaya, what exactly are you?" She just stared at me for a while with her big yellow eyes. I think she was considering telling me, but.. "Information classified." "Okay then, who are the people after you?" "Information classified." I sighed deeply as I realised I wouldn't be getting any answers today. "It's good my aunt left on holiday with her book club yesterday, so it'll be easy keeping you a secret, I'm going to have breakfast..do you eat?"

She remained silent but followed me to the kitchen, she helped prepare breakfast, bacon and eggs. I had this nervous feeling she kept staring at me as we ate. When I had cleaned up and about to leave she stopped me.
"I'm going with you to make sure you don't give any information about me to other's." I tried to reason with her, "But you don't even have proper clothes! Mine are to big and those you were wearing are covered in blood!" She stared at me again as she was thinking quietly in her self. "Okay, today I will take the risk, but you'll have to buy me clothes." She took pen and paper. "These are my sizes. Get something that won't draw attention to me. Do you understand what I am saying?" I nodded and left for school.

It was the same at school, the silent greeting of Vanya and the punch on the shoulder of Emma, who didn't seem to remember a thing about yesterday. It's for the best. We went over to the new building for our English class. Our school has a stone 'playground' and two buildings, it's also surrounded by metal bars, since this was first a prison, but got rebuild in..like the 80's or something. It sure feel like a prison. Anyway, moving on...the day was normal, on my way home I remembered I had to buy her clothing. For a man it's a scary experience, buying women clothing. The stares, the glares, the smell of the store. After bravely charging in, taking what ever I saw other girls wearing at school, to increase the 'blend ' factor.

When I she was waiting for me. "That took long." "Don't think I enjoy it that much." I said handing her over the bag with her clothing. "You can go upstairs an-..." I stopped talking as she started changing in front of me. I turned around with a red face. "Upstairs! You have to change upstairs!" "Why?" "Because you have to!" "I'm already finished, you can turn around now Seth." I turned around and looked at her, she was quiet cute when not covered in blood and having a knife sticking out of her wrist.

"What? Why are you staring?" "Ohh..nothing. So what are you going to do?" "I'll remain safe inside the house, I'm only going to follow you to make sure my presence remains hidden to them." If this was anime I would have a sweat drop the size of a skyscraper coming out of my head.

So I made my homework as she sat in front of me. "You can get a drink if you'd like to." She had her thinking stare again and went and got herself a drink. I should've asked her to bring me one too. Eventually I confronted her with what I thought would be a problem, "If your going to school, I think many people will figure you out. You don't behave very human like. Though you still won't tell me what you exactly are." Amaya swiped her hand through her hair and sighed. It was the first time I saw her doing normal. "Don't worry, Seth. I'm able to socialize with people in a friendly manner when necessary."

I just nodded my head in agreement and continued my homework. When I was done I put on the TV. and Amaya came sitting next to me. "Umm..anything you want to watch?" She just turned her head slightly to the right and then to the left. Her long silver hair moved gently as she shook her head. "Then I'm taking out a DVD." I picked the casual comedy movie and we watched together un till it was time for bed. Not once did she laugh.

We went upstairs, but before I went into my room she tapped my back. "My parts are charged up, I require a bed for sleeping." I sighed deeply and let her have my bed as I prepared the couch.

---------------
End of Day.

You mean the first person viewpoint. It's used to give a better understanding of a character by his actions and [especially] thoughts.



Bad idea. That's not what I meant at all.



Haven't I already voiced my opinion? I know I might come off as critical, but that's only because really am being critical.



That's the thing. Your characters are very run of the mill. The stereotypical strong, independent butt-kicking girl, the cool, silent member of the group, a chatty scatterbrain overdosed on caffeine, a mysterious stranger who pops up out of nowhere who wouldn't be a single bit out of place in noir-land wearing a trench coat... They've got neither depth nor surprise to them.


Believability is not an issue. The story, like your characters, seems to have been pressed out a broken plot-o-matic. But I'm willing to wait and see if it improves before giving up on it.

Ugh...This is harder then I thought ">>
But I'll do my best to improve and if you still think it doesn't interest you then stop reading. Hmm..I need more inspiration..with Mirku it's easy because I created the character years ago. Sigh.