Twokinds ARCHIVE Forums

This is something I've been working over in my head for a good while now, but it's taken me forever to put pen to paper... er... fingers to keys...?
Moving on, here it is.
Please, feel free to criticize.
Fair warning though, there isn't a whole ton of dialog and there are quite a few things that wont make immediate sense to most readers, but will be revealed in later chapters, so bear with me here.


Chapter ø
Preparations

James shivered, unable to warm himself in the shadows of the night. The cold stone of the roof he stood on was slick with rain water, but moving over treacherous surfaces was nothing new to James. The full moon cast a dull blue tinge over the rooftops, and there were a handful of small windows still exuding what little light could be offered by a small candle or lamp, but the night wasn't near bright enough to see anything with any real clarity. Arms folded across his chest, James watched his breaths turn into mist in front of him, and shook his head quickly to dislodge the thin blonde hair which had become heavy with water, and had stuck itself fast on his forehead.

A frigid gust threatened to topple James, who cursed under his breath, "Why in the rain? Why does it always have to be in the rain?"

James saw the metallic glint of a blade out of the corner of his eye and his gaze immediately snapped in the direction of the flash. Uncrossing his arms, James moved smoothly across the rooftop, ever weary of his footing, and prepared to jump to the house on which sat his target. With barely a noise, he had quickly cleared the gap and regained his balance, drawing the broad knife from the sheath across the small of his back. Silently. James crept towards his target, who was silhouetted against the night. The target was sitting cross-legged on a small plateau of the roof, a support beam, facing away from James. The moonlight cast a faint blue light on the target's own blonde hair and silvered shoulder pads. Almost too easy, thought James as he drew near, perfectly focused on his target.

Without warning, there was a tremor in the building they were on and James' soft leather boots slipped off of the slick ridge running the length of the roof. As the tiles of the roof rushed to meet his face, James felt something heavy strike him in the chest, knocking him on his back and leaving him breathless. Blade still in hand, he glanced down to see an armored fist on his chest, grabbing his grey wool shirt. The fist was pinning him down, but also keeping him from sliding down the roof and falling the two stories to the ground. He looked up at the target, who was still looking away from James, intently watching something in the streets.

James reached above his head and grabbed the ridge, feeling the icy cold stone in his grip, "That's cheating, Chris. I thought you said that you can't use magic. It's against the rules of the game, anyways," James mumbled, pulling himself up and removing his brother's gauntlet from his shirt.

As James stood again, using his brother to keep him balanced, he heard Chris speak in his usual, unnervingly calm manner, "You're right, I don't know how to use magic."

Chris pointed to the courtyard in front of the house, where James could just barely make out a small form moving on the cobblestone of a small courtyard in front of the house they sat on. A shout in the distance drew their attention to a pair of guardsmen advancing towards the courtyard, fully armored and armed. James leaned towards his brother's ear.

"That's her?" he whispered urgently, "That's Gaia's Avatar?"

"It would seem so, but Gaia has already released her, and she is weak."

James stepped back, and drew a blade in his second hand, "Then we should collect her now. I'm getting tired of this rain."

"No," said Chris quietly, "looks can be deceiving, especially with former Avatars. We will see what she does with these guards first."

James looked back to the courtyard, where the figure, female judging by the long hair, had stopped moving, and was now facing the advancing guards. The Avatar extended her arm towards her pursuers and began moving her fingers in intricate patterns, each finger leaving a faintly glowing trail after it. The girl was a rune-caster, rare even for an Avatar. By harnessing the energies of the earth-mother, Gaia, even an exhausted rune-caster could be a deadly adversary. However, not even rune-casters could keep themselves from tiring, and this one was at the end of her strength. James grabbed the collar of his brother's shirt and braced himself as the Avatar pushed her hand through the glowing rune, breaking the seal and releasing the magic.

Again the ground shook, almost throwing James off the roof again, which would be regrettable, to say the least. It was then he saw why the ground was shaking; massive spikes of stone had rammed themselves out of the ground in front of the girl, tearing up the cobblestones and displacing a great deal of dirt as they emerged. The spikes were pointing towards the two guardsmen who were heading down the side road toward the courtyard, completely unaware of what was about to happen. More stone spikes emerged from the ground, each one closer to the guards than the last, forming a rough, but nonetheless impressive, line. By the time the guards had realized what was happening, it was too late for them. Neither scream nor yell escaped their lips before they had been impaled by the earthen spears. Clearly too weak to stay standing, or even conscious, the Avatar collapsed to the ground and curled up into a ball with her face buried in her knees, shivering uncontrollably.

James leaned forward again, "Now?" he asked his brother impatiently.

"You go collect her," Chris replied, no longer whispering, "I'll head back and warn Thom that we're going to need an anti-magic ward set up; a very powerful anti-magic ward."

Sighing inwardly, James let go of his brother's collar and carefully moved down the roof to one of the corners as his brother darted swiftly over the roof towards the hidden entryway into the city. Once he reached the corner, James grabbed the hardwood corner beam where it jutted out from the walls of the building and began his slow descent to the ground. As boys, Chris had always been stronger and faster than him, but James was better coordinated and much more dexterous, allowing him to climb to places where no one could easily reach him, and where he had often contemplated the loss of their mother. But those days were gone now, and he had already decided what to do with his life. James and Chris had both resolved to make Kajaal Hope pay for what he had done to their mother, and the price would be steep. Too steep to pay with anything but his own life.

But, in order to have any hope of reaching, let alone defeating Kajaal, who had obtained the throne of the previous King through nothing short of the murder of his father and the entire council, they would need the power of this rune-caster, and quite possibly more. He had often been told that he was foolish for even trying; that to unseat the most powerful magician in the world's history was to achieve the impossible. But James had always ignored them, because no matter how powerful Hope was, he was still just a man, and all men could be brought to their knees.

James ran to where the Avatar had fallen and reached down to pick her up, but paused momentarily. The girl couldn't have been more than ten or eleven years old; little more than a child. When James picked her up, the Avatar grabbed his shirt and pulled herself closer, instinctively seeking the warmth of his body. Moving quickly, his boots splashing through the mud and water in the alleyways, James headed towards the hidden passage near the city's wall. The guards would probably find his footprints and the passageway, but it didn't matter anymore; they had what they had been coming to the city for over the last month, and soon, they would finally be ready to move against Kajaal.

I'm guessing Avatars are people used by certain gods or beings as their representative.

You've got everything done right; this is easily one of the better stories here.

The lack of dialog isn't bad in any way, it suits the scene and keeps the flow going. In fact, flow is probably one thing your story excels in. There are no jarring points in the words with the exception of a few very minor hiccups.

Your characters have personalities I can make out even in such a short work, and there is enough happening for me to be engaged. The only thing that I can point out that is anything close to bad is the relative simplicity of the plot, which at this point of time seems familiar. I'll have to wait and read more before I can be sure, though.

Nice job on the story.

You description is very good. Do not worry about the lack of dialog. Given that this chapter resloved around on alot of stealth, having stealthy characters talk a lot would not make much sense. Though of course there is always "noisy stealth."

Wow, you've done an incredible job here Sable.

The best parts of the piece are definitely the descriptions, which breathe life into the scene you're trying to convey.

Can't wait to read what you put up next!

Thanks for the support everyone, I'm glad you liked it.

Hah! "noisy stealth"
"Ninja-style super stealth attack!"
*Everyone looks over*
"Ah crap."

Chapter 1 is well underway, and I should have it ready to post very soon.
It doesn't explain much either (that's what chapter 2 is for), but it does introduce one of the principal protagonists.

And you're partially correct about Avatars, Fatal; I'll be explaining them in much greater detail in chapter 2.

Chapter 1
Morose Freedom

A soft orange glow flooded in through the window of the small farmhouse, casting the shadow of a bird resting on the window sill across the mottled stone wall. The once roaring fire below the intricately carved mantle had long since been reduced to glowing embers, but it still provided comforting heat for Hakuro. The fire was unnecessary for Hakuro, since his fur was more than enough to keep him warm, but lying in front of the fire was the most secure he had felt in his entire life.

A tap on the ground made Hakuro open his eyes, squinting on account of the sunlight pouring into the room. A pair of boots were planted near his head, and the butt end of a pitchfork rested between Hakuro and the man. Stumbling as he stood, Hakuro tried, unsuccessfully, to tidy his short black hair, which ran seamlessly into the black fur on his back, shoulders, and hips. Trying to clean the dirt out of his white fur would have proven futile, so he didn't bother.

The man spoke in a gruff voice, "Kuro, I need you to help Nathan in the barn, then bring some more firewood in for tonight."

Hakuro bowed his head, and replied meekly, "Yes, master Hansho."

In all of the years he had served the master, Hakuro had not once heard him say more than two sentences at once; at least, not to Hakuro. Until recently, the master had helped a great deal with the daily chores, but his working on the farm had taken their toll on him, and the master rarely did any of the physically demanding chores anymore. Hakuro felt a little bit sorry for his master, but not much. He supposed it could have been worse if he had been bought by a cruel master, but being forced to work against his will didn't quite make Hakuro any happier about his situation.

Taking the pitchfork offered by Master Hansho, whose eyes seemed to be locked in a perpetual glare, Hakuro turned and walked quickly towards the door, glancing once at the bird on the sill. The red and black bird stood motionless, but the detail was such that it almost looked ready to up and fly away. He'd been overjoyed when the master's wife had decided to paint one of his carvings; she even tried to teach him how, but he had never quite managed it. Somehow, her approval made him happy enough to forget about the spirit harrowing toil that was his life. Hakuro would gladly suffer endless torment, if only to gain her approval.

"Ha!" He laughed at the irony of his own thoughts as he walked towards the doors of the barn, "I'm already doing that without a choice."

Nathan came out of the barn, heading straight towards him, "Talking to yourself, hm? Maybe we should just put you down; what good is a crazy animal anyways?" Nathan started chuckling at his own joke, but stopped suddenly, glaring at Hakuro. "Hold still."

Hakuro watched in terror as Nathan tightened his hand into a fist at his side, "Please, Nathan, Don't," he pleaded, but he knew that it wouldn't stop Nathan. Hakuro knew that he should be running, or fighting back, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't disobey a direct order from his masters, or cause them harm in any way. Such was the nature of the control spells put on all slaves like himself.

Nathan pulled his fist back and swung at Hakuro's face, a look of hatred frozen on his own. The blow sent Hakuro flying as Nathan stumbled to regain his balance. Hakuro heard a yell from behind him as he crashed into the ground; barely audible over the ringing in his ears. When Hakuro finally managed to stagger to his feet, he saw that Nathan had already closed the gap and was about to strike him again. His body moved on instinct, and Hakuro felt something soft and warm tear under his claws.

Staring at the freshly bloodied hand that adorned his arm, Hakuro just barely registered Nathan's screams of pain in the back of his mind. Hakuro couldn't accept that the hand was his own; the control spell would have stopped him from trying to hurt any of his masters. Hot blood rushed into Hakuro's mouth when he coughed, and he fell to his hands and knees. Violently spitting out the blood in order to take a breath, Hakuro collapsed, taking a single breath that burned in his chest before he passed out.

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The straw mattress under Hakuro and the woolen blanket that was pulled tightly over him led Hakuro to think he was dreaming, but that thought left his mind when he turned his head, and a searing fire ignited in the side of his face making him whimper in pain. Hakuro opened his eyes to see where he was, but his left eye had gone completely blind and his right eye refused to focus properly on anything. He began to worry hysterically; if he couldn't see well enough to work, the master might decide to put him down, just like Nathan had said. Hakuro had begun to cry, when someone sat on the bed beside him.

The mistress' lyrical voice calmed him as she spoke, "Hush now, everything is going to be okay, Hakuro."

"But... Nathan -" Hakuro struggled to voice without opening his mouth wide enough to hurt himself.

"- Got a lesson he sorely needed, though I'm not sure that he'll keep anything from it." She dabbed at his face with a damp rag, trying valiantly to clean the blood out of his fur without hurting him, but every time the rag touched his face, it felt like he was being slapped. "He's gone to the city to find himself a proper healer; you gave him a pretty deep wound."

Seeing that she couldn't possibly get all of the blood and dirt out, she stood up and ran her fingers through his hair before leaving to see to the cooking. Without her nearby, Hakuro once again found a heavy depression sinking it's tendrils down to his core, suffocating him. He wished she would come back and just sit with him for a while, but wishful thinking had never worked for him before. Hakuro closed his eyes and tried to sleep and forget his worries, but he found himself unable to rest.

Unaware of the passing hours as he lay brooding, Hakuro's attention was taken by several loud bangs on the house's door, followed by some muffled yelling. Sitting slowly, he slid off the lumpy mattress and stood with his hand on it for support, noticing that the fur on his hand was a clean white once again. Hakuro hear the door slam open and twisted his head quickly to see what had happened, which was a bad idea both because he could barely see enough to pick out more than general shapes, and because doing so reminded him of his injury in a very agonizing manner.

One of the two strangers who had burst into the small house spoke in a loud, forceful voice, "You are hereby under arrest for the harboring of an unbound, half-Kemhuri slave, and you are to proceed to the office of the Magistrate under our guard to receive your punish-"

"Why don't we just do it here?" interrupted the second stranger, who was much smaller than his companion, "The penalty is death anyways. We'd be saving ourselves and the Magistrate a lot of trouble." He drew something from his belt and Hakuro heard the mistress scream in terror. The master stepped in front of his wife, brandishing the heavy, stone hammer he had often used to fix the farm tools when they broke. The master had never spoken very much to Hakuro, but his actions had always spoken so much clearer.

In a flash, the larger stranger drew his own weapon and struck down the master with a single blow. Hakuro's mistress tried to run from them, but the smaller stranger unslung the thing on his back and pointed it at her. Hakuro heard the snap of a bowstring and the mistress fell to the ground, landing on her hands and knees and tearing her plain dress. Then, her arms gave out and her body slumped to the floor, lifeless.

Hakuro howled viciously, partially in rage at the murderers, but mostly in anguish over the loss of what little family he had ever had. His howl drew the attention of the strangers, who hadn't seemed to even notice him before, and the small one immediately began to crank something on his device. Panicked, Hakuro glanced around the room looking for a suitable way to escape and settled on the small window to his right as his only chance. The larger stranger must have noticed as well, because he began moving toward the window to cut him off, but the window was closer to Hakuro and he was much faster than the stranger, despite his injuries.

Once he was outside the window, Hakuro ran as fast as he could, ignoring the blinding pain in his face as well as the jagged rocks he occasionally stepped on. He heard another bowstring snap and moments later Hakuro felt something pierce his arm and lodge itself in the bone. He barely felt the pain, he was so intent on finding a way to escape. Judging by the light of the sun, it was either sunrise, which would almost certainly spell doom for him, or it was nightfall, meaning Hakuro had a chance of evading the strangers, if only for the night.

Hakuro ran through one of the glades that he had gathered firewood in before, stopping occasionally to catch his breath; he had been running for what had to have been hours, well into the dead of night. He stopped under a massive, barren tree and sat down to rest in one of the many nooks made by the intertwined roots; hopefully, he'd be safe here. As his eyes grew tired and Hakuro began to slip into unconsciousness, he hear a pair of voices in the forest heading towards him. His body was too exhausted to move, and Hakuro was completely drained. There was no way to get away from his pursuers; it was just a matter of time now.

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Nathan sat on the fancy bed in the huge guest-room he had been offered for his stay, fingering the trio of fresh scars across the left side of his face; the cuts were too deep for the healer to fix without leaving them. He should have heard something by now, and anything would be better than nothing. An unexpected rap on the intricately carved double doors leading into the room startled him.

"Come in," said Nathan curtly as he stood and straightened his dusty shirt.

A tall man with shortly cropped, black hair stepped into the room, wearing the the most pristine clothing Nathan had ever seen. When Nathan realized who it was, he began to bow, but the man waved one of his hands and shook his head.

"I've never really cared for the whole bowing custom," said the man softly, pausing momentarily, "especially when I must deliver bad news."

Nathan felt his heart sink, "B- bad news, Lord Hope?" He stuttered.

"It appears that my men were to late too stop the half-breed," Hope placed his hand on Nathan's shoulder, "I'm afraid your family wasn't spared by it's rampage." Nathan stormed from the room with a twisted grimace of rage on his face, his boots clapping on the polished stone floors of the palace.

Hope leaned into the hall and called after him, "If you're going to go hunt the creature that killed your parents, I may be able to help you... If you are willing to serve under me."

Nathan stopped suddenly and turned around, the grimace still on his face. He had to kill the animal, and if the most powerful man in the world wanted to help, what ignorant fool would refuse? "If you can help me kill the beast, I'll serve you in any way I must."

Hope, the most powerful man the world ever had or ever would see; the God-King of this animal-infested place, found himself concerned over this half-breed. Not once had anyone in recorded history been able to break a control spell, and to do so would require a level of power rivaling that of Gaia's Avatars. If this child could kill the half-breed for him, Hope would have that much less to worry about.

Well this is a very interesting story. I give a big thumbs up. The details you put into the story drew me in. Your story is practically a magnet. As far as I can tell this Lord Hope guy is evil, and should be dealt with quickly am I right. Don't worry about the descriptions they're very well done. I doubt if I did a story I would be able to put good dialog in. Keep up the good work.

This chapter isn't nearly as awesome as the first, but it moves quickly enough through the plot to keep me happy. I have to express my concern about your characters, though. It seems like many of the characters in the story are nothing more than templates. The caring mother, powerful antagonist and revenge seeker have all been used quite a bit. One way to combat this is to expose flaws in a character's personality, little irregularities that make a character feel more real. You also killed off Hakuro's masters to fast for any of us to feel any real sorrow for them. Nothing bad, but I can't really empathize with Hakuro like that.

I also picked up a few errors. I'll list them below, although even I wouldn't care too much about them.








Telling the reader he was cut off kills the effect. There is already a dash in the previous sentence, you could have skipped this one.


Common mistake.
It's = It is. An example would be "It's not dead." or, "It is not dead."
Its = Used to show possession of something. For example, "The dog picked up its bone."


The comma at the end should have been a period.


Bit odd. It feels like there's a change in tense halfway though, but I can't really justify it. It could have been: "In a flash, the larger stranger drew his own weapon and struck the master down with a single blow."


The close proximity of the words 'unconscious' and 'unconsciousness' to each other feels repetitive. Same goes for 'now'. It isn't really a mistake, it just feels weird to me.


Period after 'in' should have been changed to a comma and 'Said' should not be capitalized.


Another common one. People keep getting mixed up between "you're" and "your".
'You're" is a contraction of 'you are'.
Your is used to show possession of something.

That's more or less it. Anything else by me would be just nitpicking. Hakuro does sound familiar to me, though. And is the 'Hope' in 'Lord Hope' chosen by him, a title, or simply his surname? And I must have more of those guys in the first post. They were awesome.

Good job on the story! Again, your descirptions are wonderful!

Like Fatalcrash said, the mistress and the master were killed out kind of quick. We did not really get to know them. I felt sorry for the mistress, but I didn't know how I should have felt about the master. Maybe you can give us a little background on them in another chapter.

(Looks in awe at Fatalcrash's editting skills) :shock: whoa...

Thanks for pointing those out for me. I was writing it when I was tired, and I probably shouldn't have posted it until I had read over it again. I've gone back and fixed the things you pointed out, and a couple you seem to have missed. I also added some more details in the hopes of adding a bit more to the master and mistress.

As the story progresses, you may come to realize that Hakuro isn't actually very powerful at all, and he's far from 'hero' material for several reasons. I do try to avoid overdone character types as much as possible, but some of the less important characters do suffer from being overdone types. I can assure you that the major players are far more diverse (currently, I've got about seven or eight major protagonists and three or four major antagonists, but these things change rather quickly, and rather often up until I actually start writing about the character).

About Hope:
His given name is Kajaal Hope, but he is never addressed as Kajaal to his face. He is always addressed as either 'Lord Hope', or 'King Hope,' and yes, he is incredibly evil.

The master and mistress will be elaborated on in future chapters, as I don't foresee Hakuro simply forgetting them overnight.

Concerning my use of 'it's' instead of 'its', I know it's not technically correct, but that's how I do things. I'm gonna pull one of those "artistic license" things on this one (I can do that, right?).

Chapter 2
Into the Heart

His right arm throbbed painfully as Hakuro lay on his stomach in what he could only assume were fallen leaves, a small twig poking into his side. He tried to shift his body away from the twig, but his body was immobile despite an apparent lack of restraints. Hakuro had been unable to move for several minutes and didn't seem to be strong enough to even open his eyelids, though being nearly blind, it probably wouldn't have told him anything his other senses hadn't already. The smell of the forest flowers that bloomed around this time of year, coupled with the leaves he was laying on, told Hakuro that he was in a forest, but much deeper than he had been before; The outskirts had barren trees during the cold season, but deeper in the forest seemed always to be covered in a mantle of bright leaves.

Someone had been pacing at a furious pace beside Hakuro since he had become aware of his surroundings, but he wasn't entirely sure why. Surely, an enemy would have finished him by now, and if they were intending to help him, they could have done so before. From what little Hakuro could hear of the man's incessant mumbling, it seemed like he was waiting for someone, but his intentions remained painfully unclear. Panic set in, and Hakuro began trying desperately to move his body, but to no avail. It was almost like a control spell; He could feel his limbs, and Hakuro knew that he had to escape, but his body refused to listen to his mind. As he struggled, Hakuro heard a second set of footsteps approach then break into a run as the newcomer spoke.

"Thom!" said the woman with an intimidating tone, "Why haven't you healed him yet? He could've died!"

The person who had been pacing, Thom, stopped and spoke defensively, in a baritone voice, "My magics don't work on him, which is why I sent for you, Morgan; your Kemhuri magic is vastly different from Human magic, and I need you to try and heal him." Hakuro felt a hand press lightly on his back and another on his left shoulder. He felt a shift in the pressure and suddenly, the owner of the hands, Morgan, was straddling his body. Hakuro felt his tail begin to move back and forth.

Thom laughed, "Looks like you've still got it, Morgan. The drugs must finally be wearing off."

A single, hot breath passed Hakuro's face, making his ear twitch involuntarily, before he felt Morgan's teeth sink into his shoulder. The sharp pain of the bite rapidly dulled, and the pain in his right arm where it had been struck subsided, replaced instead by an odd feeling; like when he woke up after laying on his arm for a long time. Morgan pushed herself up as Hakuro began to stir, and finally managed to open his eyes; if only a little. He was absolutely stunned at the gold and crimson blooms on the low-hanging branches, but Hakuro was more amazed at his renewed sight.

Lifting his arm to his face, Hakuro pressed lightly, expecting the searing pain to return, and when no pain came, he rolled over and sat up while he inspected his arm where he'd been hurt. Instead of a wound, there was nothing but his own flesh and fur; not even a scar remained. There was only one test left, now. Hakuro's laughter slowed and he moved his hand to his neck, looking for the scar left by his branding, but he couldn't find it. He looked at his rescuers with awe and gratitude, but he was having a difficult time forming the words to thank them; perhaps because of the drugs Thom had mentioned.

The pair stood side-by-side, watching him intently, and whispering to each other without taking their eyes off of him. The one called Thom wore a rather thick mantle made of interwoven leaves over a coarse, brown robe with a black and gold hem. Despite his low, aged voice, Thom was actually rather young; perhaps in his third decade of life, but no more than that. His short brown hair almost managed to cover the odd symbol tattooed above his right eye. He held at his side a thick tome with convoluted runes covering the spine and face of the book, and despite the thickness and obvious weight of the tome, Thom had no trouble holding it loosely with a single hand.

The woman, Morgan, was a half-Kemhuri like himself, but she was obviously of a very different ancestry from his own. She had short, golden fur that faded to white as it moved towards her stomach and chest, and her snout was only about half as long as Hakuro's. Standing at least a good half-head taller than Hakuro, she had a much more slender build, but looked every bit as strong as himself, if not stronger. Morgan wore comparatively little, which Hakuro attributed more to a courtesy for the Human; He recalled reading once that Kemhuri rarely wore clothes outside of necessity, and their fur kept the cold from being much of a concern. Light, black fabric, kept taught by several thin straps, covered her chest, stomach and the inside of her thighs, but left several finger-widths of white fur protruding from under the edges.

Noticing his stare, Morgan walked over to where Hakuro was sitting and crouched down to look him in the eyes, "Can you speak, boy?"

Hakuro managed to stammer a reply, "Y.. Yes." Her gaze, framed by her long gold-brown hair, managed to be both beautiful and frightening simultaneously.

"Good," She said, sounding more than a little relieved, "What's your name, boy?"

"I'm... Hakuro," He finally managed to say, distraught by Morgan's stare, before Thom stepped forward and put a hand on her shoulder, drawing her attention away from him.

"Can't you see that you're frightening him?" Thom motioned towards Hakuro, who had started moving himself slowly away from them, "Give him a bit of time before you scare him to death."

Morgan stood abruptly, brushing Thom's hand off her shoulder, and stalked over to the nearest tree, where she stood with her arms folded across her chest and a sour look on her face. Thom sighed to himself and quickly found himself a suitable place to sit in the brightly coloured leaves, where he crossed his legs, opened up the tome he was carrying, and began to mumble softly to himself as he ran his free hand down each page. Hakuro was relieved to have some space at last, and soon, he found his thoughts wandering back to his Human family, bringing back the melancholy that had found itself a nest in the back of his mind. His master hadn't wanted his wife to teach Hakuro, only because it took away from the time he could have been working. But the Mistress taught him how to read and speak the languages of both the Humans and the Kemhuri anyways; though his Kemhuri vocabulary was extremely limited. After several minutes of silence, save for Thom's mumbling, Morgan finally spoke up; though she spoke in a softer tone that seemed not to be natural for her.

"Do you know what your name is supposed to mean, Hakuro?" The question drew him out of his brooding, and Hakuro cocked his head, confused.

"Mean?" Hakuro asked, "It's just a name; it doesn't mean anything."

Morgan grinned and leaned forward, "It's a Kemhuri name, and all Kemhuri names mean something. 'Morgan' actually means 'guardian' in the Kemhuri tongue. Your name, however is slightly more difficult to figure out." Thom had stopped reading and was watching the two of them, "'Haku' on it's own means 'unchained' or 'free', but 'kuro' means 'misery' in the Humans' language. As if that weren't complicated enough, the word 'uro' has it's own meaning; that being 'broken' or 'damaged.' As you can see, your name is quite interesting, and complex, but we may never know what it's supposed to mean."

Thom snapped shut his book, startling Hakuro, and turned to address Morgan, "Maybe we should introduce him to the others, then let him get himself cleaned up. I'm sure he'd like to be nice and clean."

"Right. Right. Come on Hakuro, let's introduce you to the others." Leaves rustled underfoot as Morgan strode past Hakuro and deeper into the forest, following some unseen path. Thom quickly followed suit, his robe dragging in the fallen leaves, leaving Hakuro to chase after them. As they walked, Thom and Morgan spoke to each other in low tones so Hakuro couldn't make out what they were saying. The trio soon emerged into a small clearing where a pair of men sitting on a fallen log were staring at the three of them, their eyes eventually focusing on Hakuro. The larger of the two sat with a broad-bladed sword across his knees, sharpening it with a whetstone, the handle of a second protruding from behind his shoulder. Twirling a small knife in his hand, the second man sat backwards, looking over his shoulder, tapping his foot impatiently.

Morgan pointed first at the larger of the two, then the smaller one, "They're Chris and James Sable," She raised her voice slightly a spoke to the pair, "Chris, James, this is Hakuro."

"Oh?" James said with a grin, "How does he taste?"

"Better than you do. I wish you'd stop getting yourself hurt so much." Morgan replied.

James frowned, "No need to be so hurtful, Morgan." He stood and turned around, gesturing towards Hakuro with his knife, "So what can he do anyways?"

Thom stepped forward to answer the question, "It seems that Hakuro here is completely unaffected by Human magic."

James cursed as the blade he had been twirling about slipped and cut one of his fingers, and Chris ceased his sharpening, quickly returning the blade to the empty sheath on his back. The brothers started walking towards the three, and Hakuro took a step back, bumping into a tree. Thom quickly stepped between the advancing brothers and Hakuro, holding an arm out to stop them.

Turning his head towards Morgan, Thom said briskly, "Perhaps you should take Hakuro to the springs so he can get cleaned up. I'll explain to these two about everything." Nodding, Megan grabbed Hakuro's arm and pulled him back into the forest, heading for the hot springs that emerged near the centre of the small forest.

Once they were gone, Thom turned back to Chris and James, motioning for them to sit down. Once they had sat down, Thom opened up the thick tome in his hand to the page he had be reading and asked without looking away from the book, "Did either of you observe the markings on Hakuro's back?" Thom glanced up and saw the brothers nodding, and flipped the book around to show them an illustration of an identical pattern, "This is the seal used by rune-casters to create a small, but powerful anti-magic field. It would appear that this is what Gaia gave to Hakuro, but the seal is unbroken and the anti-magic field is contained within Hakuro, rendering him immune to human magic; Kemhuri magic still seems to work though."

James leaned forward intently, "So, if we can get Hakuro to Hope, there's nothing Hope could do to him, right?"

"Not directly with his magic, no," Thom answered, "But it doesn't stop Hope from using his magic to throw something at Hakuro, or from simply stabbing him with an ordinary sword."

James pulled out one of his many concealed knives and began spinning it, "Then we'll get him trained. Hope is an unrivaled magician, yeah. But without his magic, he's got nothing," he tossed the blade in the air and caught it just before it landed on his shoulder, "What are the the chances of finding this one person on our own doorstep?"

Thom and James were both surprised when Chris spoke, "No chance. Only providence," James cocked his head to one side and Thom raised an eyebrow in question, "Gaia has seen Hope's evil, and has gifted one of her children with a means of defeating him; she is attempting to heal herself." Chris rarely spoke, and when he did, it was always in short, concise sentences.

Unable to sit any longer, James stood and began to pace slowly, "You said this is a rune-caster seal, right?" Thom nodded silently, "Then the Avatar we brought back can -"

"She can't use magic, James," Thom interrupted, "Remember? She was burned out when you got here; she's just an ordinary Human now."

"Oh, yeah," said James, dejected, "Right." The spinning of his knife stopped for a few seconds before he started twirling it again.

Thom stood himself up, snapping the thick tome closed, and addressed the two brothers, "I've asked Morgan to educate Hakuro on a few things before we explain his role in all of this, so please don't mention what I've just told you around him until I say so." There was a heavy silence in the air, but Chris eventually spoke in his eerily calm tone.

"Very well, Thom, we will not speak of this to Hakuro." He slowly pulled one of his swords from it's scabbard, laying it across his knees, and began to sharpen it even though it was already as sharp as when it was new, if not sharper by then.

James finally agreed as well, but immediately jogged into the trees in the direction of the springs, calling back when Thom asked where he was going, "I'm just going to have a bit of fun is all." James always found himself bored by Thom and Chris; they never did anything interesting. Grabbing the nearest low-hanging branch, James pulled himself up into the tree, moving from branch to branch as fast as he could manage, hoping to catch up with Morgan and Hakuro before the fun started.

------------------------

Hakuro finally managed to stop Morgan from running, though he still had to walk quickly to keep up with her longer stride. They had reached a small path that seemed to have been used often, judging by the leaves on the ground, which had been trampled into the soft earth. He wasn't sure what was going on, so he quickened his pace to bring him even with Morgan, who continued to look forward, ignoring him, and asked her meekly.

"Why -" Morgan turned her head so fast to look at him, Hakuro nearly jumped, "Why are you helping me?" She continued to stare at him for a second, her pale green eyes narrowed, before looking back ahead and answering in a bitter tone. Hakuro still couldn't tell if it was because of him, or if she always sounded like she was going to seriously hurt someone.

"Thom and Grace found you nearly dead, with an Enforcer's bolt in your arm, and they brought you -"

Hakuro raised an arm in an effort to stop her, "Hold on, hold on. What's an 'Enforcer'? And who is 'Grace'?" With less than one sentence, Morgan had managed to confuse Hakuro enough to give him a mild headache.

Morgan sighed and muttered to herself, "Why doesn't anyone else ever have to do this?" Turning her attention to Hakuro she began explaining, "Right, an Enforcer is a kind of soldier whose sole purpose is to arrest or kill anyone helping or harboring a Kemhuri or half-Kemhuri that isn't under the effects of a control spell. Grace is a good friend of ours, and she's probably already at the hot springs. I'll introduce the two of you if she is. Now, If you'll please not interrupt me, I'll answer your question." When she saw that he understood, she continued, "You're obviously an enemy of Hope, and that makes you an ally to us; that's the only reason you're alive right now."

A branch cracked overhead, and Hakuro stopped, perking his ears up to listen. Several bird's trilled sweetly, and a cool gust rustled the leaves in the tree tops, but that was all. Shrugging, Hakuro looked ahead to see that Morgan had kept walking, putting him a good twenty or so metres behind her. When he finally caught up, Hakuro heard another crack from above; louder this time. Morgan must have heard it too, because she stopped dead, and her gaze began to shift rapidly, taking in everything. He jumped when a light brown half-Kemhuri landed next to him, a broad grin plastered on her face and a pair of curved blades at her sides. Hakuro quickly moved away, watching the girl stare at him like he was a piece of meat.

As the girl started forward, licking her lips, Hakuro finally managed a single, terrified word; "Help!"

we have a literary genius on our hands! descriptions are amazing keep up the good work

I'm not sure what the guy above me is talking about, because I wouldn't exactly say that your descriptions are fantastic. You're falling into the common 'mistake' of telling instead of showing. Character dialog can be used to show many things, and from this chapter it's clear that you know that, but you still point out certain things you could have shown instead. For example, Thom's age.

Try mixing up your sentence structure as well, using short sentences with longer ones. It makes it feel more natural that way. Also try to stay away from overusing this particular style of sentence.



The same type of sentence is used trice in a row in dialog.

Only one noticeable error this time round.

This and the sentences around it feel wrong. I'll leave it to you to decide whether or not to do something about it. You also forgot the whole you're/your thing.

you make a good point there Fatalcrash i retract my first statement i still think its good though

Curse you, vile homophones!! Curse you, I say!


Thanks for the advice, Fatal. I'll try to keep it in mind from now on.
However, I have both a terrible memory, and a gimped attention span, so we'll have to wait and see how well it works out.



I've started the next chapter, but it probably won't be ready until next weekend, so don't hold your breath or anything (seriously, it's not exactly healthy).