Twokinds ARCHIVE Forums

PART 1: PRINCE

-----------------------------
Chapter 1: Imprisonment
-----------------------------

"Ha ha, lookit him go!"
Rexis lunged against the wooden bars, snarling viciously. The two shabbily-dressed humans stepped back; their brief fright quickly reverted to amusement.
"Aww, doggy want a bone?"
"Poke him with the stick, Horace."
"Horace," the grubbier of the two, grabbed a wooden stick tipped with a sharp metal goad from beside the caravan. As his comrade chuckled maliciously, he jabbed it through the bar at Rexis' face, laughing and jerking the pole back when the caged Keidran male attempted to grab it.
"Let him have it, Horace!" The other human was laughing so hard that tears streaked his grimy cheeks. "Maybe he wants a chew-toy."
"Horace! Hallace! Get away from that cage," barked a deeper, authoritative voice. The two men quickly put the goad out of sight and drew away as the slave captain approached Rexis' cage.
He was a tall, unforgiving man, dark chestnut hair streaked with gray. A tiny scar ran from his left nostril to just over his left ear. Sunlight glinted off his breastplate and the impressive broadsword that hung from his belt.
The slaver regarded Rexis with a mixture of pity and contempt.
"Sleep well, Keidran?"
Rexis' only response was a low growl.
The slaver was silent for a moment; he stared into Rexis eyes. The Keidran did not look away.
"You understand Human, don't you?"
Rexis was silent.
"Don't you, you filthy mongrel?"
Rexis snarled at this and shook the bars, yelling in Human, "Die you, human!" The slaver grinned and produced a small tablet from beneath his cape.
"Speaks... limited... human," he notated with a satisfied air.
Rexis cursed virulently in the Keidran tongue; the captain scowled.
"I know exactly what you just said, Keidran," he muttered. "Say it again and you'll taste the whip." With that, he whirled and stomped off to his tent.
Feeling exhausted, Rexis slumped to the floor of his cage in defeat. How had he ended up here? His father had warned him about straying too far into Human territory... now, Rexis had learned firsthand the dangers of these manipulative, arrogant, hairless creatures.
Stalking game in the forest, he had felt a rope curl around his foot and yank him upside-down into the air. His weapon slipped from his grasp in the initial ascent, and the surrounding trees were too far away for him to swing to them and gain purchase on the trunk. Before Rexis could pull himself up and chew at the rope, humans had emerged from the underbrush and beaten him mercilessly with wooden sticks. There was a time of forgetfulness, and then he awoke in this cage, being prodded by the disgusting duo of Hallace and Horace.
Rexis clasped the necklace of teeth and dragon-scales that he wore; back home, it signified his status as heir to the throne. Here, among the foolish humans, it would mean nothing. Rexis gritted his fangs and inwardly berated himself for not following an elder's advice. Now, he was probably deep within Human country, beyond rescue.
He peered between the bars into the gathering dusk. There were other captured Keidran out there for sure--Rexis could smell them. They were too far away to talk to, however.
After circling three times to find a good resting place (no easy task in the cramped and hard-bottomed cage), Rexis fell into a fitful sleep, plagued by dreams of home and death.
******
"Hey boss, we got another live one!"
Rexis stirred listlessly, eyelids drooping with fatigue. His ears pricked up when he saw Horace and Hallace dragging another Keidran through the camp. Rexis jammed his nose through the bars and sniffed; his tail twitched. This one was a female.
<Get your dirty hands off of me,> the young female screamed in Keidran, <or I'll bite them off!>
Rexis' heart leaped into his throat. He knew that voice!
The female Keidran's canine form mirrored his own, and she wore a dark green loincloth with matching camisole. Her coat of fur was jet-black like Rexis' in behind, but a white strip split her face and widened to cover her belly, her limbs, and most of her shapely chest. Light brown hair fell to her shoulders, standing out against her black-and-white fur.
As she struggled and scratched, Hallace hit her in the back of the head with his pole, stunning her. The gruesome twosome flung her headfirst into a neighbouring cage and locked the door; they departed in a huff, grumbling and checking their bodies for bite marks.
When the female had regained her bearings, she shook her head and her angry yellow eyes faded to blue, as Rexis knew they would. Those blue eyes widened in shock when they locked with his.
<Rexis?>
Rexis swallowed. <Brindle?>

-------------------------------------------
If you have the time, please critique my work AFTER you have read the WHOLE thing. Many thanks, and I hope you like it!

I like it, you have a lot of dialogue and it flows naturally and convincingly.
I sort of think maybe you could describe Rexis' physical features in more detail, to help the reader gather a better mental picture, but I can see the scene vividly in my mind, I give it a thumbs up :D

I hate to plug my own work on your thread, but if its not too much trouble, would you mind reading my own post a little ways down? Its been up for a while and has gone virtually unnoticed.

----------------------------
Chapter 2: Dinnertime
----------------------------
Rexis tightly gripped the wooden bars. He stood there, a tall, well-muscled black wolf; Brindle, his black-and-white female counterpart, stared back. She was tall for a female, and her eyes nearly met his. Rexis couldn’t help but notice how beautiful she was, even in her bedraggled state.
Brindle found her tongue first. <Rexis, what are you doing here?>
< I could ask you the same question, Brin. I thought I told you to stay put.>
Her head drooped. < I… I was worried about you. It was getting late, so I went out to look… They had a pit covered with branches. I was so concerned about you that I wasn’t paying attention, and…> She sighed. <They came for me before I could climb out.>
Reluctantly, Brindle met his gaze. <Did you tell anybody you were going?> Rexis asked.
Brindle’s eyes dropped again. <No.>
<Oh, Brindle…> Rexis sighed and leaned his head on the cage bars.
< I’m sorry, Rexis.>
Rexis’ mood shifted from unhappiness to determination. < I will get us out of here, Brindle. That’s my promise.> He longed to stroke her fur, but the cages that held them were too far apart. <Okay?>
She looked into his dark brown eyes and nodded. <Okay, Rex.>
Rexis smiled at hearing her childhood nickname for him. They had known each other since the age of six months, when their mothers happened to bump into each other at the bonfire. Rexis and Brindle had spent hours playing together in the sand, and an unbreakable bond had formed. The pair became inseparable.
It wasn’t until almost ten years that their friendship blossomed into romance. Rexis could still remember every time they had mated. Indoors, outdoors… in elder Rhigg’s flower garden. Even now, the memory brought a guilty grin to Rexis’ face; that one hadn’t gone over very well.
As successor to the throne, Rexis quite naturally had his pick of the clan’s women; naturally, he had chosen Brindle for his wife. This had caused jealousy and murmurings among the higher-class Keidran; Brindle’s parents were bred in human captivity, escaped slaves who spoke Keidran as a second language.
But Rexis cared nothing for that nonsense. He was in love. They were betrothed to be married only a week from now. It was to be an extravagant affair, with hundreds of guests from neighbouring villages in attendance. There were even rumours that the King himself would be there.
The happy memories drifted away like smoke in the breeze, bringing Rexis harshly back to the present. Now, he and his bride-to-be were in cages, and all because of his own stupid negligence. Rexis growled softly at his own foolishness.
<It’s not your fault, Brindle,> said Rexis. It’s mine, he silently added.
Brindle smiled. <When we get out, I’m going to kill that really dirty bald one with the stick.> She rubbed the back of her head, wincing slightly.
Rexis returned the smile. <Not if I get to him first.> He paced in a tight circle, inspecting the crate for weaknesses. The lock was metal, but perhaps he could chew through the lashings holding the bars together…
<We should wait until night,> Brindle said. <Humans aren’t as daring in the dark.>
Rexis gently hushed her. <Mind yourself; the captain understands Keidran.>
She self-consciously clapped a paw over her mouth. Rexis threw her a reassuring look. <Don’t worry, I don’t think he’s around.> He sniffed the air. <Strange thing though,> the Keidran mused. < I couldn’t seem to get his scent…> A foul stench assaulted his senses. <Look out,> Rexis muttered, <something nasty comes this way.>
He was referring of course to Horace, who now waddled towards their enclosures bearing a plate of meat.
“Dinnertime, fleabags!” He sounded cross; Rexis hoped there would be no more trouble. He heard Brindle growl and flicked her a warning look; <Careful, Brindle; wouldn’t want to soil your teeth.>
Brindle’s mood softened at his joke, and she moved to the far corner of the cage. Horace came to her first; he gripped a strip of meat in his grubby fingers and said, “Here you go, doggy,” before throwing it at her.
Brindle didn’t move a muscle as the meat struck her chest and fell to the floor of the cage. “If you think I’m going to sit up and beg like a circus animal,” she said, in flawless Human, “you have another thing coming.”
A smug look appeared beneath Horace’s protruding brow. “Alright then,” he said in a sugary voice, “don’t eat the food. I guess I’ll eat it, if nobody wants it.”
Grinning with wicked glee, he stuffed two pieces of meat into his mouth and chewed with exaggerated motions. “Mmmm…. Tastes great,” he said with his mouth full. Spittle and meat juice sprayed from his lips, causing Brindle to recoil in disgust.
“Want some?” Horace held out another piece, but dropped it just as she reached for it. “Aww, too bad. Well, more for me.” He crammed another three pieces into his cheeks.
“Horace!” Horace reacted to the captain calling his name as if a spear had been rammed through his bowels. He swallowed and inhaled at the same time, choking himself on the meat. The captain strode over and took the plate of meat from him.
“Horace? Are you all right?”
Horace was coughing and spluttering, trying to expel the meat particles from his lungs. Brindle turned away to hide a giggle.
“What have I told you about eating the Keidrans’ food?” The captain spoke calmly, but Rexis could sense that he was quite angry.
The slaver raised his hand in a quick motion; Horace ducked, and then stumbled away as fast as his thick legs would carry him, coughing all the way.
The captain turned his attention to Brindle. “He’s an idiot—a terrible example of a human.” Does that mean you’re a good example? Rexis wondered.
The human reached under his cape and produced a ring of keys. Finding the right one took a matter of seconds, and the cage door opened.
Rexis saw the look in Brindle’s eyes. “Brin, don’t!”
Her hand lunged for the captain’s throat.

Next chapter should be finished today or tomorrow. It is titled, "Not Your Friend."

EDIT: Okay, why the hell is it so dang big? Argh.

Ohh! This is getting good!
I'll be anxiously awaiting the next installment!
:)

Sadly, I couldn't finish Chapter 3 today, being swamped with work. Please stay with me a little longer, and it'll be up Saturday. :cry:

Sure thing! If I can wait several months for the last Harry Potter, I can wait for Saturday for this! Good things come to those who wait :wink:

That's what America said to Europe in 1940... :wink:

They did? That's new.

Screw Europe and America. Here's the next chapter! Sorry I had to change the title.

----------------------------------------
Chapter 3: When Keidran Attack
----------------------------------------
Brindle whimpered as the slaver held her wrist in a vise-like grip. Slowly but surely, she dropped to her knees, wilting like a flower in autumn’s first frost.
“Let go her!” Rexis yelped. The captain threw him a stern glance. Firmly (or delicately, Rexis couldn’t tell) he yanked Brindle to her feet and shoved the female back through her cage door before slamming it shut.
With faint disgust, the captain regarded the plate of meat, now spilled amongst the sparse grass. “Such waste. I’ll see if there is any more meat.”
He stomped away towards the cooking area, where kitchen fires burned beneath a threadbare tent flung haphazardly over ropes strung between trees.
Rexis’ thoughts were immediately of his betrothed. <Brindle… did he hurt you?>
Brindle touched her wrist. <Only a little bit… actually, it’s okay now.>
Her beloved grunted in disdain. <He obviously intends to sell us; otherwise he would never treat us well. Most humans would have murdered us already.>
<He seems like a good person,> Brindle replied, <just one that obviously thinks we are inferior. Animals, they call us.>
<If you ask me,> Rexis mused, voice tinged with acridity, <they’re the ones behaving like animals.>
<What’s going to happen to us, Rex?> Brindle asked abruptly.
Rexis sighed. < I honestly don’t know, Brin. You know more about Humans than I do.>
< I know enough to avoid the stupid creatures,> Brin retorted. <True, my parents were once slaves, but… they never wanted to talk about it.>
<Can’t blame them,> mumbled Rexis.
The captain never returned with their food. After staring long and hard in the direction of the dining area, Rexis turned back to Brindle and saw that she had fallen asleep.
She was curled up with her back in a corner of the cage, her light brown hair hanging down almost to her dainty muzzle; as she exhaled, her breath caused her hair to flutter like the wings of a dragonfly.
Rexis smiled, but his smile quickly twisted into a grimace as the cage bars came back into focus. Silently cursing all humans, the Keidran laid down on his side, pulling his knees up to his chest as there was not enough room to stretch out.
Someday, he vowed as sleep crept over his eyes, I will make that captain pay.
******
Urgent yells on the opposite side of camp jolted Rexis awake. His eyelids opened partway, then snapped wide open when he saw the cages unguarded. He stood and listened. Shouts of “Keidran!” and “Over here!” echoed across the clearing.
<Brindle,> he hissed. The young female began to stir. <Brindle!>
<What is it?> Brindle asked, rubbing her sleepy eyes.
Just then, fighting yells and the hurry of anxious feet could be heard. <Our rescue party has arrived,> Rexis said.
A low moan escaped Brindle’s lips as she looked around.
<What?>
<Nothing,> she explained, < I just… forgot where we were for a minute.>
<That won’t matter in a minute.> Grasping the sides of the cage, Rexis braced himself and aimed a powerful kick at the lock. The padlock rattled but held firm.
Two more kicks, and the wooden bars gave way. Shoving the cage door aside, Rexis ran to Brin’s cage and desperately examined it.
<Hurry, Rex,> she whispered. <We should run into the forest, circle back and—>
“Hey! What’s happening back there?”
Rexis’ fur bristled as Horace came into the cage area, a flickering circle of torchlight driving back the threatening darkness all around him. A dingy short sword hung at his belt, and something else that glinted in the dim light from the torch—the keys!
Without a sound, Rexis crept behind Brindle’s cage and squatted, ready to pounce.
The wait felt like hours as Horace shuffled along the row of cages, lingering far too long at each one; he was evidently in no hurry to return to the scene of the disturbance.
At last he came to Brindle’s cage. Rexis nearly gagged at the stench of Eau de Frightened Horace, but maintained his composure while the human examined Brindle’s cage, yanked on the door, and double-checked the lock.
“What’re you doing up, huh?” Horace snorted and hocked a gob into the shadows beside the enclosure; Rexis fought the urge to vomit when the glob landed on his shoulder.
Horace turned toward Rexis’ cage, but right away noticed something was not right. Staying rooted to the spot, he held out the torch as far as he dared, casting its shimmering glow into the gloom.
As the orange light slowly chased the shadows away, Horace saw the door hanging open. It swung gently back and forth, as if beckoning him into the shadows and the death that awaited him.
His hand went to his sword, and Rexis leaped.

Le gasp!
Me gusta tu story! Mucho gusto! :)

Thank you so much for following my stories! I fixed Chapter Two now, so the parts that were missing are there. Re-read it and it might make more sense now. :oops:

At long last (and a long chapter! phew):

EDITED JANUARY 30 2008
---------------------------------
Chapter 4: Not Your Friend
---------------------------------
Rexis pounced on Horace from his place in the shadows, bowling into the human with his full weight. Horace struck back with surprising strength, knocking Rexis against the other cage, and opened his mouth to yell for help.
His cry was muffled by a white paw—Brindle’s—that clamped down over his face from behind. Horace gagged and clawed at her arms while Rexis wrested the sword from him and drove it into the man’s flabby midsection.
Horace went limp, and Brindle jerked her hands away as if burned. Rexis slowly allowed him to crumple to the ground, shuddering as the dying human’s fingertips brushed his legs.
Brindle was horrified. <Rexis… what have we done?>
<It was…> Rexis heaved a long, shallow sigh. < It was no more than he deserved.>
<But Rexis… I’ve never killed anyone before!>
<Brindle, it was I who killed him,> Rexis asserted, <not you. Understand?>
She calmed slightly, and nodded, turning away as Rexis retrieved the keyring from Horace’s belt.
<Okay…> Rexis stared in dismay at the dozens of keys on the ring.
Brindle pointed at the padlock. <See those marks?> Rexis saw them: 34. <That’s a human number,> she explained. <Find the matching key and—>
<Got it!> Rexis rushed to turn the key in the lock. No sooner had the latch clicked open when Brindle burst from the cave in a whirl of fur and tongue and limbs and swept Rexis into a loving embrace. Rexis allowed himself to rest momentarily in her arms, kissed her ear, and then reluctantly pulled away.
<Okay, Brin; we’ll have to split up. When you’re clear, meet me by the Green—>
Rexis never had a chance to finish his sentence; an arrow whistled through the air and embedded itself in his thigh.
He struggled to catch himself, but ended up collapsing on the ground.
<Rex!>
<Brindle, go without me,> Rexis barked. He tried standing, but the wounded leg folded underneath him and he dropped again.
<But you—>
<GO!!>
Crying softly, Brindle reluctantly stole away into the night.
Rexis gritted his teeth and tenderly touched the arrow’s shaft. The resulting pain nearly brought tears to his eyes. Setting his jaw, Rexis ignored his searing nerves and grimly prepared to yank the arrow from his leg.
< I wouldn’t advise that.>
Rexis saw Kander step into the clearing just as the leopard Keidran’s scent met his nose. <Ah, how the mighty have fallen… right, Rexis?>
Rexis snarled viciously. <You’re a coward, Kander. Too scared to fight me head-on?>
Kander laughed at this. <Too smart.>
Rexis regarded his adversary. At 6’8”, Kander towered above most Keidran; his lizard-skin muscle shirt only emphasized the rippling, powerful muscles on his chest.
A hunter’s bow and quiver hung on Kander’s back, but now the Keidran warrior gripped a razor-sharp glaive with a thick wooden shaft. Kander lowered the weapon so its blade was inches from Rexis’ neck.
<So,> Kander smirked, <what’s the mighty Wolf Prince doing in a human slave camp?>
<We haven’t got time for our personal rivalries, Kander!> Rexis was anxious. <We have a common enemy!>
<Oh, don’t worry,> Kander reassured, allowing his blade to brush against Rexis’ throat; Rexis hurriedly jerked his head away. < I’ll deal with him soon enough. But at the moment,> (he turned and stared into the darkness where Brindle had disappeared) < I have other business to take care of.>
Rexis growled dangerously. <Kander, if you so much as lay a paw on her I will—>
Kander whipped the wooden shaft around and struck Rexis across the face with it. <Shut up,> he rasped, enraged. <You think I want your filthy, flea-bitten, wolf b—ch??>
Rexis lunged with his one working leg, aiming to sink his teeth into Kander’s throat; his aim was off, and he clamped down on Kander’s arm instead. The leopard yowled and kneed Rexis squarely in the stomach; Rexis slumped to his knees just as Kander’s foot struck his jaw. Spots swirled across the wolf Keidran’s field of vision, and Kander swung the glaive around at neck level. Rexis ducked to avoid decapitation, but Kander’s two-handed swing didn’t quite miss, and Rex felt the tip of his right ear being sliced off. Blood trickling down his forehead, he pivoted on his good leg and punched Kander in the face.
The leopard reeled, but Rexis lost his balance and slipped, flinging his hands out to keep from landing on the arrow. Kander slammed the glaive's blunt end into Rex's skull, flipping the wolf prince onto his back.
<You’ve had this coming for a long time, Rexis.> The leopard warrior raised his weapon to drive it through Rex's chest.
A snarling mass of black and white fur bowled into him and sent him sprawling. Kander swiftly shoved Brindle off of himself and brought the glaive around, cutting her outstretched arm as she jumped back. Seizing the moment, Rexis yanked the arrow from his leg, channeling the pain into a roar of feral rage as he tackled Kander from behind.
They scuffled about in the dirt. Brindle moved to help her beloved, but a younger leopard warrior vaulted into the clearing. He waved a baselard dangerously near her face. She backed away slowly, watching him carefully, but the young leopard's eyes were on Kander.
Finally, Rexis pinned his opponent. The glaive's haft was pinned beneath Kander's body and he could not free it without snapping it clean off. Fangs bared, Rex raised the bloodied arrow, about to pierce his adversary's heart.
The young leopard yelled, <NO!!>
There was a flash of moonlight on steel, and the flat of the captain's blade slammed into his head, flinging him forward. Brindle flinched and shrieked briefly, causing Rexis to look up as the young warrior slid from her arms to crumple on the ground.
Seeing his mortal enemy distracted, Kander bashed his forehead against Rexis' muzzle and shoved the wolf prince off of him. He stood up, panting heavily, but soon realized he was not alone.
Kander turned around. The captain's breastplate glowed in the darkness, shadows outlining him like a dark angel.
<Back off, human,> said the leopard. < I have killed five humans in the time it takes for you to fix breakfast.>
The captain didn’t waste words. “Shut up, Keidran.” He swung his broadsword, slicing off the business end off of Kander’s weapon in the blink of an eye. Surprised, Kander dropped the stick and raised his hands palm out in a gesture of surrender. <Don’t—>
Kander’s plea for mercy was cut short when the slaver followed through with another windmill swing, severing the Keidran’s hands and head in one fell swoop. Rexis stared in shock as his now-headless adversary toppled like an oak tree, raising a small cloud of dust. Blood spurted from the neck, staining the earth crimson.
The captain stared down at Rexis with eyes of granite. “Don’t try anything.” <Or you’ll be next,> he added in Keidran.
Reaching underneath his armour, the slaver tore off a lengthy strip of his grey tunic and handed it to Rexis. <Put that on your wound.>
Brindle rushed to Rex’s side as other humans approached; Hallace was among them.
“We’ve routed the Keidran attackers,” reported a man who could have been the slaver’s nephew. “Shall we pursue them into the woods?”
The captain shook his head. “Put these two in a cage with that one over there—” (he nodded towards the unconscious leopard warrior) “and get rid of this body.”
“Yes, sir. We’ll have to bury it some distance from camp—”
“No,” the slaver interrupted. “Burn the body and scatter the ashes.” He threw a meaningful glance at Rexis. “That is your custom, is it not?”
Rex slowly nodded, wondering why in the world a human slave trader would care about Keidran funeral customs.
The younger man gave his captain a strange look, and then affirmed the order. He accepted two pairs of manacles from a shorter human and securely chained Rexis’ and Brindle’s wrists. The short man threw the fallen leopard over his shoulder and they started for the cages on the opposite side of the camp.
“Wait, Maxis.” The younger man halted upon hearing his name and turned.
The slave captain stared long and hard at the shackled Keidran couple. Finally, he said, “Put them in the same cage.”
Rexis looked the captain in the eye, something he had not dared to do since their first encounter. “Thank you,” he said in Human.
The slaver’s mood darkened and he crossed the distance to where Rexis stood in two broad strides. “Listen, Keidran,” he hissed, leaning in close before abruptly switching to Keidran. < I am not your friend. Understand?>
Judging by Maxis’ and the other humans’ blank looks, they hadn’t a clue what was being said. Rexis’ eyes dropped, and he slowly nodded.
<Good.> The captain gave a brisk hand motion, and Maxis began leading them away again.
Hallace’s piercing shriek suddenly shattered the evening stillness. The fat human dropped his torch and slowly sank to his knees next to Horace’s corpse, tears streaking his filthy face. He looked at Rexis, and their eyes met; for the briefest moment, Re thought he felt pity for the human and… guilt.
The slaver’s face hardened. “One more casualty of the attack,” he muttered, although it was obvious by his expression that he knew the truth.
Heading away from the scene of Hallace’s grief, Rexis turned to Brindle with acid in his voice. <Why the hell didn’t you leave like I told you??>
He could barely hear her quivering response. <I… didn’t want to leave you.>
Something in her voice softened Rexis’ mood, and he licked her cheek. <Never mind, my love. We’ll find a way out of this… somehow.>


{Sorry for the double-post.}

I see you added that little bit about Keidran customs. Nice.

I credit the TwoKinds wiki. And Tom for recently reminding us of Keidran funeral customs. :wink:
Here's some character bios:
REXIS - The main character. A strong, young black wolf Keidran, heir to his tribe.
BRINDLE - Rexis' betrothed. A young, pretty black-and-white wolf Keidran (actually, I patterned her fur after a border collie). Familiar with the human language, as her parents were slaves.
SLAVE CAPTAIN - A tall, bearded human with a facial scar. Not even a name, and we already know a lot about him. He apparently respects Keidran customs and treats them well, although he is not their friend. He is strict and powerful.
HALLACE - a cruel, fat human and twin brother to Horace (who was killed by Rexis). Don't you feel just a little sorry for him?
KANDER - a tall, muscular leopard Keidran and Rexis' enemy. Oh wait, he's dead.
KESTRA - Wait a sec. Who the hell is Kestra? He's/she's in the title, so their character must be important...

Hey, after having to live in the real world for a few months (and losing my Flash drive) I am nearly finished chapter 5. Would anybody still read this crap if I posted it?