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What do you think?
Its good 50%  50%  [ 2 ]
Meh, not bad 50%  50%  [ 2 ]
Nah, its nothing special 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Quit now you hack! 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Total votes : 4
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 Post subject: The Start
PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 2:06 pm 
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Grand Templar
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Joined: Fri Jan 25, 2008 3:20 pm
Posts: 1153
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So far just a story idea, not really anticipating a whole lot, just wondering what people think about it.

Caution some mature material


The footsteps were hard through the forest, armored boots struck hard ground as they trudged along. A quiet whimpering was held fast in his arms. He ran, with her, ran as hard as his body could carry the two of them. Holding the girl tight to his breast he knew he had to get her away, the girl only at the tender age of nineteen had been declared an arcane and was to be put to death by the Order of White. The man who carried her was clad in the darkest black solid plate that had ever been crafted by human hands. He was the black knight, a mockery of the order and he was again saving another from their 'purity'. He was once a white crusader but now, now he was exiled to the darkest edges of the world only to show himself to challenge his former brothers.

He couldn't outrun them forever, and he couldn't lose them. Their insane fervor would keep them searching for days if not weeks. He would have to turn and face them, and die, again. Stopping he let the girl from his arms and pointed to a small clear water stream. He had told her about the cave the stream ran into and she understood that she would have to hide there.

Turning to face his foes he smiled under the dark metal helm. Four of his former brethren approached out of the trees with their stark white armor and gleaning steel. The girl had stopped when she saw the men in white armor. She listened to what was said between her knight and the crusaders as she hid behind a great ash. The white armors demanded the girl while her black knight insulted their god. They soon had enough and started hacking away at the black knight, arms spread he took their punishment. Every hit ripping into him, biting through his armor and into the flesh. It wasn't long until the black knight was forced to his knees. The girl had to fight down the urge to run to her dark hero as he was falling in front of her eyes.

"May God have mercy upon your soul, even if it is delved in shadow."
A single white armor raised his sword to deliver the end, but stayed his hand as the man in the black armor started to laugh. Looking up thought his cracked helm with emerald eyes of defiance and declared to the group of them.

"Your God can go FUC-" The Crusader's steel fell. The knights helm fell back as his body fell forward. The girl shut her eyes as hard as she could and curled up in a ball under the branches of the great ash. Her knight was dead, her hope cleaved into pieces she just sat there under the tree waiting for the ones in white armor to find her and kill her. They never came, instead she heard her knight moving. He was dead. His head separated. Looking from around the tree she saw her knight placing his head back upon his shoulders like he was donning his helm as if it had only been knocked aside.

The white armors were nowhere to be seen and as her knight finished he turned to her and smiled under that black helm of his and went to her. Picking the girl up in his arms again he continued on at a much more relaxed pace than before.

Walking along he listened to her as she finally spoke to him. Pressing her face to his broken metal breastplate she looked up to the kind leaf green eyes that almost glowed under his damaged visor.

"You are no black knight, your light shines so bright that only I can see it."


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 12:51 am 
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Grand Templar
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Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2007 12:17 am
Posts: 1033
Location: The Idyllic Woods, Calket
I wouldn't say it's bad, writing-wise. But it sounds a little generic, almost as if this has been said time and time again. A story that has been told before, if you will. But even so, it was told well.


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