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Okay, here is an attempt on a poem from me. I've tried to write straight from the heart, and I'm pleased with the result. Feel free to comment, and feel just as free not to, as I am first of all doing this for myself.


What's wrong with me?

Another day passes by.
The people around me smile all the time.
And I join them in doing so.
But it's all just a lie.
I know it's not a crime.
But I still feel guilty though.
You should know that I really try.
But it just feels like a bad mime.
When they're happy, I end up low.

I think I know the reason.
But I wonder if it's true.
If I'm really special like that.
Or if I'm just a pathetic person.
Maybe a dreamer too high up in the blue.
A stupid, self-centered little twat.

Misery and sadness brings me joy.
Love and happines brings me pain.
Loneliness numbs it all.
Although I'm just a boy.
I allready feel the strain.
I'm afraid to fall.
I wonder if I'm nothing but a toy.
If I'm to be grinded like grain.
If am really so small.

For some reason I am emo.
Though I wish I was not.
I wish I could smile for real like everyone else.
But it just end up so.
It ends up like that quite a lot.
Will I perhaps one day discover the prize?

I want to be the changer.
The starter of the spree.
I want to be the best.
It's a gnawing desire.
One that's hard to achieve.
Why can't I until then not truly rest?
I think I know the answer.
But beleving it makes me despise me.
The reason I'm probably not like the rest.

Someone died so I could exist...

Well I feel a bit obliged to reply since I gave Avwolf such a detailed critique not ten minutes ago. But in all honesty, this really isn't my cup of tea. Dark, introspective poetry has never tripped my trigger to begin with, so I came in with a bias.

Overall, nothing really seemed to pop. Very drab, very monotonous. I think you're trying too hard to keep to that ABCABCABC rhyme scheme and the language is suffering because of it. Poetry doesn't have to rhyme, have meter, or need fluffy language to be poetry. Just breaking up lines in a full-on rant, if done to focus on specific images, is enough to qualify as poetry. This just felt a bit cliched.

If you don't want to be emo, the first step would be to try writing the exact opposite of the poem above. You're just encouraging yourself to see the world for all of its flaws, and in the process you're ignoring the vast amount of good things in it. When you boil down to it, being "emo" is a choice. If it weren't, there would be quite a few 30-40 year old men and women going to work in black fishnets and dog collars.

To quote one of my favorite professors, "Cheer up, you sunovabitch." :wink:

Come to think of it, I probably shouldn't even have written this here. Pen and paper would have been better. I was just too lazy. Anyways, I'll let it stay here anyway.

And Fasty, you should never feel obliged to comment on something. Never. Just a bit of advice, because if you force yourself to do something, it will not end up quite as good as it could have been. Atleast in my world.

I do believe he said to

though.


My two cents:
I agree with the whole rhyme scheme comment Fast made. If you're keeping yourself on a rhyme scheme, all it does is restrict you from using a better word in place of one that rhymes.
Also: emo poems seem to lose effect if they have the word "emo" in them. Just sayin'.