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EDIT: Ok here is the newest version!

The War with Gods
By Sean Mahana

Prologue

0500 Hours, June 25, 2367 (Military Calendar) /
Omega Nebula VI System, on board the Blue Moon

The Blue Moon slowed from light speed and came to a complete halt. The vast B-180 Warship came to a complete stop and soon the crew began to open the SUPER CLASSIFIED orders from the United Federation of Star Systems, or UFSS. The orders were to intercept and destroy the cargo being shipped from Omega Nebula VI, a star system in the Milky Way. The cargo was to be aboard a cloaked cruiser headed to Arbaron in the Maleisious system. The shipment had classified information on the newest weapon research in the UFSS.
The captain of the ship, Captain Nathan Brown, was very cautious with being cloaked in enemy territory with very little space to actually maneuver his ship. The crew was anxious for battle, but they also feared it. Their enemy was a super race of beings nicknamed 'The Gods'. The project dealt with a six year-old boy found on the planet Kollektiv. The boy was discovered to have a different genetic code, one that allowed him to be faster and stronger than the average person. The project was classified but soon came to light once the project was noticed by the UFSS. They were a super class of warriors that was given the DNA code of the boy they found. The project was meant to create a super-human warrior race that could drive back any enemy from battle, but in the end their project turned on them. As the new warriors fought through the defense system, they successfully were able to board a warship and flee from the star system. Years later, they had began to multiply and soon called themselves the Starke, German for 'Strong Ones'.
The war with these warriors was very unsuccessful due to the fact that they had much of the UFSS' special forces information. They had tactical command systems, A.I.s, and most important of all...Battlesuits. The battle suites were made especially for them by the UFSS before they grew arrogant in their power and fled to the far reaches of the galaxy. There was one advantage the UFSS had, however, they had the 'first'. This 'special' forces marine was the very boy that had started the project. This marine in particular was the only one that hadn't freaked out.
"How much longer is this going to take lieutenant?" The captain barked.
"I can't say for sure, their cloaking devices are more advanced than ours and can sometimes easily sneak past our motion trackers." The captain knew this but tried to convince himself otherwise. He knew that if he made one small mistake, his crew and ship would be lost to the hands of the Starke.
The captain began to fiddle with his controls for a bit and brought the main view screen online. He studied it very carefully for any distortion in the stars.Although the ships were cloaked, any sudden movements could give away the position of their ship.
"Lieutenant, check these coordinates for any movement in the area." The captain had a hunch, and if his crew knew him any better, they would know to listen when the captain had a hunch.
"Aye, sir." The lieutenant began punching in the coordinates for the sector the captain was suspicious about.
"Movement seems stabilized captain, no movement detected."
"That can't be-" The lieutenant interrupted
"WAIT! movement destabilizing. They are coming in fast, sir. Too fast."
"Sound the alarm and take evasive actions." The alarm sounded the whole ship and the lights began flashing red for a warning signal.
"They are coming out of warp drive, sir. I can't shake them!" The captain sounded on the COM channel and opened the channel to all decks.
"Brace for impact!"
The ship appeared out of nowhere and slammed into the Blue Moon. The impact caused the ship to come out of cloaking and spin counter clockwise. The impact wasn't the only thing wrong, it had caused a hull breach on decks 34-41, causing many casualties and the loss of oxygen.
"Lieutenant, get those decks sealed off immediately. We need all the air we can get."
"Yes sir!" The lieutenant began moving her fingers across the holopad swiftly and soon the decks were sealed off. "There is another problem sir. they have boarded us." The captain snapped the COM channel back on. This time the Captain had frustration in his voice.
"All hands to battle stations. This is not a drill, I repeat this is not a drill. The enemy has boarded our vessel and they are now breaking through the sealed exits!" The Captain turned to the lieutenant, "Make sure those marines get to those doors and stop any from coming through."
"Yes sir!" The Lieutenant jumped from her seat as if she was going to pounce like a lion on its prey. She ran to the wall and typed in some keys on the holopad. Soon a chunk of the wall opened up and a rack of guns and grenades appeared. She grabbed a F34 Assault Rifle and a belt of plasma-based T34 grenades. She swiftly left the bridge and headed down the hall to the elevator shaft.
The captain was worried. Not only had they rammed a hole in his ship but they were also boarding it!
"This can't be happening." The captain said in a whisper. Soon an A.I. appeared beside him on the Artificial Intelligence pad next to his command chair. The AI was in the form of a man with old 16th century war armor on. He stood about one meter and glowed a dim neon aqua.
"Sir,"The AI began to speak "You know we won't win."
"Don't say that. We have won in the past."
"Yes but I must express the thought that this will be your last possible mission with me. The only way to truly win this fight is to release him."
"No, I'm tired of relying on someone else!"
"You will never know if he is properly sufficient for duty if you never give him a chance." This time the AI sounded calm.
"I won't let him fight! The scientist that made him is the one that made these monsters!"The captain was growing angrier by the second.
"My database tells me that he was a properly working specimen and was also enhanced by 40 percent than the normal ones. He should be functioning properly and I have a 95.9567 percent chance of non dysfunctional behavior. He can help us win, but you are too cocky to let him and try and take a risk of awakening him."
"This war has too many risks." The captain thought for a moment. "Dash, your right. We can't win without him." The captain looked at The AI. "Get him ready for battle."
"Aye sir." The AI disappeared from the pad and left the captain with his crew on the deck.
"Am I really THAT cocky?"The captain whispered.

Dash traveled through the ship's computer network until he found the Cryo Room. He entered the mainframe and appeared on a holopad next to one of the engineers working in the room. Dash appeared in front of the man and began to speak with him.
"Hello Lovell, how are you feeling today?"
"This is no time Dash, I'm busy trying to make sure that no one is hacking into our systems."
"Oh but this is the time. You see, the captain gave me specific orders to give to you."
"Ya? What are they? Does he want me to 'clean the screens' again?"
"No. He wants you to wake him up."
"You mean?"
"Yes. HIM."
"But the captain-"
"The captain knows of this. Without him we will all die. Do you want to die?"
Lovell answered in a meek voice, "No."
"Then do as you are told. I will stand here and watch."
"Okay, but I'd better get some guards in here just in case." Lovell turned on the COM link and asked for the three guards standing outside to enter. They entered the room and stood waiting for their instructions.
"I," began Lovell, "need you three to stand by the cryo tube and make sure that he doesn't go haywire once he defrost." The soldiers stood with their eyes wide opened. They knew that even if he went haywire, they would not be able to take him down.
"Do as you are told soldiers!" Dash said. "Captain's orders."
"Yes sir." the marines replied.
They circled around the cryo tube awaiting for him to defrost.
"Defrosting in five." Lovell said with a small sound of fear in the mix.
The elongated Tube held a man probably in his late twenties. He was peaceful in the cryo tube but the marines knew him otherwise. He stood about six foot and seven inches and had brown hair with blond tips. He had a muscular body and wore a black shirt with pants. The tube slowly began to open as the sleeping gas spewed out of the chamber where the body lay. The lid had fully lifted up and the eyes of the man began to open. His eyes were a crimson red with an outline of a cobalt blue. He looked around side to side and saw that the marines were aiming to kill. If he were to make any sudden movements, the marines would open fire on and he may not make it out alive.
The feeling in his body was still numb. The defrosting hasn't kicked in yet...what are they waiting for? He began to think to himself. It must be because of them. My brothers...the Starke. He looked at Lovell and began to speak.
"What is taking you so long?" Lovell didn't answer. "Do you not speak to your higher officers?" Dash appeared on the holopad in front of the cryo tube and began to talk to the frozen man.
"Hello Aaron. Are you feeling normal?"
"Hello Dash. Yes I am feeling normal, must I go through this every time I am put on a new ship?"
"Sorry Aaron, but I don't make the rules. I only follow them."
"Well how's about getting me up and moving again?" Dash turned to Lovell.
"Begin the defrosting sequence." Dash turned back to face Aaron. "Well, how was your last mission?"
"Exhausting. Do I ever get a break?" The AI chuckled for a moment.
"Your day will come, Aaron. They still need to get used to using you. They are still afraid of you."
Arron sounded frustrated " When are they going to learn that I am not my brothers? I am NORMAL!"
"Yes but you did malfunction on the warship Spirit of Shadows."
"I broke a few toys! Who hasn't?"
"They weren't just toys Aaron. They were highly classified files that were stored into the computer mainframe. It took us nearly six months to recover the files from the damage to the main computer YOU caused."
"Ok so I have an anger issue, who doesn't. Just let me out of here so I can do my job."
Dash shook his head. "As you wish."
The feeling in Aaron's body slowly came to life and he was soon able to move his arms and hands. The feeling in his legs too longer for them to defrost but he was soon able to function properly. He slowly lifted himself from the cryo tube and jumped on the ship floor in front of him. He looked around at the marines still holding their weapons and sighed.
"When is this ever going to stop?" He whispered to himself. He lifted his head back up and walked toward Lovell.
"So what is our situation?"
"The Captain has ordered you be awakened. We were sent on a mission while flying back to Earth and were ordered to intercept and destroy the Die Starke ship The Dark Portal. We were told that they had classified information on the latest experiments and weapons supply being created by the UFSS and were ordered to retrieve it or destroy it with the ship."
"While we were waiting, however, the ship that was to be intercepted came out of warp drive and rammed us with full force. We didn't have enough time to move out of the way and were hit by their ship. They penetrated our shields and began boarding our vessel.
"So you need me to kill them all and destroy their ship?"
"Correct, but we need you to try and get the information from their main computer before you blow it."
"How will I get inside?"
"We have that covered. When they hit us they tore a hole in their ship as well. We need you to go through that hole while we fend them off here."
"How much fire will I be under?"
Dash turned and faced him. " A lot. We can do our best to cover you but we can't guarantee your safety. You will most likely be hurt in the process."
Aaron looked at Dash." What about my Battlesuit? It was damaged in the last mission."
"We have a new one for you. An up-to-date model if you will." Dash turned to face the wall next to the cryo tube. There was an armor plated, skin-like suit hanging on the wall. It came complete with shoulder armor, a chest plate, gloves, legging, and boots. It also had a helmet that looked like a cross between some sort of bug and a twenty-first century motorcycle helmet.
Arron walked up to the suite and felt the material.
"It looks like some sort of skin."
"It feels like it too." Dash replied. "It is the latest model of the Battlesuit project. It enhances your normal 130 Percent average speed with 160 Percent average speed. Your reflexes are also enhanced and it has the energy shield of a warship. It is the best we have made and we are giving it to you so please don't destroy it."
"How good is the armor?"
"It is quite efficient. Why, we even had marines shoot plasma-based weapons at it and it didn't even scratch it."
"Sounds good." Aaron turned to face the suit again. "When do I put it on?"
"Now would be the best time."
"Got it." Aaron striped down naked and began to put the Battlesuit on. When he was fully encompassed in the suit, it began to grow warm and then suddenly cooled to his body temperature. His face shield began to show his energy bar and a small motion tracker along with a mini map of the area on his display cover in the corners. "This is nice. It feels just like my normal body and I can move around in it without any hassle."
"Like I said. It is the best Battlesuit available and there is only one of them." Dash waited for a moment and then asked, "Are you ready?"
"Yes, but I need a gun." Aaron gestured to the rack of guns mounted on the wall next to the exit door.
Lovell turned to the marines. "You heard the man, get him a gun." To be honest the marines were worried but they followed orders. One of the marines grabbed a F34 Assault Rifle and another one grabbed him a belt of both plasma-base and gun powdered-base grenades.The two marines walked up to Arron and handed him the supplies while the third marine watched with caution while he strapped the grenades on and loaded the weapon.
Arron turned to face Dash. "I'm ready."
"Good."

Aaron was slowly working his way down the decks of the ship. With each step he would slowly look from side to side making sure no enemy hostiles were nearby. Arron walked down a narrow hallway that seemed to be living quarters of the crew. He studied the hallway making sure non of the Starke was there. The Starke may have had lower grade Battlesuits, but they were no push overs. Most of them were smart and learned how to cloak their armor with some of the top model cloaking devices. The devices were located on their backs and if he could take those out they would e exposed.
While walking down the hallway, he noticed that the door of one of the rooms was open. He slowly turned his head around the corner, careful not to jump out if there were hostiles in the area. As he entered the room he noticed that the walls were a different color than before. Blood had painted the walls of the living quarters and the bodies of marines were scattered everywhere. He walked up to each of them and carefully checked their pulse to see if anyone was left alive. Every time he would come upon a dead one, he would take their clips and stash them in his ammo pouch on his hip. He searched the entire room and everyone he came upon was dead. He stood up straight and shook his head. He felt pity for the dead soldiers and how they had used their lives to protect the very thing they believed in.
He went to turn around but then noticed that his motion tracker had a faint movement signal. He turned to where the movement was originating from and slowly crept closer to the point of origin. When he came upon the area of the movement, he looked and nothing was there. Then it hit him. He turned, with gun in hand, and pointed directly behind him and fired. The round shot through the air and , in for a split second, a figure appeared but moved out of the way of the round. He He turned and fired again. This time the figure didn't dodge. The round struck the man in the head dropping it to the ground. Arron walked up to the body and shot it in the head three more times to make sure it was dead.
He soon left the room and started down the hall again, this time even more cautious. If anyone knew the Starke they knew that if there was one, there was bound to be another. He swept the area of any hostiles but the motion tracker showed no sign of movement. He was able to ease himself, but only for the moment.
He reached the end of the hall and walked through the destroyed door that the Starke had blown open when forcing their way in. He began to immediately patrol the are for any hostile threats and for reinforcements. He walked slowly toward one of the dead marines lying on the black, scorched floor. He turned the marine around and noticed that it was Sergeant Jason Nichols. He checked his vital signs and noticed a small pulse. He would make it but only if he was treated right away. Aaron turned on his COM channel.
"Captain, I need a medical team down here right away. I have a marine that needs medical support."
"Got it. Be careful down there Aaron. We need you alive in order to win this thing."
"Aye sir, going dark." Aaron turned off his COM channel and reached into his small magazine pouch. He removed a small, black tube with a red button on it. He pressed the button and the tube slid revealing a flashing red light. He set it down by the marine as a beacon for the medics to find where he was. He peered behind the metal and noticed five Starke on the other side.
He advanced toward a large piece of metal roughly twenty meters in length and hid behind it. He could hear chatter from behind the large piece of shrapnel.
"I will try and make my way to the Bridge. You take that squad and make your way to the engines." The leader said.
"Yes sir!" The others replied.
Aaron retracted his head from the view of the enemy and waited. Once he heard that the others had gone, he slowly stepped out from behind the metal and calmly shot the leader Starke in the head. The leader began to fall to the floor but Aaron rushed under the body to catch him so that they body didn't alert any of the others. He turned to see the origin of the large piece of metal. The Starke had blown a hold open and rammed a drop pod into the side of the ship. He looked around to check for anymore hostiles and then climbed aboard the vessel. He rushed to the pilot's seat and turned on his COM channel.
"Captain, this is Aaron. Do you copy?"
"Yes Aaron, what is it?"
"I have boarded a Starke Drop Ship and I am about to return it to them."
"If I heard you correctly you said that you had a drop ship?"
"Correct Captain. I need you to make sure I get on that ship safely with less fire as possible."
"Gazer Beam online. We are ready when you are."
"Aye sir, going dark." Aaron switched off the COM channel and began to flip the switches. The ship soon unlatched itself to the ship and sped off into space.


I added all three of the first chapter and made them into a prologue.
I hope this is better than the first one!

I don't want to come off as dickish, but I prefer to receive honest criticism of my works rather than obligatory thumbs-up. The idea surrounding the story, I like. Sci-fi/fantasy is my sort of thing so this stuff catches my eye. It's a concept one might be able to work with.

The catch being that right now, you're working with a lot of topics that have been done many times before. Secret government soldiers, space battles, military jargon... if you don't add your own writing style into the mix to make it something original, people are going to read it and feel as if they've read it before.

What I would suggest is to take out a lot of the unnecessary acronyms, like "F34-16B assault Rifle." Something like this acts as a stopping point for readers given its length. Keep the idea of the technical name, but cut it down so it doesn't kill momentum. Then mix in an alternative name that the soldiers using it might give it, sort of what you did with calling these super-soldiers "The Gods."

Dialogue-wise, try to avoid overusing the exclamation point, especially with soldiers. Readers see soldiers as professionals by default, so panic isn't usually something we expect to see from them right off the bat. While that's not to say panic isn't something they can do, it's something that can kill our trust in their abilities later on. Overusing the "!" can do the same thing. I liken the constantly screaming character to the violin-screeches from Psycho. When you hear it during the shower scene, you're numb in your seats. But if you have that "reet-reet-reet-reet!" playing through the entire movie, you end up annoyed and with your hands at your ears.

Just some things to consider if you're looking to make improvements. Writing takes a lot of practice, but man if it isn't something to enjoy. I've been writing since I was 13 years old on script-based RPGs in Yahoo! Clubs (the original, baybee) and I did the same things you're doing. :) Keep up the hard work and you'll improve - it's a law of nature or something.


Edit:

As for voting Yes or No, I think if its possible you should add some more options such as "Needs Work," "Could Go Places," etc... just so we're not forced to make a 100% +/- decision on a story we might be ambiguous about.

thanks for the tips! :D

Reads a lot better than last time, and glad to see that a lot of the confusing acronyms were biffed down to something more manageable. Just remember, soldiers generally have their own nicknames or shortened abbreviations for weaponry with overly-complex names. I wouldn't depend too much on giving things nicks, but every so often from a soldier's perspective helps.

I'd work a bit more around the redundancies here and there. Some examples:



We know already an alarm is going to be flipped. No sense in telling us that it was sounded after an order was given. That can be shortened to something more general, your choice what. Also, "take evasive actions" might be a bit too broad, if not overused. He's a captain, so he should know this ship. You as well. Have him throw out more detailed orders, such as ordering specific crew members to do specific tasks. It's your spaceship, you can choose those tasks too.

Also, try not to end dialogue with "he barked, he yelled, he whispered." Generally these should be cut to "he said" for the most part. It took me a while to transition to it as well, and it does feel bland writing it, but you should try to show us the characters' emotions rather than telling us. Show us how he reacts, body language, his fingers tightening around something, his posture stiffening, his eyes searching frantically for help -- something that'll let us know when he speaks what tone it would be in. That way we don't have to know he's yelling, barking, etc. Only use those descriptors in rare occasions.

Lastly, I'd suggest killing the exposition at the beginning. That should be stuff you should show us throughout the story, rather than clumped at the start. Otherwise we're not given a chance to be amazed by the technology. Leave us in the dark a bit so we read more to see what happens next. I'd start right when the first cannon fires on the Blue Moon. Get us going right in the thick of it, so we're disoriented and absolutely have to trust our author to guide us through the fight. That way we gain trust in our narrator.

Other than that, keep cracking at it! I'd consider making some character sheets for yourself so you know your main characters inside and out. Beyond that, if you really want to improve on your writing, try brainstorming and freewriting. When I feel like I'm running low on creative fuel, I just pull out a sheet of paper and write about anything and everything that pops into my head for about three minutes or so. No filter, just write every tidbit of junk you can think of. Amidst all of that rambling you've written, you might find one or two real gems that you want to keep. Write those down somewhere with the others and keep it close.

thanks again...I HATE REVISION!!!!!

oh well, i want to get it published so i guess I have to do what I have to do

Thanks again

Heh, every story needs revision. It's just some of the stuff you have to trudge through if you're looking to someday earn publication. I don't mind it too much any more, but it's one of those necessary evils.

This is an updated version. After taking your advice I found that this is much better than the other two originals.

The Words in Bold were the ones I changed. I hope you like this one better!

The War with Gods
By Sean Mahana

Prologue

0500 Hours, June 25, 2367 (Military Calander) /
Omega Nebula VI System, on board the Blue Moon

The Blue Moon slowed from light speed and came to a complete hault. The vast B-180 Warship came to a complete stop and soon the crew began to open the SUPER CLASSIFIED orders from the United Federation of Star Systems, or UFSS. The orders were to intercept and destroy the cargo being shipped from Omega Nebula VI, a star system in the Milky Way. The crago was to be aboard a cloaked cruiser headed to Arbaron in the Maleisious system. The shipment had classified information on the newest weapon research in the UFSS.
The captain of the ship, Captain Aaron Brown, was very cautious with being cloaked in enemy territory with very little space to actually maneuver his ship. The crew was anxious for battle, but they also feared it. Their enemy was a super race of beings nicknamed 'The Gods'. The project dealt with a six year-old boy found on the planet Kollektiv. The boy was discovered to have a different genetic code, one that allowed him to be faster and stronger than the average person. The project was classified but soon came to light once the project was noticed by the UFSS.
"How much longer is this going to take Lieutenant?" The captain began to sweat a little.
"I can't say for sure, their cloaking devices are more advanced than ours and can sometimes easily sneak past our motion trackers." The captain knew this but tried to convince himself otherwise. The captain began to twiddle his fingers and then reached into his pocket an pulled out a small coin. The coin had an eagle on one side and a shield on the other. Written just below the coin read 'Viel Glück' , German for 'Good Luck'.
The Lieutenant turned to face him. "You lucky coin?"
"Aye," The captain grasped it tightly in the palm of his hand. "We'll need it if we plan on seeing this mission through." The Lieutenant nodded and began working back at her station.
The Lieutenant was a women that looked about in her mid thirties. She had long, black hair and had a few wrinkles on her for head. She had hazel eyes and pink, pouty lips. She didn't look like a soldier but looks could be very deceiving in the end.
He stepped away from where the lieutenant was seated and walked over to his station. He sat in his chair and sighed. He was very tired and looked as though he could use some rest. He leaned up to his controls and began to type something on the holopad. Soon, the view screen appeared online and the captain could see all that was in front of him, behind him ,and anywhere else there where cameras. He studied it carefully as though he was looking for something. The captain's eyes widened and he turned to face one of the workers on the bridge.
"Check sectors two through seven and tell me if you see anything." He seemed very scared at the moment. A fright that could only mean doom for him and his crewmen. He turned to face a young lady sitting at a station. "Linda, I need you to check the perimeter for any movement. If you find anything let me know."
"Aye sir" A few moments later, Linda replied.
"Movement seems stabilized captain, no movement seems to be present."
"That can't be-" Linda interrupted.
"WAIT! movement destabilizing. It is a ship, sir. The ship we were sent to intercept."
"Sound the alarm ." The alarm blew through the entire ship. The captain's skin began to turn a palish-white, almost like a ghost. He looked over at the young man he had given the coordinates to. " Begin to move the ship at a ninety degree angle to the right and arm missile torpedoes."
"Sir , yes sir." The boy turned to his holopad and began typing in commands to give to the engineers. Within seconds, he missiles we armed. "Movement will take about two minutes."
"We don't have that much time. If they come out of Warp speed, they will already be ready to open fire."
"I could try rerouting the main power to focus on the accelerators. That should boost us about twenty-five percent."
"Do it." The movement of the ship accelerated and the ship began to move more swiftly.

The alien vessel appeared out of nowhere and began firing giant salvos at the Blue Moon. The salvos were so big that they were able to tear a hole through decks thirty-one through fourty-two.
"Lieutenant, get those decks sealed off immediately. We need all the air we can get."
"Yes sir." The lieutenant began moving her fingers across the holopad swiftly and soon the decks were sealed off. "There is another problem sir. they have boarded us." The captain snapped the COM channel back on. This time the Captain had frustration in his voice.
"All hands to battle stations. This is not a drill, I repeat this is not a drill. The enemy has boarded our vessel and they are now breaking through the sealed exits!" The Captain turned to the Lieutenant, "Make sure those marines get to those doors and stop any from coming through."
"Yes sir!" The Lieutenant jumped from her seat as if she was going to pounce like a lion on its prey. She ran to the wall and typed in some keys on the holopad. Soon a chunk of the wall opened up and a rack of guns and grenades appeared. She grabbed a F34 Assault Rifle and a belt of plasma-based T34 grenades. She swiftly left the bridge and headed down the hall to the elevator shaft.
The captain was worried. Not only had they blown a hole in his ship but they were also boarding it!
"This can't be happening." The captain was worried and knew that he couldn't do anything about it.
Soon an A.I. appeared beside him on the Artificial Intelligence pad next to his command chair. The AI was in the form of a man with old 16th century war armor on. He stood about half a cubit and glowed a neon aqua.
"Sir,"The A.I. began to speak "You know we won't win."
"Don't say that. We have won in the past."
"Yes but I must express the thought that you can't win without our secret soldier. The only way to truly win this fight is to release him."
"No, I'm tired of relying on someone else."
"You will never know if he is properly sufficient for duty if you never give him a chance."
"I won't let him fight. The scientist that found him is the one that made these monsters!"The captain was growing angrier by the second.
"My database tells me that he was a properly working specimen and was also enhanced by 40 percent than the normal ones. He should be functioning properly and I have a 95.9 percent chance of non dysfunctional behavior. He can help us win, but you are too cocky to let him and try and take a risk of awakening him."
"This war has too many risks." The captain thought for a moment. Was he too worried? The soldier had never freaked out before, but was he just too worried? "Dash, your right. We can't win without him." The captain looked at The A.I. "Get him ready for battle."
"Aye sir." The A.I. disappeared from the pad and left the captain with his crew on the deck.
The Captain remained on the deck and barked orders at his workers.

Dash traveled through the ship's computer network until he found the Cryo Room. He entered the mainframe and appeared on a holopad next to one of the engineers working in the room. Dash appeared in front of the man and began to speak with him.
"Hello Lovell, how are you feeling today?"
"This is no time Dash, I'm busy trying to make sure that no one is hacking into our systems."
"Oh but this is the time. You see, the captain gave me specific orders to give to you."
"Ya? What are they? Does he want me to 'clean the screens' again?"
"No. He wants you to wake him up."
"You mean?"
"Yes. HIM."
"But the captain-"
"The captain knows of this. Without him we will all die. Do you want to die?"
Lovell answered in a meek voice, "No."
"Then do as you are told. I will stand here and watch."
"Okay but I'd better get some guards in here just in case." Lovell turned on the COM link and asked for the three guards standing outside to enter. They entered the room and stood waiting for their instructions.
"I," began Lovell, "need you three to stand by the CRYO tube and make sure that he doesn't go haywire once he defrost." The soldiers stood with their eyes wide opened. They knew that even if he went haywire, they would not be able to take him down.
"Do as you are told soldiers." Dash said. "Captain's orders."
"Yes sir." the marines replied.
They circled around the cryo tube awaiting for him to defrost.
"Defrosting in five." Lovell said with a small sound of fear in the mix.
The elongated Tube held a man probably in his late twenties. He was peaceful in the cryo tube but the marines knew him otherwise. He stood about six foot and seven inches and had brown hair with blond tips. He had a muscular body and wore a black shirt with pants. The tube slowly began to open as the sleeping gas spewed out of the chamber where the body lay. The lid had fully lifted up and the eyes of the man began to open. His eyes were a crimson red with an outline of a cobalt blue. He looked around side to side and saw that the marines were aiming to kill. If he were to make any sudden movements, the marines would open fire on and he may not make it out alive.
The feeling in his body was still numb. The defrosting hasn't kicked in yet...what are they waiting for? He began to think to himself. It must be because of them. My brothers...the Starke. He looked at Lovell and began to speak.
"What is taking you so long?" Lovell didn't answer. "Do you not speak to your higher officers?" Dash appeared on the holopad in front of the cryo tube and began to talk to the frozen man.
"Hello Nathan. Are you feeling normal?"
"Hello Dash. Yes I am feeling normal, must I go through this every time I am put on a new ship?"
"Sorry Nathan, but I don't make the rules. I only follow them."
"Well how's about getting me up and moving again?" Dash turned to Lovell.
"Begin the defrosting sequence." Dash turned back to face Nathan. "Well, how was your last mission?"
"Exhausting. Do I ever get a break?" The AI chuckled for a moment.
"Your day will come, Nathan. They still need to get used to using you. They are still afraid of you."
Nathan sounded frustrated " When are they going to learn that I am not my brothers? I am NORMAL!"
"Yes but you did malfunction on the warship Spirit of Dawn."
"I broke a few toys. Who hasn't?"
"They weren't just toys Nathan. They were highly classified files that were stored into the computer mainframe. It took us nearly six months to recover the files from the damage to the main computer YOU caused."
"Okay so I have an anger issue, who doesn't. Just let me out of here so I can do my job."
Dash shook his head. "As you wish."
The feeling in Nathan's body slowly came to life and he was soon able to move his arms and hands. The feeling in his legs too longer for them to defrost but he was soon able to function properly. He slowly lifted himself from the cryo tube and jumped on the ship floor in front of him. He looked around at the marines still holding their weapons and sighed.
"When is this ever going to stop?" He lifted his head back up and walked toward Lovell.
"So what is our situation?"
"The captain has ordered you be awakened. We were sent on a mission while flying back to Earth and were ordered to intercept and destroy the Starke ship Menace. We were told that they had classified information on the latest experiments and weapons supply being created by the UFSS and were ordered to retrieve it or destroy it with the ship."
"While we were waiting, however, the ship that was to be intercepted came out of warp drive and fired on us with full force. We didn't have enough time to move out of the way and were hit by their ship. They penetrated our shields and began boarding our vessel.
"So you need me to kill them all and destroy their ship?"
"Correct, but we need you to try and get the information from their main computer before you blow it."
"How will I get inside?"
"We have that covered. Once you are ready to board we will bring our latest weaponry project, nicknamed Gazer Beam, online. The beam will be able to shoot a hole in their ship large enough for you to get on board."
"How much fire will I be under?"
Dash turned and faced him. " A lot. We can do our best to cover you but we can't guarantee your safety. You will most likely be hurt in the process."
Nathan looked at Dash." What about my Battlesuit? It was damaged in the last mission."
"We have a new one for you. An up-to-date model if you will." Dash turned to face the wall next to the cryo tube. There was an armor plated, skin-like suit hanging on the wall. It came complete with shoulder armor, a chest plate, gloves, legging, and boots. It also had a helmet that looked like a cross between some sort of bug and a twenty-first century motorcycle helmet.
Nathan walked up to the suite and felt the material.
"It looks like some sort of skin."
"It feels like it too." Dash replied. "It is the latest model of the Battlesuit project. It enhances your normal 130 Percent average speed with 160 Percent average speed. Your reflexes are also enhanced and it has the energy shield of a warship. It is the best we have made and we are giving it to you so please don't destroy it."
"How good is the armor?"
"It is quite efficient. Why, we even had marines shoot plasma-based weapons at it and it didn't even scratch it."
"Sounds good." Nathan turned to face the suit again. "When do I put it on?"
"Now would be the best time."
"Got it." Nathan striped down naked and began to put the Battlesuit on. When he was fully encompassed in the suit, it began to grow warm and then suddenly cooled to his body temperature. His face shield began to show his energy bar and a small motion tracker along with a mini map of the area on his display cover in the corners. "This is nice. It feels just like my normal body and I can move around in it without any hassle."
"Like I said. It is the best Battlesuit available and there is only one of them." Dash waited for a moment and then asked, "Are you ready?"
"Yes, but I need a gun. I think I'll take one of those bullet hoses over there." Nathan gestured to the rack of guns mounted on the wall next to the exit door.
Lovell turned to the marines. "You heard the man, get him a gun." To be honest the marines were worried but they followed orders. One of the marines grabbed a F34 Assault Rifle and another one grabbed him a belt of both plasma-base and gun powdered-base grenades.The two marines walked up to Nathan and handed him the supplies while the third marine watched with caution while he strapped the grenades on and loaded the weapon.
Nathan turned to face Dash. "I'm ready."
"Good."

Nathan was slowly working his way down the decks of the ship. With each step he would slowly look from side to side making sure no enemy hostiles were nearby. Nathan walked down a narrow hallway that seemed to be living quarters of the crew. He studied the hallway making sure non of the Starke was there. The Starke may have had lower grade Battlesuits, but they were no push overs. Most of them were smart and learned how to cloak their armor with some of the top model cloaking devices. The devices were located on their backs and if he could take those out they would e exposed.
While walking down the hallway, he noticed that the door of one of the rooms was open. He slowly turned his head around the corner, careful not to jump out if there were hostiles in the area. As he entered the room he noticed that the walls were a different color than before. Blood had painted the walls of the living quarters and the bodies of marines were scattered everywhere. He walked up to each of them and carefully checked their pulse to see if anyone was left alive. Every time he would come upon a dead one, he would take their clips and stash them in his ammo pouch on his hip. He searched the entire room and everyone he came upon was dead. He stood up straight and shook his head. He felt pity for the dead soldiers and how they had used their lives to protect the very thing they believed in.
He went to turn around but then noticed that his motion tracker had a faint movement signal. He turned to where the movement was originating from and slowly crept closer to the point of origin. When he came upon the area of the movement, he looked and nothing was there. Then it hit him. He turned, with gun in hand, and pointed directly behind him and fired. The round shot through the air and , in for a split second, a figure appeared but moved out of the way of the round. He He turned and fired again. This time the figure didn't dodge. The round struck the man in the head dropping it to the ground. Nathan walked up to the body and shot it in the head three more times to make sure it was dead.
He soon left the room and started down the hall again, this time even more cautious. If anyone knew the Starke they knew that if there was one, there was bound to be another. He swept the area of any hostiles but the motion tracker showed no sign of movement. He was able to ease himself, but only for the moment.
He reached the end of the hall and walked through the destroyed door that the Starke had blown open when forcing their way in. He began to immediately patrol the are for any hostile threats and for reinforcements. He walked slowly toward one of the dead marines lying on the black, scorched floor. He turned the marine around and noticed that it was Sergeant Jason Nichols. He checked his vital signs and noticed a small pulse. He would make it but only if he was treated right away. Nathan turned on his COM channel.
"Captain, I need a medical team down here right away. I have a marine that needs medical support."
"Got it. Be careful down there Nathan. We need you alive in order to win this thing."
"Aye sir, going dark." Nathan turned off his COM channel and reached into his small magazine pouch. He removed a small, black tube with a red button on it. He pressed the button and the tube slid revealing a flashing red light. He set it down by the marine as a beacon for the medics to find where he was. He peered behind the metal and noticed five Starke on the other side.
He advanced toward a large piece of metal roughly twenty meters in length and hid behind it. He could hear chatter from behind the large piece of shrapnel.
"I will try and make my way to the Bridge. You take that squad and make your way to the engines." The leader said.
"Yes sir!" The others replied.
Nathan retracted his head from the view of the enemy and waited. Once he heard that the others had gone, he slowly stepped out from behind the metal and calmly shot the leader Starke in the head. The leader began to fall to the floor but Nathan rushed under the body to catch him so that they body didn't alert any of the others. He turned to see the origin of the large piece of metal. The Starke had blown a hold open and rammed a drop pod into the side of the ship. He looked around to check for anymore hostiles and then climbed aboard the vessel. He rushed to the pilot's seat and turned on his COM channel.
"Captain, this is Nathan. Do you copy?"
"Yes Nathan, what is it?"
"I have boarded a Starke Drop Ship and I am about to return it to them."
"If I heard you correctly you said that you had a drop ship?"
"Correct Captain. I need you to make sure I get on that ship safely with less fire as possible."
"Gazer Beam online. We are ready when you are."
"Blow it." A giant beam shot out from the Blue Moon and hit the Starke ship hard. The beam tore a hole in the ship, large enough for Nathan to land in.
"I'm headed in. Going Dark."
"God speed soldier." Nathan switched off the COM channel and began to flip the switches. The ship soon unlatched itself to the ship and sped off into space.

I have some friends of mine that draw really good making me concepts for my characters. After they get done I'm going to scan them and then type up their Bios. You think that would work???

After nearly a week of typing, I AM FINALLY DONE WITH CHAPTER 1!!!!!!!!

Here it is and leave me some feedback.

Nathan sped down the highway of New Chicago. The city was on planet Kraft, a planet in the Orion System. Nathan was on his way to the UFSS Academy that was stationed on this planet. He was to report there ASAP for his new assignment. He was speeding down the highway on his Falcon Cruiser, a hovering motorcycle that was black with a pinstripe running down both sides.
He was wearing his Battlesuit for protection with a black leather biker’s jacket over it. He had no helmet for protection. He liked it this way; it made his feel vulnerable and not invincible like the papers said he was. It also made his feel free to do whatever he wanted and not have to obey orders. In short, he felt like a kid again, before the UFSS discovered his abilities.
He drove down the highway until he recognized his exit. He drove down the off ramp and into the main strip of the city. The city was amazing. In the twenty-first century, Earth thought Skyscrapers wouldn’t get any bigger, but they were wrong. Nathan always admired the works that the human race had accomplished throughout their time. He always stood amazed at how the had come so far with technology, but, as always, there was more to be discovered.
He drove past many great buildings and soon reached the Academy. He drove up into the gravel drive way and presented his I.D. to the guard that stood by the gate. The guard inspected it and gave it back. “Have a good day Petty Officer Nathan.” The gate opened and Nathan eased his way in. e drove down the gravel path toward the main part of the Academy.
The scenery had changed fast. It went from a gigantic metal world to a graveled-path jungle. Kraft wasn’t only known for it’s cities but also from its rain forests. The entire world looked like that of the Jurassic Period from Earth’s past. The striking resemblance was incredible. They also believed that this world was still going throughout its evolutionary era and some environmentalist thought we shouldn’t even be here in the first place.
He pulled into the Academy parking lot and turned his Falcon Bike off. The vehicle lowered and two wheels began to lower from the inner part of the bike. Although it was a hover bike, it couldn’t go anywhere. The wheels touched down and the kickstand shot out and hit the ground. Nathan got off the bike and walked toward the next gate guarding the entrance to the planet’s UFSS’ H.Q.
He showed the second guard his I.D. While the guard checked the I.D., Aaron noticed his tag. The tag read ‘SGT. Jason Nichols’. It appeared that the UFSS had been on high alert after the incident on Sieg. While the UFSS was colonizing the planet, the Starke attacked without warning and killed almost every UFSS vessel in the process. It appeared that Sergeant Nichols was a hero there and saved many people. He was considered a war hero and was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor for his great deed.
The man handed the I.D. back to Nathan and waved for the gate to open.
“I’ll be seeing you later.” Nichols said with a smirk on his face.
Nathan turned to reply but then one of his old comrades noticed him. He immediately ran for Nathan and began asking many questions about his last mission.
It was a young man, about the same age as Nathan, if not older, and had brown hair with sea blue eyes. He was wearing a military uniform with medals pinned on his chest for battles he had won.
The man swiftly advanced toward Nathan and saluted him. Nathan returned the gesture with somewhat of a smile on his face.
“Long time no see!” The man said with cheerfulness.
“It has been a while Matt.” Nathan replied.
“So, how was your last mission?”
“You know me. I never leave a failed mission!”
“True that.” The man smiled and looked at the old training grounds to his right. There were marines running the course with great intensity. He looked back up at Aaron. “It isn’t the same anymore, Nathan. I always thought joining the military would be fun, but now this war brings is death and pain” Matt had a sad expression on his face.
“Yes, I know what you mean.” They both turned to look at the marines on the obstacle course. “I remember how this war began.” Nathan had a tear in his eye.
“Don’t beat yourself up for it.” Nathan looked back at Matt but the tear had vanished.
“Your right…How would I have known what was going to happen?” He looked away again. “But still…” Matt put his hand on Aaron’s shoulder. He went to say something but the words never came. Matt looked at Nathan.
“Well I have a new mission so I’ll be seeing you later.” Matt took his hand off of Nathan’s shoulder and walked on behind the gate.

Nathan made his way down the hall of the secured facility. He came to the end of a hall and looked at the signs that pointed where to go. He recognized the sign that led to the briefing room and began to head that way. He continued walking down the hall and stopped to look out of the window for a moment. He saw the lush, green trees of the forest that lay outside. He wished that the entire galaxy was this way…peaceful.
He soon began to advance down the hall to a glass door. When he opened it there were other marines sitting on some seats in the waiting section. He went to sit down next to one of the marines but was surprisingly called to enter the room.
He entered the sound proof room and beheld a table in the middle of the dark room. There was a light shining on it with three other high-ranked soldiers on the other side. He walked up to the table and saluted. The others stood and returned the gesture.
“At ease, now sit down so that we may begin.” Nathan and the others sat down in their seats. “I presume you know why we are here?”
“For new orders I would expect.”
“Correct.” The man on the right began talking. The table began to glow and the holographic image of a planet appeared, hovering above the table. “At exactly 0600 hours on Tuesday, a Starke ship attacked Verlust, a planet in the Zero Alpha System. They had a fleet of two hundred ships; one hundred and fifty were T-920 Gamma Class Warships while fifty were drop pods. The planet’s Security Systems did not detect the invasion and we soon lost contact.”
“We believe,” The middle soldier began to speak, “that the planet was lost to the hand of the Starke. We also have reason to believe that they have taken prisoners. We need you to take a squad of marines to the surface and find out what they are up to. As soon as you have discovered their plans, we will destroy the entire planet.”
“What if there are survivors?! We can’t just leave them there!” Aaron protested.
“You will do as you are ordered.” The middle person had anger and frustration on his face. “Your mission is to discover their plans and we will blow that planet to hell if you have to! You understand me soldier!”
“Whatever.” Nathan had a rebellious look on his face.
“Whatever!? If you weren’t as strong as you are I would shoot you where you sit!”
“Ya, ya, where do I go and where is the EVAC point.”
“You will be dropped off,” the soldier on the right began to speak,” in a small forest just outside of New Zealot. From there you will make your way to the UFSS base stationed there. Then you will infiltrate our main computer. First you will find out what the Starke are up to and then you will be ordered to destroy all of the UFSS related files. The extraction point is on the other side of the city on top of a building called NET WARE. There you will be evacuated from the planet while we make ready the TITAN class nuclear missiles. There will be enough missiles to cause a mass genocide of the planet causing no escape for the Starke. I know that it means killing innocent people but we have to in order to make sure that the Starke don’t find out all of the UFSS’ secrets. If they get their hands on those files, we are doomed.”
Nathan knew what he had to do. Even if it meant sacrificing innocent lives, it would have to be done in order to save others.
“When do I leave?”
"As soon as you are ready."

Nathan walked down the hall to his living quarters. He had a depressed look on his face as well as a thought of wariness in his mind. How could he live knowing that he was the cause of a mass genocide? He was terribly worried what the future had in store for him, but now all he could do was wait.
He continued walking down the hall until he came upon a metal door with an eye scanner along with a hand scanner. The UFSS had installed these when the war broke out for safety precautions. He placed his had on the squared piece of glass and put his face closer to the eye scanner. The light soon went across his eye and hand and then a computer voice rang out.
“ACCESS GRANTED.” The door soon opened and Nathan walked inside.

The room was made entirely out of metal. It was in a rectangular shape and had little red and green lights flicker every now and then like a computer. The room was called a 'Smart' room because it was able to memorize the way that the user liked his or her room temperature. It din't do only that, it could adjust the bed to how soft you wanted it and when you were thirsty it could detect it and the fountain in the corner would pour you whatever drink you liked.
The room was almost a paradise but it lacked one thing, nature. It was nothing but metal. No plants, nothing, just metal. Nathan liked his living quarters but was still both depressed and deeply worried about his next assignment. He wore the same frightened look on his face as he did before. The thought of killing millions of innocents brought a nauseated feeling to his stomach.
He walked into the left corner where a shower was placed and began to strip off all of his clothes. When he took off his shirt, there bore marks all over his back from missions long past. One on the back of his left shoulder was fresh and still pink from his last mission. The mark was caused by a grazing bullet that sliced at his skin. He entered the circular shower and turned on the faucet for pure hot water.
The liquid ran down his body and the feeling felt evermore greater. Once the water hit the fresh wound, Nathan winced with pain. The pain was teeth grinding and Nathan yelped a little. The scar burned on his skin but soon began to cool. He was used to the feeling and pain was just another obstacle to him.
While in the shower, Nathan thought about his last mission and soon it led down a grape vine to when he was a child. He visualized him and his older brother running through the wheat fields of Kollektiv. Him and his brother were playing tag and Nathan was 'it'. He ran up to his brother and pushed him. His older brother flew to the ground and his right arm snapped.
Nathan wanted to forget about the memory. He wanted it to stay hidden and away from his current objective. There had been missions were Nathan had locked up and caused some of his comrades to die or get wounded. The memory brought back torture and agony, and Nathan didn't want to remember anything about it.
He stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel hanging on a rod to the right of the shower. He began to dry off his hair, and soon his entire body. Within minutes his body was dry and he began putting on his sleeping clothes. He usually wore a tight, black muscle shirt with black shorts. He slipped them on and threw himself on his bed. The bed adjusted to a soft, feathery feeling. Nathan was left lying face first on his bed, thinking about many things. He began thinking of the great times he had with Sol, his brother. Within seconds, the terrible memory re spawned into his mind. He tried to forget about it, but every time he tried it would just get worse. The strain was so powerful, he passed out and his mind sank into utter darkness.

Nathan and Sol ran through the wheat fields of Kollektiv. The two laughed and played in the fields as they played tag, an old game created when Earth was still young. They seemed innocent and without care. As they ran through the fields Nathan was 'it'. He sped toward Sol , his older brother, and tagged him. The force of the push felt like that of an average teenager push. Sol flew to the ground with great fear in his eyes. The look on his face was the look of the fear of death.
Nathan, not knowing what was wrong, reached out his hand to help him up. Sol withdrew the attempt for help and ran toward their house. Aaron stood in the fields confused about what had just happened. He didn't understand what had happened, he was only six years old and without a care in the world. He began to slowly walk back to his house not even thinking anymore about what had just happened. To the world he was free of care and doubt.
He reached his small farm house and walked in. When he entered the room his father stood over Sol and his mother was checking Sol's shoulder. He heard his mother say that his arm was broken. His father looked up at Nathan and asked what had happened. Nathan , like normal children, didn't remember that much so his brother Sol told them the story.
"We were playing in the fields when Nathan tagged me. It hurt really bad....enough to scream...." Their parents looked at Nathan with fear in their eyes and they wondered of how their son could have done this to his eight year-old brother. Nathan just stood there not knowing was going on, just as confused as the rest of his family. His father walked up to him and knelt down beside him.
"Who...What are you?" The man said with fear and wonder in his voice. His mother walked up beside his father.
"We should get him checked out, dear."
"Yes. You will take Sol to the hospital and I will get Nathan checked out while we are there." His mother nodded her head and the two grabbed their kids. They made sure not to bump Sol's shoulder for fear of making the fracture worse. They strapped their kids in the car and headed to the hospital.
When they reached the hospital they immediately rushed him to the emergency room. Sol and his mother immediately ran into the doctor's office while Nathan and his dad walked into another section of the hospital. They walked down a long hallway and soon came to two doors that had the words "Special Checkups". Nathan walked right beside his father and they walked through the doors.
In the room there were large computers and there were scientist walking around in white lab coats. Nathan looked up at his father.
"Daddy, who are these people?" Nathan had a confused look on his face, but his father never answered. The man just stood there waiting for a scientist to greet them. Soon a scientist walked up to the man and the two began to converse with one another. The scientist looked down at Nathan and grabbed him. The man had a strong grip and he snatched Nathan up as if he were kidnapping him.
"Daddy, what is happening?!" Nathan was terrified by the man's grip.
"They are going to help you, son." His father had a small tear in his eye. "They are giong to take you away."
"I don't want to go!" Nathan was growing even more fightened. The scientist grip was just getting tighter to make sure the boy didn't break free.
Nathan looked at the scientist and puched him in the stomach. The scientist immediatly let go of the boy and clenched his stomach as he fell to the floor, screaming in pain.
"My ribs! He broke my ribs!" The scientist was just making it worse by rolling around so much. Soon three others ran at the boy and snatched him up. The scientists grabbed at him and help him very tight in their hands making sure that he didn't repeat the same move.
Nathan screamed and kicked, trying desperatly to break free of the three tightening grips. He began to grow weary of the struggle. Nathan slowly lost his strength and when he did, he looked at his father with d=sadness and confusion.
"Why are you doing this!? What are they going to do!?" Nathan was crying and screaming for his father, but his father didn't answer. The man just looked his son in the eye and then left him in the room with the scientists. "Daddy! No, daddy!!! Come back!!!"

Nathan srang from his bed and violently threw and puch into the air. The fist slammed into the wall and created a large dent into the wall. Nathan opened his eyes more clearly and saw Matt standing there just to the left where he had thrown the devistating punch.
"Whoa, man! What the heck's wrong with you!?" Matt's eyes were wide and frightend like he had just wittnessed his own death. He wasn't far off because if that puch wound have hit him, his back wound surely have broken on impact. Nathan stood there for a moment, wheezing. Nathan retracted his fist and looked at Matt with 'jumpy' eyes. "You could have killed me."
"Sorry." Nathan was still a little skittish and wasn't exactly calm just yet. Matt could see the sweat pour off of Nathan and then looked at his bed and noticed that the black sheets were soaked from the profuse sweating that had occured.
"You okay?"
"Not exactly."
"Want to talk about it?"
"No, it was just a nightmare. I'll get over it pretty soon." Nathan was lying. He didn't want to explain the entire story to Matt. He thought it would be best to just keep it to himself and not tell anyone.
"Well," Matt began, " it is time to get ready."
"For what?"
"Your mission. Command sent me down here to tell you that everyones waiting."
"I'll be right there." Matt left the room and Nathan just stood there in a puddle of sweat and some drenched clothes.

Hope you have as much fun reading it as I had writing it!

As long as they're what you want the characters to be and not what they expect... I wouldn't feel comfortable having an artist make renditions of my characters unless I gave them a detailed layout of what had to be where. Expression, posture, etc play key roles in showing emotion.

As for the revisions, I browsed over the changes and they're pretty well improved. What I would still work on is being more definitive with what your characters do, say, and generally *are.* Such as when one turns pale, you don't want to say "he turned palish-white, almost like a ghost." You're shooting through the same bullet hole. Clean it up to something succinct, such as "went white." You don't have to quote me, it all matters on your own preference. But definitely seek out and get rid of redundancies such as saying "so and so is cold, like ice." Ice is cold. We know that, so either say they felt cold or icy. Kinda get it?


One thing: Don't be afraid to revamp the entire story. One thing I'm learning right now is not to grow too attached to my writing. If there's something I *really* like, I tend to work around it until it simply doesn't meld with the story. I've been told by a professor, "Don't be afraid to kill your darlings." If you're growing too protective of your writing, you won't improve where you need to.

I did like the introduction of the Viel Gluck coin. Nice touch.

ya i did that to show more movement on the bridge and gave them a better view of what it could look like. also I made him give more specific orders but hey, I'll work on that!

ya I think this needs to get deleted. I'm going to make another so that all of this stuff gets deleted and the new stuff comes out.

PLEASE DELETE THIS!

Publishing is about 20% writing, 80% revision, so have fun.

Corrected. Though writing the story is relatively easy compared to getting the damned thing published. Today's market makes it nigh impossible to get published unless you have an agent. Without one of them, you're going to be trying to sell your story on your dashing good looks and those don't get you far even if you're Fabio.

Wish it were as easy as finishing the novel and mailing it off to your publication of choice.