Twokinds ARCHIVE Forums

Alright, scrapping the story I previewed, better in mind than on paper blah blah.

Now for another update, even if only a sole person seemed to read the last one.


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I left the tower and the pair to find pouring rain. Bullocks. I really make a spell do deal with that. I hate the rain. It's so contrary to kill a man when it's sunny.

We walked off the roads, until we came, from the dark, gnarled oaks, to a clearing of tall, yellow grass. The rain and clouds painted the area in dreary colors. I left John at the edge and walked to the middle of it. To either direction, there was about 20 yards to either direction of it.

I reached my arms down to the ground. I drew power from the air, condensed it into a ball of black feathers in palm. With my mind, I gave it direction, path, goal, and I pressed it into the grass at my feet.

Fire spread from my hand, burning, the grass even in the rain, though no heat touched me. It burned in directions, paths, patterns, into a great circle of fire, inside, a diamond, it's points going a meter beyond the edge. Lines ran from each point to it's opposite, and the entire thing filled with patterns and ruins.

A great smoke rose from the circle, black and thick, and if flew west, against the wind. It flew east, towards the now rising sun.

I took some of the smoke, and with will I shaped it. Condensed it, gave it shape, form, color, until before us stood a great black chariot. It's wheels spiked, it's carriage wood, to the eye, black, framed with a deep night blue. It was led by 4 nightmares, enormous horses of black as deep as the night sky, with manes of fire. In the place of joints, it had flames, like it's man, burning bright oranges and reds.

"............" John looked in mild surprise. "The point of all this again?"

"Oh yes, I sometimes forget that some people don't understand each and everything I do. The smoke goes towards the hill, we're the mages that used to serve me. The chariot is made of the smoke."

"Meaning?"

I smirked. "Meaning the chariot takes us where we want to go" I lept into the drivers seat, John sat beside me. We were sheltered from the downpour under the smoke cloth overhang.

With a will and a shout, the horses set off along their path.

We went faster than the winds themselves. Trees were no difficulty, nor terrain, the vehicle simply went through them, as with it. We covered miles in minutes, though our goal was far, the sun wasn't halfway into the sky by the time we arrived.



Part way done, more tomorrow.

--EATS THE UPDATE--

OM NOM NOM NOM NOM!

Very tasty. I look forward to more. Although, more people must post! THEY MUST!

What if I don't have anything to say? D:

Just saying "I read it" seems like a waste of a post. >___>

Okay, then I'll post.

I'm still liking it. Though, I think this update needs to undergo some major revisions. Like this bit:

He wants you to say something nice about it.

I'm sorry I didn't reply to your last update Keldoth. I honestly didn't even know it was there until now. Sometimes my internet dies, and when I fix it I can no longer see what threads has updated since I was last logged in.

They were both great though. Though I got confused when you desrcibed the diamond thingy that the main evil character created when he summoned the chariot and the Nightmares. Might try to clear it up a little if you're going to use it again.

Otherise, really great. Can't wait to see some more.

As to the people who said it needs revision, indeed your right.
It will not happen tonight.


Because I is writing moar!


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Finally, arriving where the smoke pointed, we found a hill at the side of the road. It was an old hideout, back from the start of my career, man, it brings back memories. The green hill looked like such a calm place.

"So this is it? This is where they're hiding? I assume they hide in the hill," John asked, drawing his sword from it's sheath on it's hilt. A rapier with an elegantly crafted hilt wrapped in red cloth and his black metallic hand crossbow.

"Why yes." I walked up to the hill. With a foot, I tapped a stone standing beside it.

With that, the earth retracted, like a web being pulled away from a tunnel, until I stood before I door of steel, with a slot at about eye level. I stood before it, and knocked 3 times.

The slit opened, and a hushed voice, accompanied by an eye in the slot, flickering across us both, asked "What is the code?"

"The crow flies," said I, the old code for letting people into any sanctum, though more tests and countermeasures were within.

"Ha!" laughed the man within, "That's the old code, get updated, and then maybe I can let you in."

"................." I paused. Reached out one hand, metallic bracelet clinking on my wrist. I launched kinetic energy at the door, blowing it clear off it's hinges into the room. The man was blown down to the ground, and now was sprawled out, supporting himself with his hands. His eye was crushed and bleeding from where the force hit him. I walked past, casually steeping over him to the rough stone hall beyond. As myself and John walked past, I looked over my shoulder at the man, an old assistant of mine. Not one I cared for. "The crow returns."

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Alright, I'll probably do one more nights work tomorrow, then revamp it all Wednesday into a finished update.

Yay for update! Boo for peer editing!


I almost believed a hippy was speaking here. Perhaps rewrite it to give it a bit more of a dark feeling. A little less "My first high" and more "My first evils."

I'm not quite sure what this means. Though, I suppose that could be because I'm more of a gunman than a swordsman. I also think that the two "it's"s and "hilt"s in the paragraph may have been a little repetitive.

This might be okay as is, but I wouldn't mind a little more detail. At least on the "elegantly crafted hilt." And there should probably be some commas in there. Somewhere. And maybe a dash mark (-).

On a side note, I hate peer editing. But I see how it can be important. Also, having my character as the sidekick really makes me feel special and even obligated to do something helpful. Now to see if I can find the cojones to comment on Fast's story (his Safe For Work one).

Thank you, as I said, I will get around to retooling after tonight's work.