Twokinds ARCHIVE Forums

Can't find anything major to mention about. The only thing bothering me was them knowing instantly it was Sebastian at the pharmacy. Sure, it's where people go when they're hurt, but break-ins like that happen all too often and there are a lot of other places you could hope to find first-aid from. Not that "they" could use that information in any useful manner anyway :roll:

Now I'm wondering if the pharmacy thing was supposed to be just an awesome "Enter Sebastian", or will Vince the medical expert eventually save the day :P

Hm, looks like I'm going to have to polish up that justification a bit. Too many raised eyebrows at that particular scene, including from my tutor. Let's see...

@Wynni: Most of the blood was mixing with peroxide, so that would pretty much be unusable. As for the bits that stood on their own, you'll see in the next scene what's done with those.

@Sable: I'm definitely going to clean up that dialogue between Foster and Mr. Thin. I agree, it's too loose to assume it was Sebastian, especially when there's no real mention of them searching anywhere else. So more than likely I'll add something that makes reference to no other police calls being made, and Trinidad being the closest populated area to the facility, it would be the most likely place for him to go. Especially if he's been shot.

Oh, and "sable" is a synonym for the word "black." ;) I thought you knew that, your name translating into "black dove."

@Demus: Same with what I said above, I'm going to fix that scene up and develop it a little more thoroughly. This was the first draft, so it's nice to have you guys willing to pick it apart so I know where to fix it. When I read it, I know what I'm trying to do so it's very difficult for me to pick up on what's obvious to you guys.

;) I wouldn't say Vince is a medical expert, but he knows medicine. And I wouldn't have given him an entire morning routine scene with all the fixings if I wasn't intending for him to reappear shortly. He's our second main character, just a step under Sebastian. You'll see.

Of course I knew; I was just kidding. I chose 'sable' specifically for the contradiction with 'dove'. Conversely, my bizzaro-world counterpart is Ivory Raven.

I may end up switching; Ivory Raven sounds pretty damn cool.

Alright, I finished revising the first scene in Chapter 2. I tried to clean up a lot of those "huh?" moments you guys had in the first draft, so hopefully this flows a bit better without giving too much away!

It's great. Now edit my story, you. Edit like the wind... If the wind could edit.

There's only so far I want to go when I may need to change it if the stuff leading up to it changes.
Hell, I'm three pages into a story that has almost nothing in common with the actual storyline. I need your help. Puhweeze.

:P I'll try to get to it tomorrow, if time permits. Midterms are coming up!